Page 31 of Brutal Knight

But am I better than I was before?

“Maybe I am.” I shrug. My shoulders feel as tight as my voice sounds. “I don’t know if it’ll last.”

“You still want to use?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

I dig my fingers into the sheets. I know what Rose thinks, what Connor thinks. What everyone thinks. This isn’t about the medication.

It’s about the fact that I might have to go through the same thing I did with Dmitri, all over again.

Rose shrugs. “Then, what did you mean? Connor’s been—”

“He’s an O’Reilly,” I interrupt her. “They hate me.”

“Did he say that?”

“What? No. But you know what I did.”

Rose nods slowly. There’s a faint smile on her lips, like she’s remembering something. “You know, Aiden once hated me. And I hated him too.”

I don’t believe it. Not really. I saw the way they looked at each other before they were married. There’s no way they hated each other. Not truly. Aiden couldn’t stop staring at Rose, and she seemed to blush whenever she saw him.

“Things can change,” Rose says. “I know you screwed them over, but you helped them too.”

I don’t know what to say to that.

Maybe it’s true that I tried to help, but I don’t feel like it matters. Not when things ended so badly. I don’t feel like I did any good when Rose ended up kidnapped and the family was almost destroyed.

I’m sure they don’t feel that way, either. I know the way the mafia works. I know what my father’s done to people that did what I did.

There’s no way they like me. There’s no way they want me around. In their ideal world, I’d probably die as soon as the marriage certificate is signed. I’m almost surprised they haven’t rushed to get one. It would secure the Ravens for them, and then they’d be able to get rid of me for good. Ensure nothing could ever happen again.

Maybe it’s all part of their mask. Maybe they want to keep seeming like a nice family, like people that would never be what Dmitri was.

But I know appearances aren’t everything. All you can trust is what happens from one moment to another.

“Listen. I want to start over,” Rose says, stepping away from the dresser and toward me. “And I think you should give Connor a chance too. He’s a good guy.”

“Good?” I let out a puff of air, an almost-laugh of irony. I can’t imagine a good guy in the mafia. Especially not with my experience.

Rose nods. “All of them are good, or as good as they can be. They have honor. You know?”

I don’t really know. I’ve only ever known Dmitri and his men, or the family I came from. My father and his men. They were all the same, all terrible. They made my life hell.

I can’t imagine the O’Reilly men are good. They might not be the worst, but I don’t know if they can be good. I’m not sure it’s possible.

And honor is just another word that men use to excuse what they do. Dmitri married me for his family’s honor too. That didn’t stop him from abusing me, from making my life hell. Honor is just like morality. People pick and choose what it means to them.

So how can I be sure that the O’Reilly version of honor is going to mean treating me like I’m human?

“I don’t know,” I say quietly.

“Well, just give it a try. You might be surprised.”

I shrug. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel the way Rose does about the O’Reilly men. I don’t know that I’ll ever be as happy as she is, much less as optimistic.

I can’t see a way out of the life I was sold into.

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