Page 35 of The Life We Almost Had

Thinking of Adam, I stood. I was lost, lonely, desperately unhappy, but lying to my husband was a new low.

‘I should go.’ I meant it this time.

‘Can I drop you home?’ he asked.

‘Please.’ I directed him, not to my house but to the neighbouring street, asking myself why, if it were nothing more than a friendly drink, I didn’t let Ross drop me home. But I knew why.

As I unclipped my seatbelt, he leaned across and cupped my face in his hands.

‘Anna.’

He kissed me.

And I let him.

Adam was sprawled on the sofa, ‘How was it?’

‘What?’

‘The staff meeting?’

‘Oh, that.’ I was caught in my web of deceit. Unsure what to say but he had turned his attention back to the TV. I curled up on the armchair, watching my phone screen illuminate as Ross texted me over and over.

I’m sorry.

I’m not sorry.

I shouldn’t have kissed you.

I had to kiss you.

I want you.

I think I’m falling in love with you.

Do you want me?

It was the last one that threw me into a tailspin. Did I want him? Or was it that I didn’t want this – my eyes flickered to Adam. He was fixated on the screen.

My mind strayed to Ross. His hands. His laugh. His lips. He wasn’t my boy from the bar. He would be different.

But it might be better.

In the kitchen, while I waited for the kettle to boil, I splashed cold water onto my face, which was burning with the shame of my illicit kiss. The fact that I had wanted it. The fact that I had enjoyed it, entwining my fingers in his hair as I returned his kiss.

Back in the lounge, Adam held out my phone. ‘You got a text.’

I snatched it from him, studying his face for signs he had read it, shoving my handset into my pocket like a dirty secret I was trying to hide.

Do you want me?Ross had asked.

Later, in bed, I was still examining the questions from all angles when Adam reached across to me. My entire body immediately tensed.

He pressed his lips against mine but all I felt was Ross’s lips. His hands caressed my back but all I felt were Ross’s hands.

‘I’m not in the mood, sorry.’ I gently pushed Adam away. He muttered under his breath. I couldn’t make out his words but I probably deserved them. The truth was I didn’t want Adam unless I knew I was ovulating and even then it lacked any passion. Sex now a task to be checked off from a never-ending list of mundane things to do.

Empty the dishwasher – tick.

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