Page 130 of Awestruck at Dusk
That’s what your father has in store for you, and it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I know it’s protocol and justifiable when you’re an ambassador’s daughter. It makes you a target. But you’re back in New York, and you should be living a normal life. You deserve it.
If you ever read this, which you won’t, you’ll probably be furious at me because I never told you about this before, but you know the answer to that, don’t you? Your father made us sign a bunch of tight NDAs, and believe me … it’s cheaper for me to die than to comply with breaching those contracts.
It kills me to see you every day, knowing how desperately you wish for that freedom, and you’re not allowed to taste it. I hope he’ll reconsider one day. And if that day comes, I will have to break my promise of staying because I will have to leave. And so, in a way, I’m glad I’ve signed that NDA because it keeps me from telling you the truth, and I can keep you for a while longer. Yeah, I’m selfish. So what? It’s bittersweet, you know? But if I could tell you, I would. Believe me, even if it means that I have to go.
Red, when I met you, I was broken. But when I saw how fragile you were, you gave me the courage to be strong for you. To pull you out of the darkness. But the truth is that you’re the strongest person I know, andYOUsavedME. I really want to drop this fucking pen and knock on your door and shout that in your pretty face because you really don’t have a clue about how deep this shit goes.YOU SAVED ME.A million times more than I ever saved you, and you will never know it.
Lead from the heart. Let the feeling take over and crash against you. I know I wish I had the guts to do it.
Love you forever,
C. xx
Let it Crash
CALEB’S LETTER WASstill between my fingers, but my mind had checked out of existence. It’s as if he had been here with me when I read it. I could listen to his voice and imagine every perfect line of his face as if he were standing in front of me.
I hope he knew how much I loved him too.
I was a fucking mess, but I found myself smiling too.
Pure, unadulterated shock invaded my system as the realization hit me: I was safe. I’ve always been safe. For years all I could think of was how there was someone out to get me, and as I grew older, the theories became darker and more elaborate.
One of my more sinister theories consisted of my father being involved in something illegal. That he’d somehow had associated himself with the wrong people, and things had gone south. That they were now after his family—afterme. But that wasn’t the case. And I was so glad it wasn’t.
But all of this meant one thing. I was free, and Caleb was right—as always. There was no way for me to accept living like this after knowing the truth. I couldn’t believe how Caleb managed to keep taking care of me, even after his death.
Hundreds of times, I daydreamed about walking out of my apartment and going for a walk alone, just to see what it feels like to do things on my own. But I always chickened out because the truth isI was afraid. What if there was someone out there waiting to catch me alone?
There was nothing to worry about anymore. I wasn’t even angry at my father. It must’ve been hard for him to lose my mother and fear that something could happen to me every day. He had the option to take care of me forever, and he took it. But it was too much. And Thomas only fed his apprehensiveness even more—it fueled it and justified it.
And no, I don’t want to imagine what would’ve happened that day if Aaron and Caleb hadn’t shown up. We’d been lucky. William would’ve probably died that day.
William.
Caleb knew me better than anyone else. His opinion was one that I deeply valued, and for him to say the things he did about William and me made me want to take chances.
Lead from the heart. Let the feeling take over and crash against you.
With those words, Caleb made me want to grab a plane and fly to South Africa to tell William how I feel and do the things I’ve always been scared of doing—for him. To show him how much I care about him. How much Ilovehim.
I was tired of being afraid, of being a coward, of playing it safe. I had to take control of my life. It was now or never.
And that’sexactlywhat I intended to do.Let it crash.
But I couldn’t do it alone. I needed a plan—a solid one. And I knew who to call.
Alice.
Something told me she might be #teambillie, and I would put all my eggs in that basket.
I called Alice as I pulled a small carry-on suitcase from the foyer closet to pack a few things for my impromptu trip. I didn’t even have time to be scared of what I was about to do. I was running on pure adrenalin, and it felt so fucking great.
“Alice. Hey, it’s Billie.”
“Hey, Billie!” she said enthusiastically. “What’s up? How’s everything?”
“I need your help.”
