Page 44 of Kayden: The Past
I sighed, not knowing what else to do or say. Her trust issues were starting to wear me down and make my pull to the bottle greater. I started drinking months ago. My daily beer turned into three then I graduated back to vodka. She made me miserable, but I felt she’d never cheat on me. Her jealousy and possessiveness were so fierce I couldn’t imagine her not being totally committed to our relationship.
“I’m not going to win this argument tonight, and I don’t know how to prove it. I’m running to the store. I’ll be back and give you some time to cool off.”
She walked away, her footsteps heavy on the tile floor. Pissed off didn’t even describe her anger level at that moment. I knew when I returned, the night would be filled with screaming, possibly her throwing some things at me, but it would end the same way it always did—I’d fuck her into oblivion.
At times, I think she picked a fight with me on purpose, wanting to yell and scream, maybe needing to. Her mood swings were vicious and came out of nowhere. I learned that she was bipolar but often skipped her medication. That was the issue with a mental illness. When a person felt good, they didn’t think they needed the medicine. Then their other side came out, and it was a struggle to get them back on medication.
I allowed my drinking to grow out of control. It was the only way I could cope with her multiple personalities. It weighed heavily on our relationship at the time, but so did her disease. I found myself staying out after work a couple of months after moving in together, not wanting to face whichever Lisa I would get when I walked in the door.
I know it’s no way to stay in a relationship, but I failed so many times, I couldn’t just leave. Why do people stay in a rotten situation? I wish I had an answer why I stayed with her. She became so overbearing, and I allowed it. Danielle and Bridget had ruined my view of how a relationship should be, and as long as Lisa stuck by my side, I was in it for the long haul. Fucked-up thinking I know, but I stayed and grew more miserable over time.
I became lost in the bottle, my only friend and savior. Lisa and I fed off each other, her anger and my drinking. We couldn’t last forever in this fucked-up state of being, but I didn’t feel like I could walk out. Could I fail in love again?
Lisa had a rebellious side—one that reared its ugly head from time to time. She liked to steal, and it always made me nervous. I couldn’t afford to get caught, but she didn’t seem to have a care in the world. She said it gave her a high that she didn’t experience any other way. I understood the chase but not the risk of getting caught walking out with a pair of shoes on your feet you didn’t pay for.
Lisa made new rules: no more drinking, no going out after work, no Facebook or other social media sites, and she needed access to my email account. She could read any of my mail or access any account I had because I didn’t have anything to hide from her. The one thing I fought against in her demands was drinking. It became necessary to my sanity. I felt like a child with the rules she made, and like any normal teenager, I fought back and rebelled.
“Kayden,you big pussy! You going home to your broad or going to Greg’s?” Mike asked after I called him to ask if he had a spare part. Mike and I shared a bond. Besides working together, we both had crazy bitches at home. We shared our misery and inability to leave, but Mike had an easier time putting his in her place than I did with batshit crazy Lisa.
I didn’t want to go home and listen to her bullshit tonight. Everything that could go wrong in my day already had; why not add to it? “Prick, I’ll be there. She doesn’t rule my life. I’m my own boss.” I wanted that statement to be true. I wanted the spunky girl with the infectious laughter I’d met long ago, but that Lisa had vanished and was replaced by the controlling madwoman who was waiting at home for me. “I could use a night out with the guys.”
“Sure, you say that now. You know she has you by the balls.”
“Don’t give me your shit! Your woman has your ass on a tight leash. Don’t pretend she doesn’t,” I laughed.
“Who you fucking telling? But I have a free pass tonight. She’s out of town visiting her mother.” Why couldn’t Lisa go visit her family back in Ohio and give me some breathing room? Maybe the absence would make her heart grow fonder and smash the invisible problem she had in her head.
“Lucky motherfucker! I’ll be there after I’m done. I still have one more install, and based on the beginning of my day, it’ll be a couple of hours.” I hung up the phone and decided to give Lisa a call. I needed to give her a reason I wouldn’t be home in her expected time frame.
“Hey, baby. Just wanted to call and say hi.” I twirled the keys in my hand, feeling on edge.
“Hey. How’s work? Almost done?” she asked.
She always wanted to know when I’d be home, so she could watch me and make sure I didn’t do anything to break a rule or betray her. “It’s been shitty today. Every install has had a problem, and I still have a huge job ahead of me. I’m going to be late tonight, babe, I’m thinking after nine.” I held my breath, listening carefully for her response.
“You need to quit that fucking job. Come straight home afterward, please.” The please was bullshit. She added it to make it sound nicer, but it was a demand.
“I’ll call you when I’m on my way. Some of the guys are going out after work. I may join them for an hour.”
“What? Kayden, I told you this before. I don’t want you hanging out with those guys. Your ass better be home right after work.”
“Lisa, I’m not a child.”
“You better not go there, that’s all I’m saying.” I could hear her breathing hard and fast in the phone. She was like a dog foaming over a squirrel.
“I’ll call you later. I love you.” There was no reply but a click. Fuck it! I was a grown man, and I wanted a night out with the guys. Lisa did whatever and went wherever she wanted. A relationship should be about mutual respect, not ballbusting and control. There’d be hell to pay when I walked through the door tonight, but I needed to grow a pair and take a stand.
I walked into the bar two hours later, ready for a cold beer. “Hey, he made it,” Bill said as I entered.
“Fuck you, Bill.” I sat down, needing to unwind.
“Beer?” Greg asked holding one out to me.
“Hell yeah, perfect way to end my day.” I popped the bottle top and let the cool liquid ooze down my throat. I put Lisa out of my mind and laughed with the guys about work. That was the only issue with hanging out with people from work; they only want to talk about work. Tonight, it was fine with me. Anything was better than talking about our relationships or personal lives. Mine was in disarray.
I lost track of time and the number of drinks I consumed while bullshitting with everyone. I finally decided to leave and head home to a hopefully calmer Lisa.
Lisa found her out. She made sure that I couldn’t get into the community and essentially locked me out of my own place.
