Page 21 of Sugar Rush
“I can stand out here all night, you know.”
I heard his long, deep sigh before the door opened and he stepped out, giving me a wry look, like I was the last person in the world he wanted to see. I wasn’t used to anyone looking at me that way, especially him. I felt this odd twinge, which I was pretty sure was my feelings being hurt.
In that moment, all of the uncertainty of the situation felt like it was crashing down around me, filling me with nerves and dread and insecurity. I felt like the most annoying, undesirable person in existence. Like no one could ever want me, least of all someone like Kieran. I’d never experienced such a deeply embedded, primal sort of emotion. It was like his rejection had activated some dormant organ inside me that only knew how to hurt.
I winced, hissing from the sudden pain.
“Hey,” he said sharply, moving toward me so fast that I couldn’t have any kind of reaction. “Are you okay?”
The moment his hand touched my upper arm, the pain disappeared without a trace, but it was a little late. My eyes had already welled up with tears from the sudden sting.
“I-I’m fine,” I lied, pulling away a little, even though the warmth of his fingers bleeding through the sleeve of my t-shirt made me feel a million times better. “I think I got an eyelash in my eye or something.”
“Here, let me see,” he ordered, cupping his hand under my chin to tilt my face up. The feeling of his calloused fingertips onmy smooth cheek was so intense I could feel myself getting hard. Not necessarily the best mindset to be in for a conversation I wanted to have leverage in. “Jesus, Jordy, your eyes are red.”
“Well, it hurt,” I answered defensively.
His thumb moved up to flick through a wet smudge just under my lower lashes, and it was suddenly like I couldn’t even remember what pain felt like, like all I knew was euphoria. What the hell was happening in my body? I’d lived in it for 18 years, but now it was doing unfamiliar things and reacting in unfamiliar ways.
My lower lip quivered, just for a second, but his eyes were drawn to the movement. I drew in a breath, suddenly tense. His fingers tightened on my face, like he felt it too, then immediately loosened as he pulled back.
“Kieran.” His name came out in a whine, but I couldn’t help it. And anyway, I’d never been above whining and pouting to get what I want. “Can you please just talk to me?”
The silence stretched out like an ocean between us as I found myself, once again, waiting for his answer.
KIERAN
THE MOON WASbright that night, filtering moonbeams down through the leaves of the giant oak in the yard. We lived in a quiet, suburban neighborhood where everyone went to bed early, so there wasn’t a soul out except us. It was just me, trapped by Jordy’s accusing blue eyes and the wounded tone of his voice.
I’d hurt him, but that wasn’t a surprise. It seemed like that was what I’d always been destined to do. It felt like no matter what I tried or how I reacted to him, I’d end up making him feel like shit. I wasn’t the kind of alpha for someone like him. I didn’t know how to be sweet or gentle or comforting.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I finally said, averting my gaze from him so I didn’t have to see the pain snap back into his face. “I have work I need to finish up before bed, so whatever you want to talk about, just forget it.”
“Really, Kieran?” To my relief and slight fear, that last line had nudged him over the line from hurt to pissed off. It was easier hearing him like that, but I also knew he could have a temper when things weren’t going his way. I usually made a point of avoiding that temper by giving him whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, just like everyone else in the world, but pissing him off about this was unavoidable. “There’s nothing that happened recently that maybe we need to talk about?”
“Nothing comes to mind,” I lied.
He scoffed, letting an incredulous little laugh that under other circumstances would have annoyed the hell out of me.
“So you didn’t follow me to a party the other night because you were jealous of the fact that I might talk to other guys?”
Balking a little at the blunt statement, I felt my cheeks darkening. “I wasn’t fucking jealous, okay? I just knew you were going to get in some kind of trouble. And I was right. So drop it.”
“Oh, okay,” he said, injecting a sarcastic pep into his voice. I knew that tone really well. He was about to say something to make me feel like the biggest fucking moron on the planet. “So if Andrew had squeezed in next to me and started feeling me up and I’d liked it, you would have been fine with that? The only reason you interfered is because you were worried for me. Is that what you’re saying?”
“You’re testing my patience, Jordy.”
“So you wouldn’t be fine with it?”
“I…” Gritting my teeth together so I wouldn’t snarl, I swallowed the knot that had formed in my throat at the idea. “So fucking what? So I don’t like seeing sleazeballs put their hands on you. That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Yes it does!” He insisted, moving to the side to block me when I tried to take a step toward the house. Part of me wanted to throw him over my shoulder like a caveman and drag him inside, but I was pretty sure he’d squeal and alert the neighborhood. “We both know what it means. It’s stupid to pretend like you don’t.”
He was right, and we both knew it. He had me pinned to the metaphorical wall, and there was nothing I could say that would change it or fix it. My mind was spinning and scrambling, desperate for one scrap of anything that could tilt the conversation in my favor. Whatever I’d done or said the night I’d come home drunk had already cemented the fact in his mind that I wanted him. There wasn’t anything I could do to change that. But if he ever found out how completely andhopelessly obsessed with him I was, there was no way I’d ever live it down. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Look.” It took every ounce of effort in every cell in my body to force the casual pitch into my voice. Like I wasn’t squirming and screaming and dying inside. “Jordy, I don’t really know how to say this, and I’ve been trying to avoid it, but… This crush you have on me… It has to stop.”
He blinked at me for a few seconds, seemingly in total shock. I was pretty sure nothing had ever rendered him speechless before, so there was a mild sense of accomplishment in that.
