Page 23 of New Growth
“Please keep me updated while you’re over there,” she added, her voice trembling. “I’ll worry.”
“I will, Ma. And… I’m sorry for not calling for a month.”
“It’s fine, Elliot. I just hope you find what you’re looking for.”
And then she hung up.God, I needed a drink.
?
I sat on the benches outside the building, staring blankly at the horizon as the hum of distant voices filled the air. I sipped the Mekhong and Cola I had ditched class to get, and it did exactly what I needed it to—relax me.
When class was finally over, Esther rushed over to me.
“You okay?” she asked, her brow furrowed with concern.
“Yeah. I just… needed a minute. I’m still getting used to everything,” I mumbled, playing with my straw.
“Yeah, it’s a lot. I get it,” she said, nodding as she dropped onto the bench beside me. “I came all the way from Kenya to study here. It was a huge leap for me, too. It will get easier, I promise.”
“I know. I’m just—” I paused, the words catching in my throat.Did I even want to say it aloud? Admit to myself that the reason I felt so uneasy was because I was…
“Lonely?” she asked softly, her voice cutting through the noise in my head.
I nodded, my chest tightening. “Yeah. I guess I didn’t really think about how hard it would be to leave my entire life behind.”
Esther’s expression shifted, her eyes understanding. “It fucking sucks doesn’t it? You leave thinking you’ll find more, but you don’t realize how much you’ll lose when you leave it behind.”
I wanted to tell her everything. I’d only just met her, but I felt so starved for human interaction that I was ready to pour my heart out to the first person who was kind to me.I needed to get out more.
Thankfully, the words wouldn’t come, even if I wanted them to. It was all too raw, too messy, and I wasn’t ready to unravel it just yet.
Instead, I nodded again. “I didn’t realize how much I needed to remind myself that I was doing the right thing. It’s like I need constant reassurance that I didn’t uproot myself for nothing.”
Esther studied me for a moment, her gaze thoughtful. “You know, I came here with no one. I didn’t even know what I was doing half the time. But I knew why I was doing it. Maybe what you’re lacking is purpose. You wouldn’t question yourself so much if you knew you were working toward something meaningful.”
I blinked.Huh.
“Do you want something out of this?” she asked, leaning forward slightly. “What’s your plan after you finish the course?”
I hesitated, “I have no idea.”
Esther laughed at my obvious ignorance. “That’s your problem right there, Elliot.Purpose. It makes all the difference.”
Friendship.
Whatwasmypurpose?
It was a question I’d asked myself repeatedly over the last three weeks, but I’ve always come up short. I’d told myself that coming to Phuket was about evolving, about trying something new and experimental, about findingmyself.
But was that really it? Or was my mother right, and it was just an excuse to run away?
While the pain of what led me here still lingered, it no longer dominated my every thought. I had learned how to breathe again without feeling the weight of it swallowing me. Even though there were days when the heaviness would return like a wave, trying to pull me under, I pushed through.
As time passed, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do after this course. However, I knew one thing for certain:Ma was right.
I hunched over my workstation, biting my lip so hard I tasted copper. The brush in my hand wobbled as I attempted to draw a simple swirl on the practice nail. The more I tried to steady my grip, the worse it got. What was supposed to be a sleek, elegant curve ended up looking like…I don’t know, a heat-damaged curl on its last legs.
I sighed heavily, my frustration evident in my breath. Esther looked over at my work and gave me a supportive thumbs up, but the look didn’t reach her eyes.
