Page 12 of Fighting Temptation (Men of Honor 1)
“Say something…” I choke out softly. He quickly stands up, my voice snapping him out of his shock.
“Shit, shit, shit. What the fuck am I doing? Shit,” he mutters while frantically pacing.
Ok, not exactly what I wanted to hear. Feeling cold and completely exposed now I quickly put my bra and shirt back into place. I sit with my arms wrapped around my knees waiting for him to start talking to me instead of himself.
Finally after what seems like forever, but in actuality was probably only a few minutes, he turns to me with an expression full of regret. Ouch!
“Jules I’m so goddamn sorry, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I got carried away.” I stare at him in complete astonishment.
“Really Jaxson? That’s what you have to say about what just happened? What exactly are you sorry for?” I feel my blood start to heat back up but for a whole different reason than it was 10 minutes ago.
“What we just did Jules, it shouldn’t have happened,” he drops his head to his hands, “Fuck I can’t believe I did this.”
“Well you know what Jaxson? I think what just happened was pretty amazing and I’m not sorry. Do you not recall it was me who kissed you first?”
“Listen Julia, our emotions are all over the place right now. I should have stopped…”
“…Do you really think I just told you I loved you because my emotions are all over the place? Seriously!?” He’s looking unsure now, seeing how angry I am.
He’s still shirtless and I hate myself for thinking how sexy he looks right now. He takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair. “Julia I know you care about me…”
“No Jaxson I told you I love you, there’s a big difference!”
“You don’t love me Julia. My leaving is screwing with our heads.”
That’s the final straw for me: “Don’t you dare tell me, Jaxson, what I feel. If you think I said ‘I love you’ just because you had your fingers inside me, well, think again mister! Clearly you don’t know me as well as I thought you did.” My heart breaks and I realize that it’s true- he should know me better than to think I would just spout those words and not mean them.
“Damn it Julia, listen, you may think that you love me… “
“Don’t fucking patronize me!” I can tell my screaming and choice of language has surprised him. “UGH!” I start packing up the blanket, realizing this was a mistake, “I’ve been in love with you since I was 17 years old but I’ve kept it to myself because I didn’t want to mess up our friendship.” I turn to him: “Are you really that disgusted with me Jaxson?”
I can tell my question pisses him off, “Watch it Julia, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“Oh really, I don’t? Then tell me why you have screwed almost every girl in this town and act like it’s no big deal but then you touch me and you have so much regret and disgust on your face it looks like it might kill you?” I know the pain I’m feeling has crept into my voice now.
“I do not feel disgust! You’re different than everyone else!”
“Ya, I got that I’m different,” I choke out.
I turn and start walking away when he charges after me grabbing my arm, he spins me around to face him, “Oh for fuck-sakes! I didn’t mean it like that! This is about me Julia, not you. I’m too fucked up to love you,” he says brokenly, “why tell me now, huh? Why the fuck would you tell me the night before I have to leave?”
I try to swallow past the lump in my throat, “Because I didn’t know if or when I would ever see you again and I knew I’d always regret it if something happened to you and you never knew how much I loved you.” I’m too tired to stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. There’s so much pain in his eyes after I say this that I cry harder.
“I’m sorry Jul…”
I rip my arm out of his grasp, “Jaxson if you say ‘sorry’ one more time I swear to God I’m going to hit you!” I sigh frustrated, “whatever, I just wanna go home.”
I turn and start walking to the car with the blanket under my arm. I hear him swear and shuffle around grabbing his shirt, then he’s following behind me.
I stare out my window while we ride home in silence. So many feelings consume me: hurt, anger and, most of all, fear. I’m so scared that we won’t be able to fix this and I’ll lose him forever.
We pull up to my house and both get out of the car. Before I can think of what to say, he says: “Remember Julia if you need anything, go to Cooper.”
I stare at him, trying to see what he’s feeling but his eyes are cold and distant, he’s completely closed himself off to me. I can’t believe after everything we’ve been through together that’s all he’s going to say. I shake my head sadly, “I don’t need a damn babysitter, I can take care of myself. Goodbye Jaxson.”
At that I turn and run into the house before I completely lose myself in front of him. As soon as I close the door behind me, I fall against it and shatter, knowing I just lost the one person that will hold my heart forever.
I watch the one person that means the most to me in the entire fucking world run out of my life. And I don’t stop her, because I know in the end it’s for the best.
“Jesus, what the fuck just happened?” You lost control and fucked up, that’s what happened.
I can’t believe I fucking did this. I run my hand through my hair in frustration and get a trace of her scent from my fingers. The memory of her tight hot pussy contracting around my fingers will haunt me for the rest of my life.
