Page 48 of Disabling Relics for Dummies
Oh, no. Oh, fuck no. I went running out there. Ravyn was going to have a stroke.
“No pissing in a witch’s herb garden, son!” I yelled.
Oh, shit. Sleipnir finished pissing, shook himself off, and stuck his cock back in his trousers. He emptied his bladder all over her lavender, and I knew she probably used that a lot.
“Where else am I supposed to piss? I have to take a shit too. That was a lot of food last night.”
If he took a cheeseburger shit in her yard, Ravyn was going to flip. I should have shown him the toilets before we went to bed. I was a terrible mother.
“They have indoor plumbing in this century. Right this way.”
I led Sleipnir inside. Killian saw the whole thing. He was glaring at us with his arms crossed. Could I bribe him to keep this a secret from Ravyn? My son pissed all over her lavender, and I didn’t want her to hold it against him.
“You’d better potty train your son, Loki,” Killian said.
I scowled at him and led Sleipnir to the bathroom. He was potty trained. He’d just never seen a modern toilet before. I pointed at it.
“You piss and shit in that. Then, you use the toilet paper on the wall to wipe your ass. Hit that lever when you’re done, and it’ll disappear. Don’t use too much toilet paper, or you’ll clog the toilet and flood the bathroom.”
“I get it. Do you mind?”
I left Sleipnir to do his business. He was a smart lad. I would only need to tell him once. It wasn’t his fault he was new to this century.
Sleipnir was safe. Sometime in the seventies, I went to one of Odin’s book signings. We went out for a few beers afterwards and rehashed everything. We were good now. He got what he did to me and why I went after his son. He wasn’t looking for Sleipnir. The only reason I hadn’t let him out was because of the eclipse.
Odin wasn’tbad.He was mostly pretty cool. He was just scared of me. Odin sacrificed a lot for his knowledge, but even with all of it, he could never figure out what I was going to do next. If Sleipnir had just been a regular horse, he would have been spoiled rotten. Odin had a whole menagerie of animals that were all treated very well.
But Sleipnir wasn’t an ordinary horse. Yes, he loved shifting and running, but my boy also craved the company of people. So, I really didn’t want Ravyn upset with him because he pissed in her garden. Odin promised to leave him alone and even said he would apologize to my son if he ever saw him again.
The only people Sleipnir and Bjorn were in danger from now were Thorunn and Valentine. I had to believe Asfrid’s ghost was there against her will. I don’t think any god told anyone to sacrifice anything to them, but back in the day, they did it anyway. Thorunn knew that damn well. I told her multiple times.
It was annoying she never listened, and then she got this grand idea that it would impress me to sacrifice my son. All of this was some fucked up attempt to impress me. She wanted to be my wife and rule by my side. At least, that was how it started. After that, I think she just enjoyed reveling in her evilness. Some people just ended up wrong.
When I went back to the kitchen, Killian was cooking and dancing to music on his cell phone. I gave his backside a little spank. He was just so adorable in appearance but hiding so much power. Valentine was much bigger than he was, but Killian easily kicked his ass. He had to be a powerful warlock to be paired up with Ravyn as her familiar.
“I will give you whatever the fuck you want if you don’t mention that little incident in the garden to Ravyn.”
“Are you kidding? She’s going to find thathilarious.No one has pissed in her plants before. If it had been one of the potted ones inside, she’d be furious. Outside? She’s going to laugh about it.”
“At Sleipnir’s expense. He didn’t know better. Sleipnir is highly intelligent but spent his formative years as a horse. Thorunn was jealous of all the time I spent with him adapting to life on two legs. He said nothing to me, and Sleipnir would never hit a woman, but she said terrible things to him. Sleipnir ignored her because that’s just who he is, but Bjorn insulted her right back.
“Sleipnir asked Bjorn not to tell me. Those two aren’t related in the traditional sense, but they became blood brothers like Odin and me. Bjorn kept his secret until he came to me with the vision I would get caught, and Thorunn was going to fuck off and get dangerous. I owe Thorunn for every terrible thing she said to my boy, but Ireallylike Ravyn and you too. I get the whole flirting thing she’s doing with him, but I don’t want it to get ugly.”
“Oh, she wouldn’t be making fun of him, and neither am I. Back when Ravyn and Ripley were at the Academy of the Profane, this pack of rich werewolves was there. They’d tell anyone who would listen they could trace their line to the original wolf pack Selene created. Anyway, they grew up around toilets but didn’t believe in them.”
I frowned because that didn’t make any type of sense.
“A toilet isn’t Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. There are literally multiple toilets in every building and household. So how does onenotbelieve in toilets?”
I’d been alive a long time. I’d seen people believe in some crazy shit. I’d seen people whip up elaborate conspiracy theories because the truth made them uncomfortable. Conspiracy theories seemed to abound lately, and those people were so much fun to trick. So I infiltrated all their safe spaces and made up all kinds of crazy stories for shits and giggles.
I was doing a science project. Exactly how ridiculous could I get before it was unbelievable to these people? So far, the limit did not exist. I’d never once tried to make up a conspiracy theory to get people to stop using toilets. But, I couldn’t take credit for this one, and I wanted to know more.
“Okay, so this pack thought shitting and pissing in their wolf form was superior to toilets. Hell, maybe it is. I’m not exactly a werewolf to test that theory. The professors hated it when they had to leave class to go to the restroom because they had to go outside, get naked, shift, and find the right spot.
“The other wolves thought they were insane, and this particular wolf pack thought they were just low class for not pooping in nature. So anyway, students were stepping in it in the common areas. The professors hated it, and so did the board at the academy, but they didn’t tell them to stop because they didn’t want to be accused of being insensitive to shifters. So, they roped off a designated pooping area where they could shit. I’m sure plenty of the other shifters took a crap outside when they were outside enjoying their beasts, but when they were walking on two legs, they preferred indoor plumbing.”
I started laughing. I could appreciate when things got fucked up on their own, and I didn’t have a hand in it. I so needed to make that a thing. I didn’t want my son taking a shit outside, but it would be fuckinghilariousif I tricked other people into doing it.
