Page 10 of Safe Word
“Shit, I’m not gon’ argue with that. I don’t have too many people coming over and volunteering to cook. Come on,” he said, motioning with his head for me to follow him further into the kitchen.
With his back to me, I could think a little clearer. “Kannon, I don’t regret last night, but I know it was a mistake. I apologize for putting you in that position.”
If I weren’t standing right behind him, I wouldn’t have noticed the way his shoulders hitched slightly at my statement. Still, he nodded.
“You don’t have to apologize, Carrie. I’m a grown man. You’re right though. It was probably a mistake.”
Somehow, I knew we were both lying. The thickening of the air told me all I needed to know. The only thing I regretted was saying that what we’d done was a mistake. I had never felt so connected to someone while also being so turned on. I was looking at Kannon differently, and I didn’t like it. He’d always been sexy and commanding, but now there was a new layer to him that I couldn’t quite put words to yet.
“If anything, I should be the one apologizing. I was worried about protecting you from them when I should’ve been protecting you from me. You were drunk and high. I should’ve . . .” He shook his head and turned to face me. “I’msorry for not showing more restraint, Carteay. I never want to be anything other than a source of peace and comfort for you. I’m not a predator. I swear I’m not that guy.”
“Kannon, I—” He held his hand up, stopping me mid sentence.
“The pots and pans are down there. Everything you need should be in the fridge or on the counter,” he told me.
“Kannon, don’t do that. Don’t make things weird between us, because I don’t regret what we did. I wanted it. I asked for it. I knew exactly what I was doing.”
I wanted to add you tied me up, and I still felt safer than I had in as long as I could remember, but I didn’t. I wanted to tell him all the differences between what we did and what I had to do with Cyrus. Everything in my life was a performance these days. I wanted Kannon to know that last night wasn’t a performance.
He’d seen a side of my life that no one else had seen. I didn’t want him looking at me as a victim. I wanted him to see me as a woman who was full of passion and love for the right man. I wanted him to see me choosing my own fate for a change. I wasn’t sure how to convey that message. Kannon had seen the messy, inconvenient truth of who I was. That was far more disturbing than a night of the best sex I’d ever had.
“I knew what I was doing, Kannon,” I repeated for good measure.
“That don’t make it right.”
“That doesn’t make it wrong either. Nothing that happened last night makes me weak, none of it.”
He dropped his shoulders and sighed. “I know you’re not weak, Carteay.”
For some reason, his words wrapped around me and loosened the tightness in my shoulders and chest. Weak was the word Ceasar and his minions had used when I refused a photoshoot with Cyrus after finding a woman’s panties on thepassenger side of his car. Weak was what they called me when I told them the man they’d forced me to date had his hands around my throat because I didn’t want to suck his dick on the tour bus. Weak was what they wanted me to be.
They thought the turmoil made me a better artist. Hardship and heartbreak made me write better songs and sing with more passion. My struggle made them richer. It made us all richer, but at what cost?
“Nobody protects me, Kannon. No one gives a fuck about my problems because I’m the pretty, famous girl that has it all. No one wants to hear about my problems or how my day went. You listen to me. You care about me. I know you do. I apologize for the way things happened last night, but I don’t regret it. I’m not asking you for anything, Kannon,” I said, dropping my eyes from his so that I could finish. “I’m not asking for promises or forever. I’m not even asking for another night. I just needed to do something for me. I just needed to feel like I was making my own decisions for a change. I needed to do that with somebody who actually values me, somebody who really sees me.”
I lifted my eyes back to his waiting gaze in time to see the single bob of his Adam’s apple. “I see you, Carteay.”
My eyes lowered from his just a second before I laughed. “This is the first morning since I can remember when my phone didn’t wake me up ringing off the hook with a ton of messages about what I’m supposed to do today. It’s kinda nerve-racking but peaceful at the same time, if that makes sense.”
He nodded. “I get it.”
“Thank you for bringing me here. You didn’t have to do that.”
He shook his head like he was offended that I would even say that, but he didn’t confirm it with words. “Let me get out your way so you can make those world-famous omelets.” Before he left, his eyes dropped to my wrists for a beat like he wanted to ask if they were sore. They were. “I have some oil that I’ll puton your wrists after breakfast,” he said before walking out of the kitchen.
Chapter
Four
Kannon
I had probably protectedpeople thousands of times. I’d pulled people off them in crowds. I’d shielded them from cameras and stupid, prying questions. I’d ushered them through hotel kitchens when the crowds outside got too wild. I’d slept outside of hotel rooms just to make sure a crazed fan didn’t somehow get inside. I was built to protect, probably even born for it. It was the number one thing I was good at.
Now I was questioning everything as I sat at my kitchen counter watching the one and only Carteay Hoyt prance around in one of my shirts making breakfast and singing about wanting to feel something. Knowing she was naked under there did something to me. The faint redness on her wrist from where I’d tied her up had me singing the pledge of allegiance in my head to keep my dick at bay. It was a good thing that I had put on boxers and sweats after Carteay reminded me that I had a guest.
I wanted her again. It felt wrong to still crave her after waking her up in the middle of the night for round two, but I’d be damned if I didn’t want her even more right now. My handsstill itched to touch her soft skin. My ears missed the way she whispered my name over and over when she came for me. It felt wrong to crave her so bad. I shook my head as if that would reset my thoughts and push out any ideas about seeing where last night could lead us. It was crazy to think like that.
We could never be more than friends, and I was fine with that until I wasn’t. I kind of wanted to pursue this, whatever it was. It felt too good not to be right. She felt too good not to be mine. Still, I knew I couldn’t be with Carteay. Hell, she was a celebrity. I hated the spotlight.
