Page 110 of Awestruck at Dusk
This moment made me suffer and grieve for Caleb like never before. I needed him right now, and that letter was the only thing of his I kept that still had a pulse. So I clung to it like I used to do with my mom when she returned from a trip, realizing that faint flickering glow would expire after I read it. And I needed that last, tiny drop of hope.
I loved them both, and I didn’t even know how that happened—that itcouldhappen. But the feelings were strong and true.
Nathan made me feel safe and loved. I trusted him blindly. I loved how ambitious he was, even if it scared the hell out of me that he would be like my father. Deep down, I knew he wasn’t. I knew that if I talked to him and let him know how I really felt that he would do everything in his power to make me happy. But I never did because I was a coward, just as William said I was. I just didn’t want to feel any more pain. And losing Nathan was going to be painful. It already was.
He was perfect.
But he wasn’t William.
The connection I had with William was undeniable. It was something so powerful but unexplainable at the same time. From the moment I met him, something immediately captured my attention. Still, as time went by and he allowed me to see more glimpses of the real him, I was infatuated—completely fascinated by him.
It hurt when he was away. I missed him beyond any comprehensible reason, and when I saw him again, the feelings only grew and reacted to his absence—manifested by replicating themselves.
There was so much more to him for me to discover, and I wanted so bad to be the one to do it—to reach deep within his heart and allow him to do the same with mine.
I’d been paralyzed by fear, pain, cowardice, and comfort. I knew that exploring a relationship with someone like William wasn’t going to be an easy experience. Him being a public figure and my father wanting to keep me so shielded was the most perfect and explosive combination for disaster. And still, I wanted to throw myself into that.
I was left with nothing but the remains of two extinguished lights that once burned and twinkled inside me.
One for William.
One for Nathan.
They had both blown their kindling sparks out, and I had to let them be.
Fortfarande Levande
July 25, 2010
Lily:Hey Billie! Are you done with your summer course?
Me:Hey! Yes. Just finished last Friday. What’s up?
Lily:I have this photo shoot tomorrow at 6 am, and I was wondering if you could come with me. I know it’s super early, and I understand if you don’t want to. I would’ve asked Joel to come with me, but he’s out of town, and I really don’t want to go alone.
Me:Absolutely, don’t worry about it. Is everything ok? I just have to ask.
Lily:Well yeah, I guess. The photographer’s my ex, and things didn’t end up well between us. I’m just nervous about it. I don’t want to show up there alone.
Me:Got it. Ok. Don’t worry, I’ll ask Aaron to be himself, and we’ll be fine.
Lily:LOL! OMG yes!!! That’s perfect. See you downstairs tomorrow at 5:45 am?
Me:Sounds good. See you tomorrow.
“Your food’s going to get cold, kiddo,” my father said. “Is it urgent?” I dropped my phone with the screen down on the table and apologized. We were celebrating my father’s birthday since he was out of town on the 21st. I’d been listening to him rambling on and on about how great Nathan and I were, how he wished we could patch things up between us. And my patience was running thin.
“He misses you,” my father told me.What?Are they still in contact? It wouldn’t have surprised me at all. My father thought our breakup had been silly, and he was sure we would eventually get back together. He didn’t know the real reason why we broke up, and I didn’t think Nathan would tell him.
“I wouldn’t know,” I replied, looking at my plate and stabbing a piece of broccoli with my fork. “You know I haven’t seen or talked to him since the day we broke up, right? So that’s over a month now.” I took the fork to my mouth and chewed the broccoli. “Please don’t tell me you have been keeping up with the usualliquid lunchFridays.”
My father took a deep breath. “Of course we have,” he said, taking a swig of his wine. “We’re business partners.”
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I thought that venture would go south when Nathan and I broke up. I was glad for Nathan that it didn’t, but it would be the weirdest and most awkward dynamic ever if they went through with it.
I sliced a piece of meat and swiped it through the bordelaise sauce. My appetite had rushed around the tables and out the front door. But the only reason why I took the fork to my mouth was Spark’s Bordelaise sauce—it’s one of the best out there.
“You’ll get through this hiccup,” my father insisted. That’s all he wanted to talk about. Nathan. Not a single question about my summer program or my plans for the rest of the summer. No. He wanted to talk aboutmy ex—his business partner and BFF. “I really can’t think of anyone who’s better suited to be with you than him.”
