Page 124 of Awestruck at Dusk
“Yes.” What was I to say? I was overruled. And I’m not a liar either.
“Could we go somewhere a bit more private? To talk?”
“Ah—sure. Do you want to go downstairs? To my apartment?”
“Sounds good,” he said dryly. He seemed a little nervous, though, and I was right there with him. “Let’s go.”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the door. I risked one last peek at William, and we caught each other looking, but I couldn’t hold the weight of his gaze. It wasn’t blazing as it normally would in a situation like this. It was just … empty. Like he had nothing else to offer me other than that flat, vacuous, but heavy exchange.
My heart ached.
William watched me leave with Nathan. Hand in hand. And even though Rachel was right next to him, I still cared too much. I was still hopeful that things would somehow magically fix themselves. That he would trust me and open the door for me again.
I unlocked my apartment and remembered I still had Nathan’s portrait hanging on one of the foyer’s wall. I don’t know why I hadn’t taken it down. It’s not that I was expecting to get back together with him, but I didn’t hate him. On the contrary, I cared about him deeply, and Ilovedthat portrait of him. Taking it down would be painful, and I was trying to avoid any more pain. It must’ve been awkward for him to come in and see it, though. I didn’t know what he would make of it.
Fuck it.
I offered him something to drink, but he refused. He said he just wanted to talk, so we sat in the living room to do that.
“Hey,” he said once we took a seat. He rubbed his legs and rested his forearms on them afterward. “I’m so terribly sorry about how things went down in Midsummer. I’m embarrassed about my immaturity. I feel like we could’ve talked more about everything—that I should’ve listened to you and acknowledged your feelings. But I was so insanely jealous that it blinded me.”
My hands wouldn’t stop shaking, so I placed them underneath my thighs just to conceal my nervousness from him.
“I know you saw me talking to Lana just now. But I don’t care about her or anyone else. I swear I don’t remember a single word that came out of her mouth. I couldn’t stop looking at you and thinking about howI’mthe one who should be standing beside you. Not Liam, for Christ’s sake.” He sighed.
“You’ve been going through a lot these past few months. The shooting, losing Caleb, learning all those things about Thomas.” He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. “And I’ve been too busy to be there for you. Likereallythere. But I know I love you more than anything in this world, and I believed that working the way I have would grant me the opportunity to secure a future for us so that I could give you everything you deserve and more. But I see now how wrong I was.
“Nothing’s more important to me than you. Not my job, not my clients, or any other future endeavor. It’s justyou. And it’s only natural for you to want to have that closeness, that connection that I know I was stupid enough to neglect even when you talked to me about it—several times.
“And William”—he snorted with a tortured smile—“wastherefor you. He understood you better than I did because he went through the same horrors as you, and your door was open because youneededsomeone to be there for you. But I see now that I was at fault for all of that. And if you give me another chance to allow me to right all the wrongs, believe me, that’s all I will ever do from this point forth. I will make it my priority.”
He cupped my cheek, and I nestled into the comfort and familiarity of his hand. “I miss you, Murph.”
“Nathan—” I couldn’t help but cry. His words were full of love, and the way he said them with such meaning and tenderness—it made my heart swell. But …
“Will you let me be that person for you? Always?” Nathan asked, standing up. “Losing you was the most awful thing that’s ever happened to me. It showed me how much I truly love you. How much I’m willing to do for you. To change, to improve, just to have the opportunity and the privilege of calling you mine. I can’t lose you again, Murph.”
I was speechless. I could only stare into his eyes and listen to him.
“I don’t want to steal anyone’s thunder,” he said with a weak laugh, “but I’ve had this for months now. I’ve been carrying it with me, trying to find the perfect moment to do so. And I promise I will make everything right again.”
Nathan got down on one knee before me and reached inside his jacket pocket. He pulled out a small black box, and before he could present it to me, I placed my hand on his chest and stopped him. He was going to propose … and I was going to sayno.
His eyes shifted from mine to the box he held in between his fingers. I could listen to his heavy breathing and his heart pounding against my hand on his chest. We were both shaking.
The things he said were perfect ineveryway.
Hewas perfect, and I was probably the biggest idiot on the planet. But I didn’t even want to look at that ring. I was afraid I would give myself into the situation and say yes in the spur of the moment because I loved him! So much.
But it wouldn’t be fair to him for me to say yes, knowing that I wasn’t there entirely with him, even if he would’ve agreed for us to get married in five years. I wasn’t ready to take this step. It was too much for me, and I didn’t want to ruin the engagement for him. To have to say no. Even if by stopping him, I was already doing so, it wasn’t the same.
Once he offered me that ring and I rejected it, the situation would’ve become even more painful for both of us.
I didn’t want to see the ring. I couldn’t.
“Nathan, I’m so sorry,” I said in between short, constant gasps. I took my hands to my eyes and sobbed my heart out. My heart wasn’t entirely his, and I’d been trying to be honest with myself about it these past weeks. Even if I knew William was waning me away. Even if he was trying to find happiness with someone else, I refused to lose hope.
It was the scariest feeling in the world to admit and accept those feelings for him because the road ahead promised nothing. Guaranteed nothing. But if there were even the slightest sliver of hope, I would hang on to it. And Nathan didn’t deserve that.
