Page 84 of Awestruck at Dusk
“Never heard of it.” My father kept staring at me as the server asked for my ID, which I pulled out of my wallet. He nodded after taking a quick look at it and asked if we were ready to order. My father looked away with a somewhat flat look on his face. He wouldn’t make a fuss out of a glass of wine and certainly not in front of Nathan.
Our server took our food order and left the table.
“James!” A man tapped my father’s back twice. He shot up from his seat after seeing it was someone he knew. He introduced Nathan and me to his acquaintance and talked to the man for a few minutes, giving us a small window to speak privately.
Nathan immediately reached out for my hand. “Your cast is off,” he said, realizing that as he grabbed my hand in between his. “Does it hurt?”
I couldn’t make myself look at him. “No. It only feels—wonky.”
Nathan laughed a soft laugh. “I like it when you use my words.” But I didn’t laugh back. I couldn’t pretend like I was okay with everything. I wished I could, but it was something I couldn’t control. It was all part of a deeply ingrained trauma.
I didn’t want to be deprived of Nathan in the same way I’d been robbed of my father’s time because of work. I refused to accept a reality where work always came first.
“I know you’re furious with me about not going to mass with you. I know I promised to be there, and I swear that I got the time mixed up. There’s nothing more I want but to be there for you when you need me. Just like you’re always there for me. You have to believe me.”
“I do believe you. It’s not that. It just—worries me,” I whispered back, “that you’re not able to juggle your personal life with work. And I know how important your job is. How much you love doing it. That’s why I never say a thing to you about it.
“But you couldn’t make it for pizza night two weeks ago, and it’s okay if you can’t make it every time, but you canceled on me when the food was on its way. You missed Nina’s birthday last week too. I showed up alone when we’d already RSVP’d. Everyone kept asking me about you. Even Aiden was there.
“You couldn’t come to my exhibit either and it was kind of a big deal for me. And then today—” I looked away for a second and sighed, trying not to be emotional about this. It was a tough day for me, and I usually wouldn’t be as touchy-feely with this type of conversation. But I couldn’t help but feel so utterly alone.
The server brought my wine, so I took a sip and continued.
“It’s been a month since your promotion, and you know how proud and happy I am for you—that you got it, but you’ve missed out on a few things already. And I wonder if this is how it’s going to be from now on. And the fact that I’m used to it doesn’t mean that’s what I want for us.”
I sipped on my wine again and placed it back on the table, staring at it.
“Murph, look at me.” He cupped my chin and gently turned my face toward him. “I amsosorry—about everything. I know I’ve been consumed with work, and I want to stop making excuses, but I’m adjusting to this new rhythm. I’m sure it will get better with time.”
That’s where we disagreed. It wouldn’t get better. Why would it? Not with all the plans my father had in stock for him. And it’s not that I wanted him to be lazing around all day. I was proud of Nathan, of what he’d achieved. I just wanted him to be more self-aware of how his job could end up affecting his personal life because, at this rhythm, I wasn’t sure I could keep up.
“And I find out through my father you want to partner up and start a firm with him? Why wouldn’t you tell me anything about it?”
It all felt too formal too soon. And I have to admit the thought of them getting so involved did make me panic—a millionwhat ifsinvaded my mind.
“I didn’t want to tell you until it became more than just chit chat over drinks. And I still feel like what he’s offering me is too good to be true if I’m honest. I guess I couldn’t believe it myself. I was waiting for it to be real, to tell you.”
I parted my mouth to speak, but my father said, “My apologies,” taking his seat back on the table.
For the rest of dinner, I didn’t bother to smile or fake a laugh. All I wanted was to leave. But I couldn’t stand up and walk away, although the thought crossed my mind a few times.
My father kept looking at me funny as we ate dinner. He knew I was upset with Nathan, but I guess that in his mind, he couldn’t understandwhyit bothered me that much that he didn’t show up for mass. Maybe if he agreed with me—if he saw my point—he’d automatically admit to being wrong himself for blaming his job all the time too.
It even made me doubt if I was wrong for caring too much. And I refused to be a victim of my circumstances because the thought of leading this kind of life for the rest of my days felt like the most boring thing in the world. I’d always promised myself to break free someday.
Ihadto let Nathan know the things I craved for myself. The adventures I wanted to embark on, the sense of freedom I’ve been waiting to find my entire life, knowing perfectly well there was a high probability that it’s not that he wouldn’t want that too, but that he might’ve already lived like that growing up. And I hadn’t. He was ready to be a grown-up, to get serious.
I … wasn’t.
A Safe Choice
“DO YOU WANTme to spend the night?” Nathan asked as we rode back from the restaurant. He dropped a gentle kiss on my neck. “I want to make it up to you.”
“I don’t know. I’m tired. It’s been a long day.” I didn’t say that to be proud, but it was the truth. It’d beenthelongest day, and all I wanted was to collapse in my bed. And it wouldn’t do me any harm to sleep off the discomfort of everything that happened. I was still processing all of it. And I’m sure Nathan wasn’t planning to go straight to sleep.
“Is that what you really want? To partner up with my father?” I whispered to Nathan. I felt like we couldn’t talk freely at the restaurant. There were still a few things I wanted to ask him—to know. “I don’t want you to feel pressured into any of it just because it’s him asking.”
“Well, I’ve always dreamed about having my own firm. And I respect your father, his trajectory, so I feel like if I partner up with him, it would be something that could happen sooner rather than later, or at all, for that matter. But yes, it is a dream of mine, and to be honest, I don’t know if I would be capable of doing it on my own. There’s too much competition out there, but with your father’s connections—”
