Page 54 of Awestruck at Dusk
William was silent. Observant. His face undecipherable.
“Ah! It’s hard for me to figure this feeling out and even harder for me to explain it,” I said, hoping I wasn’t fucking this up. “I feel like there’s this—cavity inside my chest that Nathan, as myboyfriend, can’t fill because it belonged to Caleb. And I’m afraid to see what happens if that void is left untouched. So I want to acknowledge it because I know what it’s like when you don’t. It only gets bigger—more painful. And one can sometimes try to fill it out with the wrong things. Am I making any sense?”
“You are,” he said instantly. “I know your relationship with Caleb was special. And you knew him from way back. But with time, you’ll fill that emptiness with new feelings, and it’s okay if you do. You’re not replacing him by doing so.”
“That’s the point. Nathan gives me what I ultimately couldn’t see happening with Caleb, and Caleb and I had finally reached this—perfect point in our friendship. A kind of friendshipIneed. And I fear I won’t find that ever again.”
“You think that because you haven’t allowed me to be that for you. Icanbe both,” he said with resolution. I stared at him for a few seconds, letting his words sink in.
“William, you’ve repeatedly said you’re not interested in being my friend.”
“Justa friend. That’s different. I don’t care to bejustyour friend. And I know you’ll always love Caleb and cherish what you had. But I can give you much more than that. I never have before, but I know I want to. I know I can.”
I parted my mouth to speak, but I let out a breath instead when my mind couldn’t find any suitable words to reply to that. I was still processing it.
“And you—” He licked his lower lip and smiled with a tinge of exasperation and shook his head a few times as if changing his mind about what he was about to say at the last moment. “You’ll always love Caleb. That will never change. But with time, your heart will heal. It’s too soon, and it’s okay for you to feel this way. And for some reason, you think that if you’re vulnerable, that somehow means you’re weak. But you’re wrong.”
I probably was wrong. About that and many other things because I had no clue of the full extent of what William could mean to me. Of what he was offering. I could only imagine, as much as I constantly tried not to. But even so, they were just speculations.
“And what about Zara? I know it’s not my place to ask, but I swear I seesomethingin her eyes when she looks at you.”
William looked away for a second. “I know it’s the worst possible answer in the world, but it’s not what you think it is,” he said, his brows drawing together and his tone suggesting the topic might be out of bounds.
“I can’t help but wonder if you’re too naive to see it.” I brought the idea to his attention. “To realize that she might—”Be in love with you. I couldn’t even finish the sentence.
“Could you live knowing that I might not be able to explain my relationship with her to you for a while? And that she’ll always be around?”
No.
I don’t know.
I could try.
Maybe she was to William what Caleb was to me. But with William, a raw, primal, territorial feeling always found a way to sink its claws on me.Ifsomething were to happen between us, I wouldn’t want to share him like that with anyone. And talking about that “if” wasn’t something I could make myself discuss with him.
“You don’t need to explain anything to me,” I said, retreating. I shouldn’t have brought it up. It would only complicate things even more. I couldn’t allow myself to show William how much I cared about him.
“But you still wished I could explain, right?”
“No, I—”
“You’re just jealous. I get it.Believe me. But it’s best if we don’t get into that. We could be here all night.”
I agreed.
“I’m not jealous. I’m … curious.”
He laughed and crossed his arms at his chest, calling my bluff.
Yes,okay!I’m jealous!I’m so fucking heart-wrenchingly jealous that it makes me want to die twice. “You’re lucky I’ve got nothing at hand to throw at you,” I tossed in.
“Stay put,” he said, still unwinding from the laughter. He rushed inside the kitchen and came out with a glass of wine. He offered it to me, and I took it without a second thought. “Drink up because this Nemorino’s shit is not working. I fear you might’ve grown immune to it.” He grinned, running a lazy hand through his soft, golden hair.
Oh, but it was working. And I wasn’t immune to it. Never.
My head was already somewhat spinning, but I sipped on the wine anyway.
“Tobiashatesme, by the way.”
