Page 88 of To Go
“Do you want me to listen to it?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“Please?” Nessa says, her voice wobbling a little. She hands me her phone, which I already know the password for and I go to open the message. “Actually, could you listen to it in your room? I don’t want to hear what it is, just in case.” In case it’s bad. Incase it’s not something I think she should hear. But Stella’s in the room. I’m torn.
“I got you,” I say, giving her shoulder a squeeze before heading to my room. I quickly slip in before she can see inside. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper to Stella who’s half-hiding under my covers. It would be funny if I weren’t stressed enough to shit diamonds right now.
“It’s fine,” she says softly, gracing me with one of her beautiful smiles. My heart fucking melts.
I put the sound on low and play it. Stella starts scrolling through her phone and I’m grateful that she’s at least pretending to not overhear anything, even if there’s not much she can do. My mother’s voice rings out.
"Vanessa, this is your mother. I would say I expect you to answer the phone when I call, but we both know that I shouldn’t expect anything from you. We are calling to inform you that your trust fund has been dissolved. We have tried for years to make you see reason, to stop with your insane, disgusting behaviour, but you are adamant in being a disgrace to the family. We ask you not to contact us in the future. Should you attempt, you will receive a cease and desist. And Vanessa, if you involve your brother or poison him against us in any way, more than you already have, we will be taking legal action.
Goodbye. "
Eighteen seconds. That’s how long her message was. My parents just destroyed whatever they had left with their daughter in eighteen seconds. And if I want to ensure that they don’t go after her legally, I have to pretend like nothing has changed.
For the first time, I’m lost. I can’t protect her from this. I know she sends them messages here and there, hoping to keep a part of the relationship alive, and now they’ve shat all over it. I can’t fix this. I can’t make it better.
This is going to kill her.
I can’t find my heartbeat anymore. I can’t tell if I’m breathing. I’m locked up, panicking, distraught. Everything I’ve been protecting Nessa from has officially come crashing down around me. My breath starts to come in short bursts. I can’t get enough oxygen in. Holy fuck, am I dying?
Small arms twine around me as a soothing voice starts saying… something. I can’t hear anything past the rushing in my ears. I’ve been in contact with them, trying to foster a relationship between them, suffering, and it was all for nothing. I betrayed my sister by associating with them fornothing.
I barely register as Stella crawls into my lap, wrapping her legs around me and pressing my ear to her breastbone.
“Just listen to my breaths, breathe with me, stud,” she says, her voice a gentle whisper. It’s enough to get through to me. I feel the way her chest moves, trying to move with it. I inhale her sweet scent, allowing it to calm me as much as I can.
When I come back to my senses, tears are streaming down my face and I’m gripping her like a lifeline. She’s combing her fingers through my hair, quietly holding me. She’s playing with the dark curls that have grown out since my last haircut. I love when she plays with my hair, so even though I’ve never worn it this long before, I’ve been putting off buzzing it again.
I take a deep inhale, bracing myself for the conversation I need to have. I exchange a wordless look with Stella, and she nods sympathetically. I delete the message before I stand up and walk out to see Nessa.
She’s standing by the entrance, staring at her shoes, looking perplexed. Her head whips to me when I step into view, and she must see it on my face because her walls immediately go up.
“That bad, huh?” I nod, walking over to her and holding her tight, hoping that she feels how deeply I love her through osmosis.
“I’m sorry,” I say, not sure how to elaborate.
“Wanna give me the CliffsNotes?” She asks, her voice full of fake bravado. She doesn’t want this to hurt her even though I know how much it does. She’s an adult, she knows how much she can handle.
“They’ve dissolved your trust fund. They said not to reach out anymore.” I can’t say more than that. I don’t want there to be any guilt about involving me, or stressed about how awful it really was. I didn’t even know my mother could be that cruel, even if I should’ve seen it coming. Nessa nods, her lips pursed.
“Alright.” She slips on her shoes and grabs her coat. “Before I leave,” she starts, looking at me curiously. “Whose shoes are these? They’re obviously not Beth’s.” My stomach drops to my ankles. Sitting right next to Nessa are Stella’s bright yellow, hand painted converse that she should never have been wearing out in this weather. They’re incredibly identifiable. Nessa laughs half-heartedly at my panic. “Don’t worry, you get back to your girl. I’ll see you later.”
Guilt like I’ve never known floods me as I hear Nessa walk down the stairs and out the building. I had to give her some of the worst news of her life AND lie to her AND hope to god she doesn’t pick up on it.
I’m the worst big brother.
Stella creeps out of the room, checking to make sure the coast is clear.
“She’s gone?” she asks.
“Yeah.” I have nothing more to say. I’m still reeling.
“I’m so sorry,” Stella murmurs as she folds me into her arms, doing her best to comfort me. I accept it for a minute before I separate us. “How did she take it? I couldn’t hear from the room.” Concern colours her expression, and I appreciate it, but I’m about to go into a meltdown. I’ve already had one today, I can’t have another in front of my girl. My pride can’t take it.
“Could you,” I start, “would it be okay if…” I don’t know how to phrase this without being a complete jackass, but she gets it. Of course she does, it’s Stella.
“I’m going to head out, let you gather your thoughts.” She quickly exchanges my clothes for her jeans and sweater. I’m relieved at her understanding. All my words are stuck in my throat, choking me when I try to speak.
