Page 110 of Closer than Ever

“I am not your plaything, despite what you may think.”

“I thought that was our whole dynamic?”

Anna shook her head, secretly loving the exchange, unable to prevent a little smile from escaping her lips. It was times like these when Hayley was so flirty that Anna got the feeling that her unrequited love might not be so unrequited after all. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Her little heart could only dream. And dream it did. Maybe it wasn’t all in her head? There was just something about the way Hayley was behaving lately that got her thinking she might like her back.

Hayley moved a few paces away from the water and sat down on a rock. She patted the small remaining space beside her. “Will you sit next to me?”

Anna looked from the small space back to Hayley and back again. The hairs on the back of her neck prickled. Her hesitation was more to do with the nervous excitement at the prospect of sitting so closely. Outside their platonic sleepovers, such contact during the day was less frequent, although to be fair, Hayley was more tactile with her than she was with anyone else.

Hayley eyed her closely. “I’m sorry there’s nowhere else to sit. I should have brought my blanket or something.”

“No. It’s fine.”

As Anna sat down, the side of her body brushed against Hayley’s and her whole body tingled. Squeezed together on the tiny rock, Anna struggled to get her heart rate under control. Hayley smelled so good. She focused on her surroundings and took a deep breath. The water was so still, unlike the turmoil inside her. The views down the loch really were stunning. Hills criss-crossed down the water into the distance.

“I love it here,” Hayley said, softly.

“Me too.”

“I wish we could travel around. Just you and me. It would be amazing. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s make a list right now of all the places we want to go together in Scotland.”

“We don’t have enough time. You’re leaving soon, remember?”

“I’ll come back one day to visit, and we can do it then. It’ll be awesome.”

The idea of Hayley going away and only seeing her through short visits instead of all the time was just too sad. Anna pushed that thought aside and chose to indulge in the fantasy instead. She took off her rucksack and got out a bit of paper and a pen. “Okay. Let’s dream.”

Hayley put her arm around Anna’s shoulders and snuggled in close. “That’s the spirit.”

There was such a warmth between them. It spread all over Anna’s body and settled in her heart. At least they would always have this moment. She would cherish it forever. She smiled, feeling content, despite all the inner turmoil she was perpetually going through these days. “Right, my wanderer. Where do you want to go?”

Hayley turned her head towards her. Her lips were dangerously close to her cheek. “I want to go everywhere with you.”

***

Present day

Anna sat at her parents’ kitchen table, staring at a gorgeous photograph of a loch somewhere up north in the travel section of their newspaper. It put her in mind of the loch she and Hayley had visited years ago where they’d taken a photo after they’d made the list.

She couldn’t get Hayley out of her mind. Not even when spending time with her parents, who she loved so much. Her mum was gardening. It was sunny today. Her dad had his back to her at the cooker. He was cooking a fry-up. The hot oil spat and sizzled in the various frying pans he had on the go. Anna knew exactly what her dad was putting into the fry-up because his recipe hadn’t changed in forever: square sausage, black pudding, haggis, eggs, potato scones, mushrooms, tomatoes, and baked beans. Copious amounts of toast and butter would be added. The ‘full Scottish’, as he liked to say.

She ran her thumb over the picture, as if it were indeed the same loch they’d visited that time. She’d been so in love with Hayley that day. It was one of her happiest memories of them together which was why she loved having the picture in her living room.

Hayley was still in Europe, and Anna didn’t know what was going on any more. They were messaging every now and then. Each message was the highlight of Anna’s day. They were keeping things light. Anna appreciated that. Because pushing Hayley away had achieved nothing except self-induced heartbreak. While Anna missed the sound of Hayley’s voice, she wasn’t ready for a full-blown conversation as it would undoubtedly lead to things Anna didn’t have an answer for.

Anna was growing less sure by the day why she was punishing them both because their love didn’t fit with her strict vision for her future. Could Anna let her over-cautious head decide something of such significance? Or did she have what it took to have a real relationship with Hayley?

Anna hadn’t said much last night around her parents. They’d watched a film together and then she had sat up late with her dad watching the Saturday football highlights. Thankfully, they weren’t pressing her on her one-word answers. Her head and her heart were at war making small talk near impossible. She loved them so much, especially when they just let her be like this when she wasn’t feeling on form.

“Anything interesting in there today?” Her dad said, with his back still to her.

Her parents got the same newspaper every Sunday. They had been doing this for as long as she could remember. “Not really. The usual. There’s a nice picture here of a loch.”

Her dad turned around and peered over from the kitchen, spatula in hand. Anna held up the paper so he could see. “That’s a beauty, that is. We should go for a walk soon.” He went back to his pots and pans.

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