Page 64 of From Now On

All The Things You Are.

Brave.

‘Can I… Can I say something?’ He looks to Charlie who nods. Duke doesn’t stand. He doesn’t speak. He feels Evie squeeze his hand, whisper, ‘You’ve totally got this.’ He takes a gulp of water before he can force out the first few words. ‘Mum and Dad taught me a lot,’ and once he’s started it gets easier. ‘Not fractions or German or anything because now I’m at school I know I’m rubbish at all that but they taught me the most important thing of all. Music. If I think about us playing now I feel happy and sad but… just thank you for the music.’ Someone laughs at this but Duke isn’t sure why.

Afterwards it is Nina who speaks. ‘I never got to say goodbye and so I want to play a song for them now. The first time I heard a clarinet it was on “Stranger on the Shore” and Dad later taught me it.’ She plays it now. Duke closes his eyes and tries to pretend he is at home, in the music room, with Mum and Dad listening, but the wind on his face reminds him that he is outside and that they are not here.

Afterwards, Charlie takes his guitar and performs ‘There Will Never Be Another You’. He has a good voice. ‘Do you want to play something?’ Charlie asks Duke when he’s finished.

No.

No.

No.

Just the thought of playing makes Duke’s tummy feel as though there’s one of the dandelion clocks in there that Mum used to get him to blow to tell the time, its fruits scattering in all directions. Frantically whizzing around.

He knows what time it is now. Time to run away but his feet are stuck to the grass.

‘Duke? Shall we do a song together?’

Charlie looks at him with such hope. Duke really doesn’t want that look to morph into disappointment.

‘Umm. Yeah. I can try.’

They confer, the three of them, settling on ‘Summertime’. Not feeling strong enough to play anything with real meaning.

Duke is shaking, his fingers, his hands, his knees. Their music is out of time, out of tune. Jamming together used to come so effortlessly for him and Nina but now it’s strained. Forced. Duke comes in a fraction of a second too late, Nina early. Duke wonders whether it’s because they are out of sync as a family that’s throwing them off. ‘You’re an old soul,’ he can almost hear Mum say; ‘you always think so deeply.’ This relaxes him a little but not enough to salvage the song. His throat closes and he has to stop playing and they are not even halfway through. He lowers his sax and his head and waits for Charlie and Nina to finish. When they do there is a smattering of applause they don’t deserve. Nina begins to dismantle her clarinet, Charlie packs his guitar back into his case while Duke stands sadly watching them.

‘Don’t worry. It looks really hard to play,’ Evie says. ‘Can I have a go?’ He hands his sax over, and watches while she places her lips around the reed and blows.Despite his sadness, he laughs when she can’t squeeze out a note.

The afternoon drifts by and when the air begins to chill everyone swaps goodbyes. Nina hugs Maeve and then she actually allows Aunt Violet to hold her but only for a moment before she wriggles free. Aunt Violet turns to Duke and he thrusts his hand out quickly, offering a handshake, and everyone laughs. Maeve holds her palm up and Duke high-fives her.

He picks up Billie’s lead from the grass and she looks at him, a worried tilt to her head, but when Duke loops the lead around his shoulders rather than fixing it to her collar she lets her mouth droop open, her tongue lolling out as though she is laughing.

He begins a slow walk, throwing a glance over his shoulder to see if the others are following. Charlie and Pippa are flapping grass off the picnic blanket before they begin to fold it. Nina is sharing a hug with Maeve’s dad – Mr Kelly. Duke watches as she turns her face into his neck and Duke wonders if he smells the same as Dad did and he feels a hard sweep of longing. He crouches to pat Billie to stop himself from running over to Mr Kelly too and demanding a hug. He thinks how lucky Nina is to have a substitute dad almost. No wonder she doesn’t want to let him go.

Duke has Charlie and Pippa and Aunt Violet but that’s not many people in his life, although there’s Evie, he supposes, and she’s as good as ten friends. Billie licks his hand –don’t forget me– and together they walk down the hill, towards the house that, while still a home, is missing its heart.

Billie darts off to sniff rabbit holes, bushes, pieces of litter and Duke dawdles. The others catch up with him and they walk silently together. There’s an odd almost-smile on Nina’s face and Duke doesn’t understand what she has to be happy about, today of all days.

Once they’re inside, Nina pelts up the stairs. Duke shrugs off his coat and Pippa takes it from him and hangs it on the peg. He’s about to tell Charlie and Pippa how sad he feels and ask them if they want to play a game but then Pippa says ‘I’m going to head off, Charlie. I’ve got a headache.’

‘I’ll walk you home,’ Charlie says like she lives a million miles away and not literally next door but then, if she isn’t feeling well, he supposes Charlie is just being kind.

They leave and Duke is left in the hallway.

Alone.

He trudges up the stairs. Nina’s door is ajar. Perhaps she’ll want to play a game with him. He peers through the crack. When he sees what she is doing he is horrified.

Horrified.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Nina

Nina is practising kissing on her hand, in front of her mirror. She supposes she should feel sad after the memorial but she doesn’t.

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