Page 106 of The Life We Almost Had

Instead he cleared his throat, studied his shoes, before raising his head and beginning to speak quietly.

‘I’m amazed Adam asked me to be his best man. Those of you who know me will know that I can be a bit of a dick. I’m not good with words.’ He refilled his glass and took a sip. And when he spoke again it was louder. ‘The thing is, I’ve known Adam almost all of my life.I’ve listened to him bang on about all the places he wanted to go to, all the countries he wanted to visit. He used to have a cork board in his bedroom with cuttings from holiday brochures. I admit when he first told me he was giving it all up for Anna, I thought he was a bit of a—’ I cleared my throat loudly. I had warned Josh to keep it clean because of Anna’s nan. ‘A bit of an idiot.’ Josh swayed and for one horrifying second it looked like he was going to topple over but he caught his balance. I waited for the punchline with bated breath. ‘But he wasn’t… an idiot. The truth is I’ve never seen Adam look at a map the way he looks at Anna.’ A ripple of laughter Mexican-waved around the room. ‘It might seem that we don’t have much in common anymore. With him settling down and me still shagging everything that moves. Sorry… I mean… making love to. Is that better? Shit. Sorry, Anna’s Nan.’

‘It’s okay!’ Anna’s nan’s voice had warbled towards the top table. ‘I have heard of sex, you know. Done it myself once or twice.’

Josh had raised his glass while a mortified Anna covered her face with her hands. ‘But I’m still… exploring my options because I haven’t met anyone who makes me feel the way Adam feels about Anna and after seeing the two of them together, I don’t want to settle for anything less than what they have.’ He turned to me. Almost-empty glass raised. ‘Adam, I love you mate. And even if we’re heading in different directions, I’ll always have your back.’

‘And I’ll have yours.’ I stood quickly to give him a hug. His eyes were glistening too.

‘To Adam and Anna. May you have a long and happy life.’ He had raised his glass. And I recall thinking then how happy I was. I recall thinking then that I had it all.

‘Do you remember,’ Anna says now, ‘that Nell was so moved by his speech they had a snog.’

I remember, I want to tell her. But I can’t. The words are in my head but I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can’t take my wife into my arms and tell her that I thought it was impossible to love her any more than I did on our wedding day and yet, somehow, I do.

I can’t say any of it.

Chapter Sixty-Six

Anna

The suitcases are stacked by the door. I’ve double-checked our rooms to make sure nothing has been left. Grandad’s coin is now back in my purse.

‘Do you want me to come to the airport with you?’ Oliver asks.

‘No. I do want to say goodbye—’

‘Of course, we’ll—’

‘Not to you.’ I look pointedly at Adam.

‘Anna… I can’t…’

‘It’s our wedding anniversary today. Wouldn’t you want to see Clem on your anniversary?’

‘That’s not fair.’

I know it isn’t but I’m running out of options. ‘It will absolutely be the last time and then we’ll get on the plane, I promise. It’ll be my goodbye. Closure.’

‘But last time… You could have died, Anna. You weren’t in a good state when you came back.’

‘Because I wasn’t supervised. You’d be here. I need this.’

Indecision slides across Oliver’s face. I wait. I whisper.

‘Please.’

Chapter Sixty-Seven

Adam

‘Please.’ Anna trails off and I know she’ll be staring into the distance, nipping her lower lip between her teeth in that way of hers when she’s struggling to find the right words.

It’s our anniversary and I can’t move, I can’t speak. I can’t tell my wife that at the bottom of my suitcase under the clothes I’ll never unpack is a wooden box – the traditional five-year gift. It’s impossible for me to explain that inside are small rectangles of coloured paper on which I’ve written the words that best describe her. I haven’t got it right the last few anniversaries; I know somewhere along the line we stopped making an effort but I wanted to… Iwantto show her how much she means to me, still.

Always.

This year, I hoped I’d hit the nail on the head. Anna is way better at the gift stuff than me. On our first anniversary I arrived home with a bouquet of roses, a huge box of chocolates and a takeaway menu I had picked up from the new curry house on the corner. I had thought it was enough. I knew I could never match the star I had named after her for our first Valentine’s but,looking back now, I hadn’t really tried. The house was lit with flickering candles, it was like walking onto a film set. ‘Love me Tender’ was playing from the Bose. The smell of paella – always our ‘special occasion’ meal – drifted out of the kitchen. Anna hesitantly came down the stairs, smoothing her black dress over her thighs, tucking behind her ear a tendril of hair that had escaped her complicated up-do. She looked beautiful.

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