Page 69 of Closer than Ever

“What about you?” Anna asked. Anna had no idea if Hayley had ever even come out. “How did it go?”

“Not great, initially. My mum was more supportive than my dad. He came around after a while.”

“That’s good.”

“He wants me to marry a man, though. He’s holding out for it.”

“Ah.”

Hayley took off her sunglasses. She sat up and crossed her legs. She faced Anna squarely, resting her hands on her knees. “When did you know?”

“When did I know what?”

“That you were into women?”

Anna blinked. How could Hayley seriously be asking her this? Wasn’t it obvious? Anna was tongue tied. “When did I know I was a lesbian?”

Hayley pressed her lips together and nodded.

Anna looked away, emotion taking over her. “Hayley, you know when.”

“No. I don’t.”

Anna was confused. How could she not know?

“It’s okay if you’d rather not say.”

Part of her was compelled to tell Hayley everything. Maybe it would be good to get this out there finally. Cathartic, even. If Hayley wasn’t sure and she wanted to know so bad, why should Anna hide it? “It was when we were at university together.”

Hayley inhaled, and furrowed her brow, absorbing the information.

The truth wanted to be said. Anna couldn’t fight it. “When I realised I had a crush on you.”

Hayley looked down at the sand and didn’t meet her eyes.

“I’d had crushes on a couple of girls before, but I’d never pieced it together until you. You were the first person I felt the butterflies with, so to speak. I liked you so much, in a way that I’d never felt with any guy, that it became obvious I was only attracted to girls.”

Hayley was quiet. Was she not even going to say anything? Anna had planned never to tell Hayley any of this. Now that it was out there she felt vulnerable and exposed rather than better. At least she hadn’t told Hayley the worst of it, that Hayley was more than just a crush, that she’d been in love with her, that Hayley was her first love and that it nearly destroyed her when they drifted apart. There was no way she was ever going to tell her that. No way.

“I wondered if it was me. But you never said, so I couldn’t be sure.”

“Would it have made any difference?”

Hayley’s eyes were kind, but she didn’t reply. Instead, she just sat there, looking off to the side, running her fingers through the sand – picking it up and letting it slide through her fingers. If they weren’t having such a difficult conversation, Anna would have found it therapeutic.

“I’m glad we’re talking about this,” Hayley said, meeting Anna’s eyes.

“When did you know you were bi?” Anna held her breath.

Hayley looked down at her feet then out to the water. She swallowed. “Anna.” Hayley found her eyes and held them. “I knew because of you. I had feelings for you. I realised that it was more than friendship towards the end of my time here. I liked you. All I wanted to do was kiss you. But it was confusing. You were my friend. We were so close. I didn’t know how you felt. And I had to go home. And when we had sex, it blew my mind. I’d never experienced anything like it. To be honest, I never have since.”

Anna was stunned into silence. Her heart was pounding. Hayley knew because of her? Hayley had felt that way?

What the fuck?

Hayley continued. “I struggled with my sexuality when I went home. Along with missing you. It took me a while to understand myself fully. But I do now.”

“I’m glad you got to that place.” Anna heard herself say the words, still struggling to compute. Hayley saying she had had feelings for her was like a dream come true. Anna’s younger self would have been jumping for joy right now. Part of Anna was, even now. Knowing that Hayley had missed her too, after she’d gone home, brought so much comfort. Anna smiled, feeling better now that she knew more of the puzzle, but she was still confused. What did this mean?

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