Page 64 of Have a Bear-y Little Christmas
“It wasn’t always like that. In fact, when he missed last Christmas, I was relieved that he was willing to admit everything wasn’t just hunky-dory. But ever since then, it’s like he’s forced any and all negative thinking into a closet.”
I thought back on our interactions to see if I could retroactively pick up any clues about that, and now that Ana mentioned it, there were a few times when Remy had stated he’dnever discussed something with anyone, or that it was his first time really allowing himself to think about a more serious topic or philosophy.
“But I gotta say, seeing him around you really puts me at ease.”
That pulled me out of my retrospection. “It does? Why?”
“Because his happiness seems real. Less forced. And maybe I’m just all up in my feelings about this, but it looks like an entire weight is off him.” She took my hand and intertwined our fingers. It was a surprisingly intimate move for someone I’d only met two days ago, but it wasn’t unwelcome. In fact, it was like a gate opening between us, allowing me closer to who she truly was.
“I know this might not be my place, and I amcompletelyaware that men and women can just be friends, but if there is something between you two, I want you to know my sister would be one hundred percent behind it. Some people sort of look past Remy because he can be quiet and seems so put-together on the outside, but Zara’s always seen that deeper part of him since we were kids. And I’m thinkin’ you see it too.”
I knew exactly what she meant. Remy was handsome, strong, and came across as intensely capable, but there was so much moreto him. He was deeply introspective, and the wisdom bombs he dropped on me lingered in my mind. I’d spent multiple nights staring at the ceiling, thinking about his premise that first reactions were what society taught us, and secondary reactions being our true self.
“I do. I get the impression he doesn’t think he’s all that smart, but I think he’s crazy insightful. I mean, just look at his daughters. I’m pretty sure that’s not all Zara.”
“Nope! Not at all. And I don’t think he realizes it, but Eva really does take after him in so many ways. That girl issharp, but she’s selective about who she trusts to show it to.” Ana squeezedmy hand, and those stormy green eyes looked so deep into me, I swore that she could see all the way down to Juniper. “You get what I’m sayin’?”
My heart was still thundering, but for entirely different reasons than the fear at the beginning of our conversation. “You think he trusts me?” God, I very much wanted to believe that, but the pessimistic side of me—the one that had been so betrayed by my first love and even my own parents—said it was far too soon and that there was something everyone here was hiding because no one was this nice.
“I think so, yeah. Obviously, I can’t say one hundred percent, but I’ve known the guy since I was a sophomore in high school, so I’m pretty confident.”
Despite working with words every day, I didn’t really have the right ones to describe how I was feeling.
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked finally.
“Because I want to see my brother happy. And to be honest, I kind of want to see you happy too. Maybe it’s intuition, maybe it’s that little angel of yours that’s influencing me, but I’ve got a really, really good feeling about things. Whether it’s friendship or whatever in your future. I don’t wanna put pressure on it or anythin’…” She trailed off, her gaze finally drifting out of my soul to somewhere past me.
I waited for her to formulate exactly what she was trying to express.
“Look. I know this situation isn’t simple. We’re all adults and there are so many complications that come with adult life. But I want you to know that I’m both happy you’re here and you have my blessing for whatever happens between you—ifanything happens between you. That’s all.”
I wanted to thank her—in fact, that’s exactly what I planned to do, but instead I burst into tears. Big, sloppy,snottytears.
“Whoa, whoa, hey there,nhâ! It’s okay. What’s goin’ on here?”
She pulled me into a hug. I felt a little like I was going crazy, because while I had always been a relatively emotional person who felt things pretty deeply, I’d learned from a young age to withhold my tears and pretend everything was okay, so I wouldn’t be lectured about being ungrateful or dramatic.
“I just…” I said before hiccups interrupted me. God, I was such a mess. “I thought I wasfine. When Max went into remission, I thought I truly had everything I needed and I would be content watching him grow up. But now I’m realizing…” I trailed off, half afraid to verbalize what my brain was screaming.
“Now you’re realizing you might want more.”
I nodded.
“That you mightneedmore.”
Another nod. The tears were slowing, which I was sure was because I’d fried my tear ducts during Max’s illness.
“Look, Jeannie, I know I’m basically a stranger, but please believe me when I tell you it is both healthy and normal for you to crave things outside of your son. I get that you’ve dedicated the last three years of your life to keeping that lil’ guy alive, but he’s good now. He’s in remission. Now’s the time to expand your world a little and make time for Mama.”
“I… I think you’re right,” I admitted. “But it’s kind of terrifying. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I made him my whole world. He’s the one person I can trust. But now…”
“Now things are looking a little different?”
“Yeah,” I finished lamely.
“Hey, different is okay. Scary is okay. But it’s the holidays. So, why don’t we put that bigger world you’re crackin’ open to the side and have you enjoy the season? I heard this is your first Christmas since Max got better, right?”
“Right.”
