Page 36 of Crow
I rocked back and forth, trying to keep my brain on one train of thought for longer than a couple of seconds. It was so hard. It felt as though I wasn’t in control over my mind. Images and words kept flashing through my brain but disappeared in place of new ones before I could string them together. I kept seeing a series of faces, most of them recognizable, but some were twisted and warped into nightmares. I was clammy, too hot with sweat dripping down the back of my neck. Pins and needles tingled through my hands and feet, making them feel like phantom limbs. I wanted nothing more than a shower.
That was a lie.
I wanted the drugs. I wanted the bliss of not knowing what was going on as the chemicals shot through my blood like electricity, drowning out all thoughts and letting me act without any idea of the consequences. I wanted the withdrawal to end.
I wanted Michael to hold me and tell me it was gonna be okay.
I groaned quietly, clutching my stomach. Everything hurt. It hurt so fucking much. It felt like my body was on fire. I changed my mind about the burger. Suddenly, the thought of eating made me feel like I was going to throw up. Even picturing a glass of water made my mouth taste sour. I looked around the room, trying to decide if the window or bin was the better place to throw up.
Lab Rat was staring at me. I could feel it. His eyes were scraping over my body like thorns. The Freeways had been taking shifts guarding me, but Lab Rat kept coming back. He probably got off on seeing me like this. Sicko pervert. He even stayed in here when other people were guarding me. At the start, before the detox had caused the nausea and vertigo to become too bad, I had tried to escape. The Freeways never used to hurt me, they were under strict orders from Ray that I wasn’t to be touched. From how they were treating me now, those orders no longer applied. They weren’t shy about grabbing me when I tried to break out, and I had new bruises from their hands.
Other than Ray, Breaker had been the roughest. My wrists still throbbed from where he’d squeezed tight enough my bones had ground together. And I could feel bruises forming along my spine from where he’d tossed me against the bed frame. I think Jess had gotten hurt for admitting she knew about me sneaking around to see Michael. I tried to apologize but that just made him angrier. He threw me around like I was little more than a ragdoll, and I had been helpless to do anything to stop it.
I felt weak. I didn’t know if it was from hunger or withdrawal. I kept scratching at my arms. It felt like my bones were itching. Blood dripped from my nose, and I tried to remember what had caused it, but I couldn’t. Maybe nothing had. Or maybe I’d hit my head? I wasn’t sure.
I was sure that I didn’t want to be here. If I could find the strength to stand, I would try and run again. Or maybe not. Lab Rat was still watching me. I didn’t want to give him the excuse he needed to get his hands on me. His touch was like oil on my skin. I shuddered, the movement causing me to cough. It rattled in my lungs and burned the back of my throat.
Everything burned.
Maybe… maybe if I was nice to Lab Rat, he would get me water. Or drugs. Maybe if I gave him what he wanted, things would be okay again.
But it could also make it so much worse. If this is what Ray did for me sleeping with one other person, imagine what he’d do to me if I slept with another.
Maybe that was the key. What if I just slept with everyone, and then Ray would kill me, and then this would all be over.
No. No that was stupid. It would upset Jess, and I hated upsetting Jess. She always stared at me with this look on her face like I’d poisoned a puppy. I couldn’t stand it; I’d do anything for her not to look at me like that. And Crow. Crow was waiting for me. I couldn’t just leave him hanging any longer than I already had. If that boy got any sadder, he might just drink himself to death, and that would be the real tragedy.
Except Crow wouldn’t have time to drink himself to death. Ray was going after the Rebels. He was going to burn them. He was going to burn Crow like he was burning me. I didn’t want Crow to hurt like that. I had to get out of here, I had to warn him…
I stood on shaking legs, my knees buckling, and stumbled toward the door. Lab Rat shoved at my shoulders, knocking me back. I fell to the floor, disgusted with myself for being bested by that rodent of a man, and he loomed over me with a smirk on his pockmarked face.
“How many times are we gonna have to do this, Jade?” he sneered. I gave a quiet sob as he ran his grubby fingers down the side of my face. I could see the sun setting through the window. He grabbed me by the hair and pulled my face close to his. His rancid breath washed over my face, making me gag.
“You should be careful,” he said with a gleam in his eye. “You don’t have Ray’s protection anymore.”
My stomach clenched. My heart beat faster in my chest. I tried to pull away but he tightened his grip on my hair. I was sick of people using my hair to pull me around like a puppet, and Lab Rat was the final straw; as soon as I had the chance, I was gonna cut the whole mess off. His other hand began pulling at the waistband of my jeans. I shook my head, pushing weakly at his shoulders, but he wouldn’t stop. I closed my eyes, not wanting to watch what was going to happen, when there was a knock on the door. Lab Rat froze, then slowly released me.
“What do you want?” he snapped, looking toward the door. It creaked open and Jess shuffled in with a plate of food in one hand and a glass of water in the other. I stared in horror at the huge bruise covering her left cheekbone.
“Ray sent me to bring her food,” she said, not looking up from the carpet. Her long blonde hair fell loose around her shoulders, greasier than I’d ever seen it. Lab Rat squinted at her in suspicion.
“How do I know you’re not lying to me?” he asked. “You could be trying to trick me to help yourfriend.”
“Sneer all you want, Rat.” Jess sighed. “Do you really want to risk pissing Ray off right before the raid?”
“Hmph.” Lab Rat huffed, crossing his arms. “Fine, but be quick. And no fucking funny business, you hear me?”
Jess nodded meekly, but as soon as she had passed him, she pulled a disgusted face that on any other day would have made me laugh. She crouched next to me, pushing the plate into my hands. My fingers closed around the rim of it automatically, but I didn’t pay it any attention. I was too busy staring at her as she smiled gently at me.
“Jess, your face,” I whispered, eyes welling up. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“Oh hush, it’s nothing,” she said softly, but she shifted so her hair fell to cover the bruise. “I can’t stay long, I’m not supposed to be in here, but I wanted to bring you something to eat. Keep up your strength, you know?” She smiled, and even with half her face a swollen purple she looked like an angel. The first friendly face I’d seen in what seemed like forever. My head swam, trying to find some way of thanking her, of telling her how much this meant to me.
“You are the best friend I could’ve asked for,” I told her quietly, staring at her as earnestly as I could. “Seriously, I don’t deserve you. But I’m gonna—I’m gonna try and be better, I promise.”
“Shut up,” she said, even as tears welled in the corners of her eyes. “Just… be careful.” She stood up and headed for the door. I held my breath as I watched her go, biting my tongue to stop my lip from quivering. Just as she reached the door, Jess turned and looked like she was about to say something, but Lab Rat turning to glare at her made her close her mouth into a plastic smile and head out down the corridor. I prayed silently that she would be safe.
As soon as we could hear Jess’ footsteps fade down the steps, I looked down at the plate in front of me. It was only some chips and a sandwich, but I didn’t care. It felt like a lifeline and a banquet all rolled into one. Hunger surged in my stomach, and I began shoveling the chips into my mouth as fast as I could. The sandwich quickly followed, though I barely registered what it was besides that it was food. I almost cried again when I realized the food was gone, but then I remembered the water. I snatched it from the floor beside me and held it to my mouth. Water dribbled down my chin as I gulped it down, spilling from the corners of my mouth. I didn’t pause to breathe until the glass was completely empty.
