Page 88 of Awestruck at Dusk
Lily:Was it hard for you? To listen to them having sex?
Me:I wanted to break down that wall. I had to sleep on the living room couch. It was THAT bad. But now that he’s left, I feel like it’s been easier for me to block him out. But the flowers he sent today are messing with my head. It meant a lot to me that he remembered, but I’m so confused about why he would do it. I’m afraid that once Zara comes back, they’ll rekindle their relationship or something. And it would be so awkward because I would have to see her all the time. I mean, she’s Nathan’s sister.
Lily:I feel like it was only a one-night thing. For Billy, at least. It could be that he was just trying to get you out of his head, and Zara happened to be there. But Zara might feel differently.
Me:Could be. But it doesn’t matter anyway.
Lily:It does matter when I know how you feel about him.
Me:William’s gone. He left. He wants to sell his apartment. He doesn’t want to see me. He’s going out with all these other girls. It’s all very straightforward. And I’m with Nathan.
Lily:Why do you think that is? He’s crazy about you. All the things he’s done for you. I’ve NEVER in my life seen Billy do a fraction of that for anyone else. And I freaking love Nate too. But ughhhhh!!! I hate this.
Me:I feel like I should get real and just focus on my relationship with Nathan. That’s what I’ve been trying to do these past few weeks. I can’t risk what I have with him. And what if Zara is in love with William or something? How weird would it be? I hate this too.
Lily:I get it. Nathan’s the safe choice.
The safe choice.
I guess Lily was right, but her remark kind of hit home, and it certainly didn’t make things easier for me. It was a complete brain fuck, to be exact.
Safe.Does that make me a coward?
Me:I guess I never know what to expect from William.
Lily:And that’s the reason why you’re still curious about him.
William’s reply came in.
Me:William just texted me back.
Lily:Shit, ok. Well, I’ll leave you to it. I’m already late for dinner with friends. I’ll see you in NY in a few days. Love you, Billie!
Me:Love you too, Lily. I’ll see you soon. Thanks for everything.
I clicked out of Lily’s conversation and opened William’s text.
W.S:Glad you liked them. Thanks for the birthday wishes. Emily is Nolan’s girl, right? Tell her I said thanks.
ThatI wasn’t expecting. There was no witty comeback, no sarcastic comment, no teasing me to the point of wanting to slap him all the way to Sagaponack. I wasn’t used to William being so … polite with me—cold. And it hurt more than I would’ve imagined.
But he did me a favor … I guess.
I didn’t reply. Instead, I tossed my phone on my bed and jumped in the shower. That’s what owning your choices looks like. And it felt like shit.
The Cottage
June 18, 2010
TODAY WAS THElast day of my Summer Intensive Program. I took a graphic design course as an elective for my BFA curriculum. It was a somewhat demanding course, and it kept me occupied during these past few weeks.
My hand was healing fast. Every day it felt better, thanks to the physical therapy sessions that I’d been attending. It didn’t feel stiff anymore, and the swelling was gone completely.
Nathan kept traveling all the time, working late, working weekends—exhausted. It worried me to see him so stressed out. He insisted on how the workload would go back to a more acceptable rhythm once they were done with a tough negotiation. But there was always going to be a new client.It never ends.
I was still having good and bad days regarding Caleb. And the nightmares hadn’t gone away. They weren’t as frequent as before but still very much present—raw and vivid.
Nathan was making an effort to show up when he had to—to stay over when he could.
