Page 33 of Be Your Somebody
Chapter 21
Avery
Best friend bootcamp final item: baking cookies
Asmilehasbecomea permanent fixture on my face for the last twenty-four hours. I can’t stop thinking about how magical last night was. The stargazing, the dancing in the rain, the fact he went out of his way to buy all my favorite snacks? Swoon! Plus, the song he chose had to be a coincidence, right? He couldn’t have known about my dream with him. The most amazing part of the night lies upon my wrist. A lazy smile stretches across my face as my fingers lazily play with the beads. I remember how distraught I was when I lost the original one he gave me, so this feels extra special.
He came so close to kissing me last night. But instead of feeling blissfully happy, I’m left needy and confused. IknowI wasn’t the only one feeling the moment. At least, I don’t think I was. Ugh, men.My mind is mentally pulling petals off a flower and chanting thehe wants me, he wants me notmantra.
I’m itching to talk to Brianna about this, but I already know what she’ll say:Girl, just hurry up and make the first move already.I roll my eyes at the thought because it’s a very Bri thing to say.
I need to clear my head, so I get dressed and make my way outside to sit by the dock. My footsteps come to a halt when I see Cas already sitting there, dressed in his usual dark gray shirt and black jeans. As much as I want to be alone with my thoughts, I’m happy he’s here.
“Hey, handsome,” I say. His head snaps around towards me and my smile fades. His usual bright eyes are now vacant and dull. I rush over to him in a panic seeing the purple circles under his eyes and the ghostly pale of his face.
“Hey, what happened?” Cas looks up at me, all glassy-eyed with tears he’s clearly holding back. As soon as my arms come around him, he completely loses it. His head is in his hands and his body violently shakes as he cries. I’ve never really seen him this upset before. If I listen closely, I can hear a small cracking sound inside my heart. We sat for what seemed like five minutes with me rubbing comforting circles against his back. His head is still in his hands, but his body has stopped shaking and his breathing has evened out.
“Cas.” At the sound of my voice, his head comes out of his hands revealing a face that mirrors a wounded child. I place my hands on either side of his face, wiping his tears away with my thumbs. “Cas, talk to me.”
“I just had a rough night. I didn’t get any sleep.” His head nestles in the space between my neck and collarbone.
“Oh Cas, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?” He shakes his head in response and I can’t help but feel a small zing of hurt. This isn’t about me, though. There’s a reason why he’s not sharing this with me, and I just have to be patient. He needs to rest, but when I attempt to shift out of his hold, his grip tightens, locking me in place.
“Avery, please don’t go. I want to tell you, I just, I don’t know how to yet. And if I did tell you, it would come out as gibberish. I’m running on like three hours of sleep.”
“I'm right here, Cas. I won't leave you, but I think you really need to get some sleep so," I stand up and see a look of hurt flash across his face. Cas struggles with trusting people to do what they say they’re going to do. Cas is already starting to shut down, an automatic response from years of being let down. So when I reach my hand out toward him, his shoulders relax and Cas heaves a sigh of relief.
“Let’s go,” I say. Cas stares at my outstretched hand with a look of bewilderment.
“You need a nap. So, we’re going to go to my house so you can sleep. That way, if you end up having another nightmare, I’ll be right there to help you with whatever you need.”
Cas eventually grabs my hand, and once he’s up, he pulls me into his arms. “Thank you,” he whispers. “Thank you for being here. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like you.” When he clutches my hand, his heartbreaking words squeeze my heart.
Cas zombie walks toward the couch the second we’re inside. I excuse myself to gather all the nap-time necessities. When I return, I’m greeted with an already passed out Cas with a scrunched up expression, almost as if he’s bracing himself for the inevitable nightmare. I don’t know what’s going on. I just know that whatever it is has him feeling vulnerable and maybe scared? Despite how his face looks in his sleep, Cas’ body takes up most of the couch. He looks lost, yet peaceful at the same time. I know the two contradict themselves, but it feels like the perfect descriptor for him at the moment. I tiptoe toward him, not wanting to rouse him, while I place a blanket on top of him. The second I place the pillow under Cas’ head, though, his eyes snap open, startling me just enough to have me jump back.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you, Cas. I was trying to give you a pillow to lay on.”
“Can you—never mind.” Cas’ face begins to turn red and he looks away too quickly.
“Can I what?” I could hardly hear my voice behind the sound of my heartbeat in my ears. Maybe he wants me to leave him alone, or he doesn’t want to be here with me in my house.
“Can you lie down with me?” His eyes look at me with the hope of a child. His question catches me off guard and I just stare at him dumbfounded. Hurt flashes across his face with my continued silence. Hemistakes it for rejection because he quickly adds, “Unless you don’t want to. It’s okay. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
The edge of the couch makes a soft creaking noise as I sit down. I palm my hands on either side of Cas’ cheeks, needing him to understand that what I’m about to say I truly mean it. “No, you didn’t make me uncomfortable. You just surprised me. Of course, I’ll lie down with you.”
He scooches over to allow me to lie down first. Once I’m situated, Cas’ head rests on my stomach, his hands hug my waist. I repeat the same circular pattern on his back as I did earlier, and within seconds, his breathing becomes steady. Even in sleep, Cas has a guarded expression on his face. Like there’s something bubbling underneath the surface and it’s causing him emotional pain. As I sit here rubbing his back, I can’t help the tears that sting behind my eyes at the thought of him battling some tough demons. There’s nothing I want more than to take them all away from him, but knowing I can’t makes me feel useless. My eyes begin to feel heavy and my breathing becomes slower. I decided to rest my eyes for a few minutes.
I wake up and feel something heavy on my chest. Disoriented, I look up to see Cas wide awake and lying on top of me. Damn it! I wasn’t supposed to fall asleep. I was supposed to be providing him safety in case he had another nightmare. I totally suck at this comforting thing.
“Well, good afternoon, sleepyhead,” he says. I take a moment to look at his face. Gone are the bags under his eyes and his face is no longer ashen in color. Actually, he has the goofiest grin on his face, and it makes me smile knowing he’s happy.
“I wasn’t supposed to fall asleep with you. What kind of protector can’t stay awake? Did you sleep okay? Any nightmares?” I ask.
“No, that was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in ages. You’re really warm and comfortable to cuddle with. I could get used to lying in your arms.” He nuzzles my stomach and I let out a squeal.
“Stop, that tickles!” My voice comes out breathy.
“Oh, does it now?” The look he shoots me is pure mischief. Before I know what’s happening, he’s tickling me mercilessly. My laughter continues, eventually turning into snorts.
