Page 85 of Awestruck at Dusk
I could see the spark in Nathan’s eyes. How excited he really was about it. It was the opportunity of a lifetime for him; to own a legal firm in New York City. And I wouldn’t be the one to crush his dreams. But why was I always so quick to crushmine?
And it’s not that I didn’t want to be with someone hardworking and successful, but I feared that he would get sucked into his job in a way that wouldn’t allow space for anything else. Maybe something that would allow some balance.
I’d never gone on a proper vacation with my father. We’ve had the chance to travel a lot and know many places, but always for work. He would never disconnect completely. And it was disheartening to know that Nathan could go down that same path—never having the time for anything other than work.
I didn’t know what it was that I wanted to do exactly, but I knew I wanted to try to live a different kind of life than the one I’d been living—to have the freedom to flow, to make plans out of the blue, to be more spontaneous. Everything had been meticulously planned, scheduled, observed. That’s what I wanted to break away from.
“I can’t tell if it’s upsetting you,” Nathan said. “So I’m going to need you to tell me if it does.”
The look on Nathan’s face when he asked me that simply destroyed me. I had the power right there to make his dreams come true or to shatter them to pieces. I couldn’t do it. But I could get my concerns across.
“No, it—doesn’t.” It hurt so much to lie. But at least this was a lie I was willing to tell to make him happy. For his sake. I’d find a way to put my priorities first some other time. “I just want to make sure it’s not something you would accept for the wrong reasons,” I said to him.
We arrived home, and Nathan lifted a brow and jerked his chin at the apartment building, probably inquiring if he should come up with me or not.
“Could you guys give us a few minutes,” I said to Aaron and David, who immediately jumped out of the car to give us some privacy. I was used to them always listening in to my conversations with everyone, but what I was about to tell Nathan wasn’t something I wanted anyone to monitor.
“I don’t want you to keep me around for fear of losing the opportunity to do that with my father. I’m sure he would want to partner up with you either way. He loves you. Respects you, too. But I hate that he’s put you in that position.”
I wasn’t sure if starting the firm was a short or medium-term goal for them, but I assumed it would take some time in planning, which meant it was in Nathan’s best interest to keep his relationship with me going smoothly to achieve that goal.
And I hated that. To be that much-needed piece of themake Nathan’s dreams come truepuzzle.
“I guess all I’m asking of you is for your honesty. If you ever tire of me just—”
“You’remad,” he cut in with a snort before I could finish that sentence. His head shook. “It’s adorable for you to think that, though—that I would tire of you. That’s impossible, love. I’m in this with you—for good. You know how much I love you.”
“I love you too.” I smiled as anxiety sneaked up on me like a million invisible, tiny bugs that crawled up from my feet, trying to make their way up.
It’s not that I was disappointed with Nathan’s answer. On the contrary. I was happy to have his confirmation on the matter, that he loved me and that he was with me for me. And that, yes, there was an incredible opportunity being presented to him that he couldn’t refuse, but that it was an unexpected bonus. I would hang on to that thought.
Sadly, I knew what it all meant.
It meant that I would have to compromise and set my hopes and dreams aside. Yet, another part of me kept whispering in my ear that it wasn’t going to be very easy to make them come true anyway. That this was the life I was destined to live and that I shouldn’t be ungrateful for the privilege of living the way I did, of having the things I had, of being kept safe from all the invisibleharm.
What I’d never told anyone was how I would be glad and willing to throw some of that away just to be … free.
“What’s going on inside that head of yours?” Nathan asked. “You seem so—sad. You don’t believe me?”
“No. No, of course, I do. It’s just a tough day for me. It always is. And it’s been harder this year with Caleb gone. I can’t seem to make any progress. I miss him so much that—” I took my hands to my face and took a deep breath. “I can’t help but feel alone sometimes. He always came to mass with me on this day. It’s been hard to accept that he’s really gone.”
Nathan wrapped his arms around me. The perfect amount of tight and gentle. “You have me, love. Always. All of me,” Nathan said to my hair. “I swear it. I know I couldn’t be there for you today, and I won’t stop feeling like shit for it. But I promise you itwon’thappen again. Ever. And I’m right here, right now.”
I wasn’t sure if Nathan would be able to keep to his word, but I still needed to hear it. I needed to believe him, and I would hold on to that promise if only to keep the hope alive. Hope that we could find a way to stay together—always, as he said.
“Do you mind if I just call it a night? I want to go straight to sleep, but if you’re free tomorrow, we can go for a run in the morning, and I also made dinner plans with Nolan and Emily.”
“That’s perfect,” he replied. “I just need to take a look at some papers at noon, but it will only take an hour tops. So we can run in the morning and then I’ll see you again once I get out of the office. And dinner with Nolan and Emily sounds great.”
Nathan ran his fingers through my hair, down my neck. “Are you sure I can’t help you change your mind? About staying?” Nathan’s lips met mine. I allowed myself to get lost in the kiss that felt like an effortless apology, making things feel better. Lighter.
And even if it usually was the hardest thing to resist him, I wasn’t in the mood for any of that. Not tonight. And a part of me thought it wouldn’t do him any harm to miss me a little.
“You’re cheating,” I said, breaking away from his lips.
“I know.” He kissed me again, but I guess he assumed that if I hadn’t told him to come up by now, then it wasn’t happening. And he was always such a gentleman. “Get some sleep, love, because tomorrow you are going to have trouble kicking me out of your bedroom.”
“That sounds … interesting,” I said with a laugh.
