Page 21 of For I Have Sinned
There are so many things I want to say that I’ll do. And I’d do them all. But I already know I can’t follow through. Ellsworth wouldn’t appreciate them for the gestures that they’d be meant as. Everything I’d do would tear his world apart.
Then he’d hate me. He’d resent me, at the very least. I don’t want him to be with me as a second choice when I’ve made his first choice for him. Against his will. Even if he’d be with me after that, when I’ve forced him out of the Church because I was selfish and fell in love with something-like-a-priest when I shouldn’t have, he’d not be there because he wanted to be. Because he’d made the decision.
He’d be there because I stole the life he chose from him and now he had to live one that he didn’t choose.
“Nothing,” I whisper. The defeat in my voice stings. It makes everything in me hurt.
Liam gives me another sad smile. “Come here.” He pulls me to him, and we end up laying on the floor with my face in his chest. “I know you can’t see this now, but everything will be okay. I promise. Even if you don’t get the outcome you want at this moment, that doesn’t mean it’s not the way it’s supposed to be.”
“Are you saying God doesn’t want us together? Because right now, I don’t give a fuck what he wants.”
Liam chuckles. “You know I don’t believe in God, Zay. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe there’s somewhere in life we’re supposed to end up. That certain people are meant to be in our lives. Maybe it’s hard to see right now because it hurts too much, but this might be a necessary stepping stone for you to get where you need to be.”
“How so?”
“Well, before Ellsworth, you’ve never considered the possibility of being with a man, right?”
I didn’t like where this was going.
“Maybe you needed him in your life to show you that men are an option. You’ve been searching for your next goal, Zay. A wife. So you can have your forever home with a wife, kids, and a picket fence. The whole works. But maybe you were never supposed to have a wife. Maybe you’re supposed to have a husband.”
I sigh in irritation. “Yes. Ellsworth.”
“You’re awfully stubborn,” he says, chuckling.
While I don’t disagree, I also don’t agree with his reasoning. I won’t. I know what I feel. And I know that if Ellsworth chooses the Church over me, I’m not going to love another person. Not like this. Not even if I do what Liam is suggesting and move on. Find someone else—be it a wife or a husband—I will never love them like I do Ellsworth.
And is that really worth it? Is it fair to me or this future Mrs/Mr. Nyles? They’ll never have what they should have from me. Because it will always be Ellsworth’s.
Liam sighs. His fingers move through my hair as he hugs me to him. He’s never hugged me before, but I guess I’ve never needed it.
“Thank you for being here,” I whisper. “Even if I refuse to believe you.”
He chuckles. “You should have called me, Zay. I want you to know that you don’t ever have to go through anything alone. You’re my best friend, fucker. I need to know when you’re hurting so I can be here for you.”
“You found me,” I argue.
“Yes. Because no one has heard from or seen you in weeks. You haven’t answered your fucking phone. My brother says you haven’t been to work.”
I wince and scowl. “Yeah. Hopefully, I still have a job.”
“Sam will understand,” Liam assures me. “But for fuck’s sake, Zaiden. Don’t shut me out. Not when you need me here.”
I nod.
“I’m not going to push you to move on or forget him. But I’m also not going to let you shut yourself in your house and waste away. Understand?”
“I’m not much company.”
“You don’t need to be anything other than what you are. Happy. Sad. Miserable. Combative. I don’t care. You aren’t doing this alone.”
I press my face into his chest and let my tears run over. Just one more time. Because I can. Because he’s going to hug me, and I won’t be alone for a little while. I’ll allow myself to take comfort in that. For just a minute.
Even knowing when I open my eyes, Ellsworth still won’t be here.
Ten
ELLSWORTH
