Page 58 of The Life We Almost Had

‘It’s so sad but they do. There often isn’t a reason.’

‘It’s not just the alcohol.’ I couldn’t decide whether to tell her. She waited. Her fingers linked through mine. ‘I… I kissed someone else, Nell. I thought I didn’t want Adam anymore.’

If she was shocked, she didn’t show it. ‘A kiss wouldn’t cause you to miscarry.’

‘But it feels like a punishment. The baby. The accident. The universe leaving me alone like I thought I wanted but… Nell, I wanted this baby so badly. I want Adam back. I love him so much.’

She let me cry it out until my chest was hot and my eyes so swollen I could barely see. Outside of the window, there was laughter and chatter. Two small children carrying a giant inflatable flamingo headed towards the beach.

I blew my nose. ‘When I had the results of my laparoscopy, I came to tell you but Chris let it slip you were pregnant. I was so shocked. Sad you hadn’t told me and, if I’m honest, envious. I wanted to confide in you but didn’t think you’d have understood. When you joined all those clubs with the other mums I felt so left out, it was easier to see you less. Tell you I was busy with my career but it wasn’t that. It was never that.’

‘You should have told me.’

‘I know, but I didn’t want you to feel any sort of guilt that you had achieved what I couldn’t. And… and because I was ashamed. I felt less of a woman. Less than you.’

Nell held my hand tightly, her forehead creased in sorrow, tears pooling in her eyes. ‘You must have hated me. I did nothing but complain when I was pregnant; fed up with feeling my body wasn’t mine.Bitching about the cost of babies. My lack of sleep. The last few years my entire world has revolved around the kids.’

‘As it should.’

‘And Ienviedyou.’

‘Youenviedme? Why?’

‘I haven’t slept through the night in five years. Alfie wakes at ridiculous o’clock and thinks it’s great fun to come and jump on our bed. Emily won’t be left alone for a second. I can’t remember the last time I had a poo in peace. It comes to the weekend and Chris is exhausted from all the overtime he’s put in, but he has to help out with the kids because, quite frankly, I’m not coping, and I would keep thinking lucky Anna and Adam can lie in bed in peace, go to the pub for lunch, eat a meal before it goes cold. I can’t because somebody else’s needs always come before mine. I look at Chris sometimes and think he didn’t sign up for this, and I question whether he’d rather be with someone else. Anyone else who isn’t always covered in baby sick and…’

Now Nell was crying.

‘Don’t think that. He loves you so much.’

‘I can’t help it.’ She wiped her eyes.

‘I feel the same. We’d come to yours and I’d see Adam on the floor, playing with Alfie and Emily, and Adam would smile at you and I’d think is he wishing he’d ended up with you instead of me? That he picked the wrong girl that day on the beach.’

‘You must never think that. I’ve never seen anyone more right for each other than you two. Who did you kiss?’

‘My boss, Ross. Just once. I’ve been an idiot but I’ve lost a part of myself since I got married. Ross gave me a chance of reinvention. Adam knows me so well. Too well. He knows what I really want and… it’s been hard, you know?Watching him with your kids. He would have been an amazing dad.’

‘Hewillbe an amazing dad.’

‘One day.’ I touched the wooden table for luck. ‘I’m so sorry we’ve drifted apart, Nell. I had no idea you weren’t happy either.’

‘The grass is greener and all that bollocks.’ Her eyes were red-rimmed, the same as mine must be. ‘I’ve missed you.’

‘I’ve missed you too.’ I opened my arms and we hugged for the longest time.

Later, Nell headed out in search of food, returning with plates piled high with egg and chips. ‘All that sharing has made me hungry. Though you could use some carbs and protein.’

After a few mouthfuls I put down my knife and fork but she encouraged me to keep eating, placing some egg onto my fork.

‘I might have to do this in the future,’ I said quietly.

‘What?’

‘Feed Adam, if he… if he wakes up and he isn’t the same.’

‘Don’t think like that. Bloody doctors always have to prepare you for the worst.’

Dejectedly, I pushed my plate away. Nell slid it back in front of me.

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