Page 90 of The Life We Almost Had

It pains Oliver to say it. ‘I’ll have to send them both home.’

Chapter Forty-Nine

Anna

‘No.’ I can’t believe what I am hearing. ‘I told you that I don’t want you connecting to Adam yet, Oliver. I won’t give you my consent.’

‘Anna, after yesterday, I can’t let you try this again.’

‘I’m fine. It was a shock coming back without hearing you count down but I’m okay. The headaches aren’t getting any worse.’ They are but I’m not going to tell him.

‘I don’t believe you. You keep holding your head. Something is wrong.’

‘Other than my husband only having a 3 per cent chance of survival?’ I struggle to gain my composure. ‘Look. This means so much to me, Oliver. More than you know.’ Adam and I can have the relationship I always wanted, a three, not a two. Open and honest. Sharing our feelings. I won’t back down. ‘Youoweme. If I hadn’t come here, you’d still be congratulating yourself for having designed something on paper that you had no idea would work in the real world.’

‘It’s a bit more technical than that—’

‘I don’tcareabout the technicalities. The design process. All of your facts and figures.Icareabout my husband.’ I lower my voice. ‘I need to be with him.’

‘I… I’m not sure you are actually with him.’ Oliver pushes his glasses up once more. ‘What you’re seeing, describing is…’ He rubs at his beard while I wait, wishing he’d hurry up. Wanting to shake the words out of him. ‘It’s possible that it’s not… not Adam’s consciousness but your own projections. The things—’

‘Everything I have told you is true.’

‘But I haven’t been able to see them for myself.’

‘Iknowthat.’ He’s not telling me anything new. ‘That’s why I remembereverythingand tell youeverything.’ My hands stray to my stomach. ‘I’ve held nothing back.’

‘Anna, the thing is, without being able to record where the images you describe are coming from, there’s no guarantee they are from Adam. You share the same life, you want the same things.’ Oliver studies me while I process this. ‘The only way to tell if it’s working is for somebody else—’

‘Absolutely not.’ I shake my head furiously. ‘No one else is delving around inside my husband’s mind. The things I’m seeing, feeling, they’re Adam’s thoughts. I know they are.’

Oliver leans back. Nudges his glasses, which are slipping down his nose again. I want to rip them off his worried face and smash them. I take a breath. Force myself to calm down.

‘Itisworking.’ I am fighting back tears. ‘I won’t give you permission to connect to him yet.’

‘Anna…’

‘If you want to carry on, you’ll have to use me again.’ I know he doesn’t want to give up. ‘It’s not like you have anyone else if I take Adam away, is it?’

There’s a pause. Another nervous rub of his beard. ‘I told you there would be numerous participants;we can’t base our findings purely on Adam.’

‘But…’ I feel sick with panic. ‘You don’t have anyone else yet, do you?’

‘Not yet, no. But you need to be aware it’s something we’re working towards. You being here, doing this, it isn’t a long-term plan, Anna. You knew this.’

‘But…’ I glance at Sofia; she can’t meet my eye.

‘I’ve always said that after we’ve collected the results that we need, I’d cover the costs of flying you home, pay for Adam to be assessed by a private doctor in the UK.’

‘Fine.’ Anger has dried my tears. ‘Do you want us to leave now or do you want to carry on and let me try one more time?’ My heart thuds. I call his bluff.

It works.

Soon, my fingers are laced through Adam’s. Oliver begins counting backwards. I’m not as tense as the first couple of times, expecting again to effortlessly slip back into my life, into my home. I feel myself falling, falling and I wait.

Instead of the slight dizziness and disorientation I felt before as Oliver reaches the count of one, pain rips through me.

Pain like I’ve never experienced before.

---