Page 30 of Heat Haze
With a heavy swallow I squeeze his hand again, noting the way he squeezes back. Nadine stops just before it, glancing back at us. Her eyes immediately find our intertwined hands, frown unchanging as the pale moon illuminates the features of her face, and the subtle tear stains that run down them.
I can see it all.
The first time we met back at some dingy party I had been invited to, she didn’t care that I wasn’t really confident about myself. She didn’t care that I preferred to stick to the wall like a fly, just watching everyone else live their lives happily.
She took my arm and we were stuck to each other like that for what felt like forever. Becoming roommates, going out every night, it’s all so distant now. L.A. is so far away and deep down I know I’ll never go back. It’s not my home. Is this place my home?
I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t want it to be. But home is wherever Toro is, and right now—that’s here. On a disgusting farm with people who don’t like me. With people who do horrible things.
“I really want you to come with me,” she whispers sadly, letting her arms fall to her sides. “We’re supposed to be best friends.”
“I know. We are.” My voice is hoarse, on the verge of breaking down again. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I step forward, letting go of Toro’s hand. He doesn’t fight me on it, no resistance or sad noises.
We hug. One last hug. The last time I’ll smell the cheap perfume she loves. The last time I’ll feel her acrylics dig into my sides just a little too hard. She’s crying, and so am I.
“I tried,” she says between sobs. “I really did.”
I only nod, unable to speak but clinging just a little tighter so she understands how I feel. When we finally pull apart she wipes her eyes, turning to the fence. She climbs over it, standing on the other side. She said that she had some truck parked down by the road, hidden away so nobody would see.
There’s no more words. She begins walking off, before stopping to spare me one last glance. Every emotion on her face is more than clear. Betrayal, hurt, anger… but there’s something else—something hidden underneath all those negative emotions.
Understanding? Happiness?
I wanna ask her why she’s wearing such a horrible expression. What is she feeling? What is she thinking? But I can’t. My feet are planted against the ground, watching as she walks and walks and walks. Until she’s gone.
Until I’m alone.
But not entirely, because Toro lumbers up from behind and hugs me. That’s the thing that really does it, and all the tears I was keeping at bay begin to flow out like the world’s ugliest waterfall. He just holds me. Holds me while I mourn a life that isn’t mine anymore.
And maybe it never was.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
The walk back to Toro’s room is too quiet. He’s carrying me, holding me up against his chest like some kind of wounded animal. I know I made the right choice, I do. But why does it hurt so much?
When he sets me down on the bed I feel way too overwhelmed to cuddle. I roll away from him, retreating to the corner of the bed while he just watches with an annoyingly sad expression on his face. He’s always sad. Always looking likehe’sthe one who needs to be saved whenhe’sthe one who hurts people.
That thought makes me wince. I didn’t mean it. I’m just frustrated. But at what? Nadine? Him? Myself? I don’t know. Not right now. He lays down next to me, but doesn’t make any motions to try and nuzzle or cuddle with me. It’s weird, and I’m happy he’s listening but maybe that’s not what I really want right now.
I scoot up next to him, letting my head rest on his chest. Despite how big and strong he is, he's just the softest pillow. The best place to rest my head while I think about all the decisions that brought me to this very moment.
He grabs my waist, rubbing up and down the soft skin exposed thanks to my shirt pulling itself up when I rolled over all dramatically. His digits move lazily, unintentionally poking into the stubborn bit of fat that just won’t go away. Squirming, I try to push his hand elsewhere but he just groans and swats me away.
“Toro,” my voice is low in warning. “Enough.”
He looks down at me, confusion evident on his features before he simply shrugs at me like he’s saying “what?” He resumes what he was doing, earning anotherirritated huff out of me. It just reminds me of everything. The pure shock on her face when I said that I loved him. Not once in our entire friendship had she ever looked at me with so much disdain.
Shame is a dangerous thing.
“Don’t touch there.” I add, trying a gentler approach with my tone. “I don’t… like it.”
Before I can even blink Toro is immediately shifting our positions so he’s laying on top of me, gazing at me as if I’m a thousand miles away. It’s as though I said I didn’t likehimor something similar to that.
“It’s… hard to explain.” It’s not really, I just don’t know how to say it out loud. I don’t like talking about it. Not to him, not to Nadine, not to anybody. “Let’s just cuddle, okay?”
But he just won’t let up, staring at me with curiosity plastered across his face. Toro must want to ask me about it, but he can’t find the words. His hand returns to the spot, giving the layer of fat a squeeze that makes me let out the mousiest squeak.
“Stop,” I let out sharper than intended. Is he trying to make me mad? “I told you I don’t like it.”
