Page 65 of Ablaze

I’ve been here the whole time . . . but it doesn’t matter because I’ve never been enough.

Jason’s question from last week circles inside my head.

“Do you have everything you want here?”

Chapter Twenty

DEAN

Me: What can break without being held?

Sitting in my car, I wait for her response. The lights in her room are off, so she’s either sleeping or in another room not facing her parking lot.

It’s not often I make my way over to her place this late uninvited, especially given her schedule, but it’s not often that I have to tell her what I’m ready to, either.

It’s not often that the universe seems to be on my side, clearing all the hurdles that held me back until now–self-created or otherwise.

I tap my steering wheel at the same fast beat as my heart, recalling my quick conversation on the phone with Grams a week ago at the grocery store, when I told her I was ready.

Truth be told, I’ve been ready since the day I broke up with Jessie, but A) I wanted to be respectful of the time we were together, even if it was on and off, and B) I wanted to be sure that when I told Mala, she didn’t think of herself as some sort of rebound. Maybe I was overthinking it, but I wanted to get it right, given how much I’ve gotten wrong over the past eight years.

My mind shifts to the first day we met–the fire that Rohan has no idea about to this day. I still remember the thud my heart made inside my chest when my eyes found her that day, as if it was trying to tell me something. As if it wanted me to stop in my tracks and recognize who I was looking at.

The girl who’d change my whole fucking life.

My conversation with Rohan a couple of days ago at the station floats back to the surface as I wait a little longer for Mala’s response to my text.

His arms were folded as he leaned against our gym door, assessing me as if he was seeing me for the first time while my admission lay between us, alive and breathing. He was still wearing his gear from the call he’d just finished when I told him I wanted to chat with him.

At first, his jaw clenched, and I thought he’d pummel me to the ground–his sharpened gaze and flaring nostrils certainly said as much. But the more we stared at each other–me not taking back the fact that I was in love with his sister, and that I wanted him to hear it from me first out of respect for him–the more he seemed to ease up.

“You love her?”

I put my hands inside my pockets and lifted my chin. “I do.”

Rohan kept his gaze on me, almost unblinking. “And you want to be with her?”

I nodded. “More than anything.”

He shifted, standing up straighter. “What about,” he cleared his throat, “your reasons for not wanting to be with someone long-term?”

I should have known that even though I’ve never voiced my fears aloud to anyone besides Jane, Rohan would be smart enough to put two and two together.

“I won’t tell you they’ve magically disappeared. They're still there, and I still worry about putting someone through the kind of pain Zander put Jane through one day, but . . .” I shrug, “I’ve let fear run my life for more than a decade. I’ve purposely refused myself the chance to be with the one girl who knows me inside out and cares about me still. The girl who’s been by my side longer than anyone else, and who has picked me up time and time again. A girl I’ve been crazy about since the moment I met her.” I paused, blinking away Mala’s beautiful face for a moment to focus on Rohan. “It’s time to let hope run the rest of my life.”

Rohan glared at me for another moment, and I was sure he’d boom out his disagreement, start foaming at the mouth, God knows what.

But before I could even process what was happening, his entire face transformed. A laugh cracked his irate facade, and he came charging at me, wrapping his arms around me. “Dude, you’re a fucking idiot!”

My brows knit, but my stomach untwisted as I tried once again to figure out what the hell was happening. Was he fucking with me the whole time? “What?”

Rohan shoved me back, smiling. “You think I didn’t know you were in love with my sister? Dude, not everyone is as big of a moron as you. I’ve known for years. I was just waiting to see when you’d get your head out of your ass.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded. “You didn’t say anything.”

He scoffed, “Why the fuck would I? It wasn’t my place or my realization to come to terms with. You don’t think I see the way you look at her? The way she looks at you?” He shook his head. “Jesus. Neither of you are that good of an actor.”

“Does she . . . ?” I swallowed, my heart galloping inside my chest. “Do you know if she . . .” Fuck! I couldn’t even get the words out.

---