Page 29 of Heat Haze
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
My hands are trembling as I rummage through the drawer, fishing out the one thing I didn’t think I’d ever want to see again. Grant’s ring. Toro is sitting on the bed now, looking down at his feet in shame. I hold it out to Nadine, hoping some part of it can fix this. Fix us.
It doesn’t.
“Why do you have that?” She asks, not moving. What must be a wave of emotions washes over her, features unchanging. The memories. Everything that happened. Everything that I didn’t see. “Why the fuck do you have that?”
“Alma… gave it to me,” I admit. “She wanted me to have it. But… He was your… You should have it.”
She takes it angrily, shoving it into her pocket without so much as a second glance. “What the hell is wrong with you, then? Tell me, Nico! B-Because this isn’t making any fucking sense! None of this is making any sense!”
“I told you the truth.” My voice breaks. I’m standing there but not really. I just feel so detached. “I really did. I-I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Nadine…”
“You’re supposed to be the smart one,” she whispers. Watery eyes can’t even look at me anymore, turning away to the window. “You’re supposed to be smart, Nico!”
Nadine grabs on to the windowsill for support, taking in a gasp of air while falling forward. She’s shaking like a leaf, dry heaving as though she could vomit. It’s my fault. It is. I know that, and I hate it.
“Nadine…”
“Don’t,” she warns, “just don’t.”
I tense up but don’t try to argue with her. I don’t have the right to.
“You didn’t even see it. You don’t even know. Not really.” She still won’t look at me. “It was so fast. They came in… They fucking stabbed him. Right in the neck. I didn’t even know what was happening until he crumpled to the floor.”
My eyes sting while she recalls it all. The selfish part of me was hoping I’d never have to find out, never have to know.
“He did it.” I don’t need to ask whoheis. “Killed the only man I ever loved. The only man who ever actually got me. Who didn’t hate what I was.”
Finally she turns back to me, stone-faced with resentment in the way she glares at me. “And you love him? Why do you get to love when I don’t?” Long strides bring her over to me, face to face now.
“If you really love him,” she starts, “and I mean really love him. Then you’re already dead, Nico. You might as well have died with everyone else that night.”
There’s nothing for me to say. I know what I’m doing is wrong. Loving him iswrong. Trying to ignore the atrocities he’s committed iswrong. Breaking my best friend’s heart iswrong. It’s disgusting, and so am I.
“I’m sor—” I try to apologize again, as if a meaningless apology can fix this.
“Too loud!” Damien’s voice cuts through the walls. Nobody moves. I don’t even breathe. “Shut the hell up down there!”
Nadine doesn’t hesitate to go for the window again, but before she can vault over I grab her arm. She goes toshake me off, but it’s not with her whole heart. That has to count for something, doesn’t it?
“Let Toro take you. H-He’ll keep you safe. If they catch you, it… It won’t be good.”
Nadine laughs humorlessly at that. “You’re out of your mind, Nico.”
That’s all she has to say. Because I get it, she’s scared—with every reason to be. “I’ll… I’ll come too. It’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”
She looks like she wants to believe it, but I know she can’t. There’s no other option, though, so she turns away and just nods with a sigh. As she climbs outside, I reach for a very mopey Toro’s hand. “Please? Can you take us?”
Toro’s honey eyes are blue, hesitantly finding their way to my face. It’s an expression I’ve come to recognize. He still doesn’t want me to go. After everything, does he really think I’d try and book it with Nadine?
“You know I’m not going anywhere,” I tilt my head. “Youshouldknow, at least. Please, Toro. She’s my friend. My best friend.”
He lunges forward, hugging me so strongly my bones feel like they’re about to snap. He nods, not entirely on board with the situation but willing to do it if it makes me happy. When he reaches for my hand after I let him take it, giving him a comforting squeeze.
Then we’re outside. Nadine is walking ahead of us, hugging herself as wheat-colored dead grass crunches underneath us with each step. We make it to the fence after what feels like forever, and I’m immediately reminded of the time I tried to run.
I had made it here. So close, but so far. He could’ve killed me. Heshould’vekilled me, honestly. But he didn’t.He just wanted me to stay, but not because he wants me captive. Because he wants me to love him. Heneedsme to love him.
