Page 129 of Awestruck at Dusk
“No, not at all. Go—do your thing.”
“You’re a doll.” Liam kissed my cheek and left in a hurry. I could see how much he cared about her. He looked genuinely worried.
Some of the spectators began clearing the stadium, but most remained on site, trying to catch a glimpse of the drama and the award ceremony that would follow, of course.
I left. It was painful to watch Belén coming undone in front of everyone. As I walked out, someone apparently from her team had already reached out to her. And I was sure Liam would try to comfort her too. I didn’t know Belén, but I felt for her. I guess we could all taste the crisp bitterness of her frustration just by watching her reaction.
You can’t win them all. That much I knew. And as much as my heart threw a tantrum, I made that my new motto.
C. xx
September 17, 2010
EACH SECOND OFWilliam being away tick-tocked like a constant drip of water leaking off a ceiling crack—reverberating on the back of my mind. If you focused on it, you could hear it, but if you didn’t, it became white noise.
I missed him.
But I was doing just fine. I’d found a certain peace in my life that I hadn’t felt in a long while. I used to be constantly stressed out, worried, and anxious. And now, only a warm feeling stirred up inside me. It was a comforting feeling that I was yet to identify. But I inevitably allowed myself to wallow in it.
Haute hadn’t called me in for this weekend, so I was free. I intended to grab my film camera and take a few shots out in Central Park at sundown. Alone.
Well, you know whatalonemeans in my world. Amena and David would be joining me today.
As I packed my things to go, I realized I was out of film. I kept extra rolls on my nightstand drawer, and when I took one of the rolls out, Caleb’s letter flew out and fell on the floor.
Having refused to read it for so long made me forget about it altogether. And as I picked it up, I knew it was time to read it. There was never going to be a perfect time to do so, but this moment was as close as it was going to get. So I dropped my camera bag on the bed and laid on my stomach to read it.
I tore it open and braced myself for impact.
September 10, 2009
Hey Red,
I’m writing this letter hoping that you never have to read it and that I will rip it up into pieces and set it on fire one day. Probably the day you get married, and I won’t be able to stomach it, so I’ll be far away from you by then because I’ll be in the foulest mood that would surely last a few lifetimes, and you won’t be able to stand me anyway.
I’ve just walked away from your door. We just kissed goodbye. I can still feel your soft lips brushing against mine. It took all the strength I have in me to walk away and refuse your invitation to go inside and keep kissing you until you begged me to stop.
But I’m a coward. And I won’t be able to tell you this, but I love you. I’ve loved you for years. It’s all I’ve known and it’s everything I lived for. So fuck yeah, I’m a coward because I walked away from you without telling you. But you’re a smart girl, aren’t you? I can’t believe you wouldn’t know this, and it’s not like I’ve been doing a great job at hiding it from you lately. I wear my fucking heart on my sleeve.
And I’m going to write the next thing down because I need to let it off my chest. The way you look at William is the way I’d look at you if I were allowed to. It’s filled with this awestruck fascination, and it makes me want to die twice. From the moment you met him, I saw the stars in your eyes, and they’ve only grown brighter with time. And that’s why I’m a coward about telling you how I feel about you, because I can’t fucking compete with that.
You know my job consists of watching you, watching everyone around you, watching you watch everyone around you, and hell yeah, I’m the best at that. And as much as it pains to admit it (but not so much because again, you’re not going to read this), I can see that William feels the same way about you. The fascination is mutual, but my guess is that neither of you knows what to do with so much. It must be overpowering. I know it’s painful to watch.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if you’ll ever have the chance to be together or not, but hey, I love you so much that I wish you do, if that’s what you really want. Even if it makes me want to break shit up or punch someone in the face, I just want to see you happy because:
YOU SAVED ME.
But I promised I would never leave, so don’t worry. And now I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to keep my promise knowing I’ll have to endure watching every day how you look at William. I’ve also promised a few times that I would never lie to you or keep things from you, but I hate to say that I’ve been keeping something from you for years.
It’s about your mother.
I know why she died, and again I write this because I know that you won’t have to read this ever and I hope that your father one day will look you in the eye and tell you exactly what happened that day because we’ve always known. And you deserve to know.
Fuck, this is hard to write even knowing you’re not going to read it, but here it goes: Your mother was mistaken for a drug lord’s wife that had their three daughters enrolled in the same school as you in Mexico City. They often drove her in the same brand and type of car as your mother was.IT WAS A MISTAKE.No one’s after you or your father. You’ve never really been in actual danger. What happened to your mother could happen to anyone else regardless. The hitman fucked it up. He only had to look at the license plates, and he clearly didn’t. It makes me want to go look for the guy and take my time killing him, but I’m sure he’s dead by now. Hitmen don’t often have a very long lifespan.
Your father knows all of this, of course. But he loves you, Red, and he’s been trying to deal with the guilt, the paranoia, and the pain of losing your mother. And in a poor attempt to make things better, he’s kept you in the dark because if you knew you weren’t in danger, that it was a mistake, you wouldn’t have accepted your security detail for so long. And he justifies it by saying that if it happened once, who says it can’t happen again? But I’m a firm believer that lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place.
Your father made a deal with the government when your mother passed away, consisting of having your security detail covered and paidFOR LIFE.
