Page 5 of Until Beckett

“Oh Corey, you’ll need that more than me. We all know that you’re taking time off from Manderino’s at the moment,” she replied, lifting the partition up and walking around the counter until she reached me. “I wish I could have given it to you for free,” she uttered back.” I have given you a discount though.” She nodded before tapping my hand. “Please, let me do this. If not for me then for her. Get the little one something else on me.”

“Thanks Mrs. Easterlin.” I glanced up at the ceiling just as Mila started to fidget and her wind increased again. “I really need to get her back,” I replied back. “I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize. Just don’t be a stranger,” she replied as I took the change from her and quickly rushed outside just as the smell, I was hoping to avoid hit my nose and the tears from my little princess met my eyes. I was broken. I should never have let us get into this position.

“I’m so sorry, princess.” I let the first tear fall as I realized I’d forgotten the changing bag. “Daddy needs to learn so much. We’ll be home in a few minutes,” I replied as I started to push the stroller at a brisk pace, every second counted, after all this was all my fault.

If only I’d thought beforehand…

If only I’d grown some balls and woken Beckett up…

* * *

“I know, I know…”I said the moment we reached the house and I quickly started unstrapping Mila from the stroller. I couldn’t hold back the groaned tone as I held Mila in my hands and scrunched up my face. “Oh princess, I’m so sorry I wasn’t quick enough. Let’s get you inside and all cleaned up.”

I reached under the stroller, grabbing the packet of diapers and finally managed to open the door, noticing Beckett heading my way because he’d probably heard my struggles to enter the house with Mila in tow. I don’t know why but I still hadn’t managed the multi-tasking part that’s needed with having a baby. Beckett made it seem easy.

“I wondered where you were…” he began before sniffing and double looking at my scrunched-up face and Mila’s tear stained one. “I’ll go and get the bath ready for her.”

“Thanks man,” I uttered knowing my voice was close to breaking. “I really appreciate that.”

“You know I’ll do anything for the two of you,” he replied, giving me a small smile before heading off toward the bathroom. “I’ll grab her some spare clothes too,” he shouted back from the bathroom. I heard the water running a few seconds later as he shouted again. “Just bring the diapers with you, Corey.”

I glanced at the little bundle in my arms and sighed before reaching for her changing mat and laid it down on the floor, before realizing I’d need a towel to keep her warm. I grabbed the towel from the clean laundry pile and sighed, thanking the fact Beckett had actually thought to put a load of washing on.

“I don’t know what I’d do without him, princess.” I spoke softly to her as I began unbuttoning her vest. “I really don’t. I don't dare to think about him not being here—with you or me.” I gulped harshly. “What am I going to do?” I asked her knowing she couldn’t answer me back but deep down her opinion mattered so much to me as I took the vest off and thought where I was going to put it without destroying the floor or where her little hands could reach it. “I’m not very good at all this.” I chuckled.“I’m so lost and—”

“Corey, the bath is ready for Mila. Are you nearly ready?” Beckett shouted from the bathroom as I heard the water being turned off. It seemed that when I didn’t answer him—I was still trying to remove the rest of Mila’s clothes without destroying the furnishings in the house or let Mila have fun turning her clothes into a painting—Beckett decided to come and find me, his footsteps edging closer as he finally understood my predicament as I’d forgotten a bag to place all the dirty items in. “Pass me all the dirty clothes and I’ll sort them out.” He replied as he watched the mess, I’d somehow gotten myself into. I’m sure if it had been anyone else, he’d be laughing at their misfortune; I’d probably be laughing at myself too but at this moment my emotions were on the edge of exploding and free-falling. It’s just been one of those days that had pushed me to the edge. “Go on…”

“B-but—” I stumbled on my words. “You could bathe her and I could…”

“Corey, the temperature is fine,” he began as I reached out and placed my palm on his forearm trying to calm my erratic heartbeat as I gazed up into his eyes. “It’s the perfect depth. Just support her head. I’m just going to prepare her bottle and then I’ll come and help.” I nodded at him, unable to say anything back, but my mind was screaming with the fear of something happening to her. That I’ll do something to hurt her even though I never intended to. She was my everything. “Corey, trust me. I’ll be less than five minutes and then she can have a bottle and then go down for her nap. She looks exhausted.”

I glanced down at Mila just as her tears and cries filled the room again. I don’t know how Beckett could read my little girl's thoughts and needs better than I could. How was that even possible as I thought about what he’d just said to me.

A lot can happen in five minutes. A whole life can change in that period of time. Just look at me…

* * *

Beckett was right.I never expected him to be wrong though.

I was a fraud. He knew exactly what Mila needed and when. I knew nothing.

I walked back into the living room and noticed Beckett had taken the stroller apart and was hard at work cleaning and sterilizing the inside of it.

I couldn’t take it anymore today. I just let the sobbed roar take over and the tears flow, making Beckett stop instantly, halt in his tracks and put down the cloth he was using and remove his gloves.

“Corey…” Beckett glanced up at me, his brow pulling together in concern. “Come on lets go and sit down.”

“I—I…” I choked out as I pushed myself to sit down and dropped my head into my hands. The space next to me dipped as Beckett took a seat next to me and my breath hitched when he put his hand on my back and started to rub circles to try and calm me down. I tried to settle my breathing by taking slow breaths in and out, counting with each breath as I went but I couldn’t seem to settle the overwhelming pressure that had overtaken my body. “Beckett, I just keep fucking up,” I forced out. “H—how can I ever be all Mila needs?”

“Corey, you’re learning along the way. Day by day. One by one, all Mila’s needs at a time. It’s not like there’s a ‘how to guide’ on raising a child or a baby for that matter.” Beckett leaned in, his hot breath coating against my face and making me shiver. I reached out to steady myself and my hand brushed over his arm before settling on his knee. I knew I should have moved it away but at this moment it seemed to be grounding me. I just hoped Beckett didn’t push me away. “Mila is a baby. All you have to do is watch her and her little cues. You can’t know everything already as well as grieve like you need to.” Beckett covered my hand that rested over his knee giving it a squeeze in support. “You’re a great dad, Corey.” He continued. “I won’t let you fail.”

“You won’t?” I asked in clarification. “You can’t guarantee that, Beckett.”

“I can and I will,” Beckett implored, patting my hand. “I know how amazing you are as a person. I know that you will do everything for that little girl just like you do for me. All you have to do is love her and the rest will fall into place.”

I nodded back at him as my mouth parted with a silent exhale of breath.

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