Page 59 of Carved in Ice (Made of Steel 3)

Miles,

I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you. It didn't even feel like a choice. I honestly couldn't help falling in love with you. And a part of me has always believed it was because we were written in the stars.

That night in your tree house when you took my hand, I thought it was the best night of my life. But life is such a fleeting thing. You can have your whole life in front of you one second, and then it can be taken away in a flash. But I always had you. I needed you after my parents died and you were my one constant.

Until suddenly you weren't. For years, I felt so alone. You hurt me. So I know I hurt you too. And for that, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm sorry you couldn't find me. But it wasn't my choice. I never wanted to disappear. I never stopped wanting to be found. I never stopped needing you, Miles. That was the whole problem. I needed you more than ever and it felt like you didn't need me.

My love for you mixed with hate. I still loved you, but I fucking hated you too. I hated you for abandoning me. I hated you for forgetting about what we were. But I understand now. I'm sorry about the years apart. I'm sorry if you ever felt cut as deep as I did. And I'm sorry if your life stopped like mine.

I lived with a monster. And I became one too. I was torn between wanting you to find me and wanting you to never see what I had become. The truth is, I'm not the girl you remember. The years changed me more than you could ever know. And I don't want you to know what happened. I don't want you to dig. I don't want you to get hurt more than I've already hurt you. Summer Brooks is dead. It's important that you understand that.

But you've always seen me. You saw through my disguise right away at the diner. I had never heard anything as sweet as my name on your lips. And I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I got mixed up in something bigger than you and me.

I just need you to know that I don't forgive you. Because you never did anything wrong, so you don't need my forgiveness. And you deserve everything I could never give you. Live your life for me. Just because I don't get any more heartbeats doesn't mean your heart has to stop beating too. Live the life I couldn't.

And if a part of you still remembers me when you look at the stars, let it be the smallest part. Let it be the smallest constellation in the sky on a late night in September. And let it slowly fade away as the seasons change.

I wiped away my tears and looked up at the sky. It was a clear night, but there were no stars in the sky. New York City at its finest. I folded the letter back up and slipped it in my pocket. My situation hadn’t changed. I had wanted Miles to forget about me. He had his whole life to live. If I got what I wanted, I’d end up behind bars. I didn’t want him to be part of that.

Besides, he was moving on. I needed to stay lost. I was just about to walk away when someone stepped out of the dorm building.

I grabbed the handle before it closed and slipped inside. What am I doing? My mind was saying one thing, but my feet were guiding me on the familiar path. I had walked up these stairs so many times, but tonight felt different. It felt like I was actually saying goodbye.

I just needed to see if he was okay. Hear if he was okay. I’d put my ear to the door, hear him laughing or something, and walk away forever. Easy peasy.

I opened up the door to my old floor. It was deserted. I stopped outside of Miles’ door and was about to press my ear against it when I heard laughter. But it wasn’t Miles. It was female laughter.

“Shut up!” She laughed again. “Tell me you’re not serious?”

And it was like my hand had a mind of its own. I needed to see who Miles replaced me with so easily. I just needed to know. The sound of my knock echoed in the empty hall.

The door flung open and the same blonde I had seen him with at the beginning of the semester was standing in front of me. Her hair was in a messy bun and she was wearing workout clothes. She was tan and fit and beautiful. And I felt ridiculous all bundled up with my hat pulled low. With my dyed blonde hair. I freaking hated my hair this color.

“Um…I’ll call you back in a sec,” she said into her cell phone and then pulled it away from her ear. “Can I help you?”

“No. I mean…” I looked past her into the room. It was decorated with all her crap. Posters of pop stars and a pink rug. Not only had Miles moved on but he had removed his posters of the constellations. Just like I stopped wearing the Sagitta pendant. I was wearing it again now and it felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. “Is Miles here?” I blurted out before my brain could kick into flight mode.

“Miles?” She looked confused for a second. “Oh, Miles Young? The old R.A.? No, he doesn’t live here anymore.”

I wasn’t expecting that response. So they weren’t dating? The necklace felt a little lighter. “Did he move out or something?”

“I really have no idea. We didn’t really talk, he just trained me on the position. I think maybe he took the semester off or something.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know. Personal reasons probably. But yeah…he’s not here. Is there something I can help you with though?” She gave me a once over.

“You have no idea where he went?”

“None.” She placed her hand on her hip. “Do I know you? You look so familiar.”

“I just have one of those faces. Thanks for your help.” I glanced down the hall. All I wanted to do was go talk to Kins. But I had already made enough mistakes. Blowing my cover with her wasn’t a good idea.

“Are you sure we don’t know each other?” the blonde asked.

“Positive. Have a nice night!” I walked in the opposite direction of the stairwell. Going to my old room wouldn’t blow my cover. Kins wouldn’t be there. She was always with Patrick. And I just needed a second to calm down. I needed to process everything before I went to visit Eli. He’d know something was bothering me, and I didn’t need him to worry about anything but getting better.

My sensor pass hadn’t worked outside. But that was an easy change for them to make. A key though? I doubted they changed the locks on the doors whenever a student dropped out. There was no reason to.

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