Page 59 of Reckless
“What the hell?!”
The exact words that had just rung through my head bounced off the walls. Had I said them out loud?
I turned, and there stood Gage in the doorway, his hair mussed, dark circles under his eyes, a three-day beard darkening his jaw. Something in my stomach clenched hard, and I just wanted to go to him, throw myself into his arms and lean on him. Have him lean on me.
But my mother had just confessed that she faked needing me to keep me close. And the sickening truth was that I’d fallen for it, depended on it, even liked it. Came to need it.
“What your mother is trying to say,” Babs said because Mom was now weeping so hard she could barely breathe much less talk, “is that she’s sorry for hoodwinking you.”
“Mother!” came from Gage, whose eyes were so big over the dark smudges, it made him look a little crazy. And somehow, hot. Very hot.
If it all was a lie, and Mom didn’t really need me here, could I make something work with Gage? Could I leave New Hope?
“Do you mind if I have a little word with Kelly alone? Just for a moment?” Babs said, her voice lower than before, fatigue showing.
Gage assessed her from the doorway. “Just for a moment.”
Mom exited, still sniffling into the tissue. I didn’t know what to say to her, so I chose silence for the moment.
“Don’t be hard on your mother, dear. She loves you and really does need you. Probably needs you more than she’ll ever admit now. But she can live her own life. And you should too.”
I stared into her wise eyes. “I want…I want to see if Gage wants to try to have something with me. I’m just not sure how to approach it. I mean, I know him to his soul, but when I look at him, I see a man who maybe I don’t know so well. Parts of him had become a stranger. It’s like he’s him and also a different person. The one the rest of the world knows, then who he really is.”
“Yes.” She nodded in slow motion. “It really is that way. He isn’t quite the arrogant tough boy people think he is. Which is why he’s going to need a lot of help soon.” She gave me a piercing look. “I trust you to take care of him though. Directly after, I mean. I wouldn’t lock you into a lifetime unless you want it, and that’s up to the both of you.”
“Don’t worry, Second Mamma.”
Even if things didn’t work out quite as I wanted them to, it didn’t mean Gage and I had to lose touch completely again. We were adults now, much more able to deal with our emotions. Gage would need me to be his friend, and I would be. Whatever he needed, I’d be there, no matter what.
“Thank you so much. You’ve been a wonderful honorary daughter, Kelly. My son is lucky to have you in his life.” She chewed on her bottom lip thoughtfully, and I waited, knowing something was coming. “There’s something else I need to ask of you. It’s a big thing though.”
A buzzing settled in the bottom of my stomach, but I nodded. I didn’t have any choice. I couldn’t say no to a request from a woman on her deathbed.
“Gage keeps saying that he doesn’t want it, and he probably doesn’t, but there’s a small part of me that’s worried his mind might change once I pass. I just want to tell one person. I don’t know if I’ll have peace otherwise. That way, if he does decide, I can be sure that at least one person knows…”
“Knows what?” I leaned in closer, curiosity and dread vying for the upper hand.
“About his father.”
I couldn’t keep myself from flinching. There was no point giving my opinion, she and I knew better than anyone in the world what Gage thought of his father. I couldn’t envision any future in which he’d change his mind about that, but at the same time, as someone who’d lost her father, I knew how tight a family bond could run given half the chance.
Babs was right. He might choose differently after she was gone.
“Yes, tell me. I’ll let him know if he ever wants to.”
She handed me an envelope. “That’s got his name and a bit of an explanation. It will be a shock for Gage, but I just want someone to have the information, just in case.”
I folded the envelope and stuffed it into my pocket. “I have a jewelry box at home. An old one with nothing in it but one of those dancing ballerinas. It doesn’t even spin anymore, and the music doesn’t play, but I keep it because Dad gave it to me. I’ll put this information in there so it’ll always be safe. If Gage ever tells me that he wants to find his father, I’ll give it to him then.”
“Thank you so much, Kelly. You have no idea how much peace that brings me. I tried to bring up the subject with him, but he shot me down in an instant.”
I laughed softly. “I can imagine.”
“I just don’t want his information to be lost if Gage ever decides to look.”
“You’re a wonderful mother, Babs.” My chest constricted, and I couldn’t stop tears from welling up in my eyes. “The world will be a worse place without you.” I choked on the emotion. “I don’t ever want to say goodbye. It isn’t fair.”
She smiled serenely, not sharing any of my intense sadness. “No one ever wants to say goodbye, dear. It’s just one of those unfortunate things. I’ll see you again one day.”
I hoped she was right. I liked to imagine an afterlife where I could see all the people I’d loved and lost. I wanted to imagine Stephen and Dad somewhere better, living out the life they should have had here. Babs too, when she went. Her spirit was too bright and colorful to not go on to a place where she could shine.
“That’s better than goodbye. I’ll see you on the other side then.”
Babs smiled and winked. “I’ll have the party ready.”
