Page 119 of Not In The Contract
“Please don’t yell at me,” I mumbled. “But yes, I did. I can’t believe it either.”
“Wait, why is this a bad thing, hun?” she asked, resting her chin in the palm of her hand.
I took a second to admire the stacks of golden rings on her fingers before answering. “I told her that we could never have a real relationship because of her sister.” I sighed, and Tamera’s usually bright eyes dimmed. “She didn’t take it well. I’m not really taking it well myself, if I’m being honest.”
“You feel bad for telling her that?” Tamera guessed and I nodded. “And she didn’t say whether she felt the same way or…?”
I shook my head. Words were hard to come by when I wasn’t in the mood to rehash every last detail. However, I knew Tam wouldn’t settle for less, so I made the effort.
“It wasn’t exactly a conversation,” I admitted. “I sat her down and talkedather, I guess. Which probably wasn’t fair.”
“You were probably worried about what she’d say, right?” Tamera said, and God damn her for her instinct. At my silence, she sighed. “So you just bombarded her with your emotions and dipped?”
“You make it sound awful,” I muttered, taking her cold judgment right in the chest.
She was exactly right, of course. I couldn’t admit it before, but the only reason I hadn’t given Alex a chance to state her case was out of fear. She would’ve said things, I would’ve softened, and none of this Jamie stuff would be resolved. Not that it was totally resolved right now, anyway… But still.
Tamera fixed me with an incredulous look. She wasn’t buying tickets to my pity party, and I couldn’t blame her.
“No, I make it sound like what really happened,” she huffed. “That’s what’s going on in that overworked brain of yours. Shame and guilt because you finally admitted that you want something and now you’re back-pedaling. Classic Devon.”
“I do not back-pedal,” I scoffed, knowing it was a bald-faced lie. “I just hate that I made her feel bad at all. You should have seen her face, Tam. It was like I’d slapped her.”
As I said it, my hand stung as though that was what happened. I interlaced my fingers in my lap, leaving my phone propped against one of the pillows.
Tamera shook her head slowly as she looked at me. “And you’ve been feeling shit ever since you realized that your feelings were becoming serious,” she shot back. “That makes the two of you even in my eyes.”
Even. Like this was a game.
“You don’t get it,” I whined. “Isawher eyes change when I told her how I felt. She looked happy and I knew what she was going to say. I’m not an idiot, you know? I can tell she’s not the casual kind of person but I couldn’t hear her say the words. I didn’t want to, because I knew that if she told me she felt the same, or even a fraction of what I feel, I wouldn’t have been able to tell her the rest.”
And there it was… the kernel of truth that had been hiding beneath my guilt this whole time. Out loud.
“Devon, it’s not a bad thing to want to be with her. You know that, right?”
I groaned. This call with Tam was supposed to help me out of my funk, not make me reckon with everything I wanted to avoid.
“I know that, but I don’t know how it would work between Alex and me,” I confessed.
“Why not?”
I frowned, recalling all the instances that Jamie had inserted herself into Alex’s already packed schedule. All the times I’d been left feeling like a third wheel in their relationship.
It wasn’t my place, and likely would never be, but I hated seeing how much pressure Alex was under. I hated seeing how much of that pressure stemmed from her sense of obligation and duty towards her sister.
“It’s late,” I muttered. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Tam.”
“You’re leaving me on read, just like that?” she asked incredulously.
I slipped under the covers and gave her a weak smile. “I just want to go to sleep and leave this day behind. Thank you for listening.”
“Wish I could say the same to you,” Tamera shot back without hesitation.
“Tam…”
“No, Devon. You know I’m right,” she interrupted, her voice taking on a firmer tone, like a strict school teacher laying down the law on the first day of school. “You’re being too hasty, cutting loose without giving you and Alex a real shot. I know you, and I know this is more than just a passing phase. You want to sign off, then fine. I’ll sign off. But I’ll do it after telling you to get your head out of your ass.”
“Gee, thanks, Mom,” I muttered. “Can I go now?”
