Page 10 of For I Have Sinned
“Look, Ellsworth. I think I fucked up when I asked you to come with me that first evening. It’s just, I’ve been looking for something and…” He bites his lip, staring at his empty plate. His cheeks are red as he considers his words. “And I don’t know what happened,” he finishes exasperatedly. “As soon as I saw you, it was like, you’re who I was supposed to find.” He looks at me, his eyes all wide and innocent. “Does that make me sound insane?”
I smile, my heart jumping around in my chest. Turning my hand over, I grip his in return. “No,” I tell him. I know that feeling. I’ve felt it. Maybe more than once.
He drops his eyes. “It’s not fair of me to have… made it pretty clear, I think, that I’m interested in you, given that I know that being with a man is going to send you to hell and probably get you kicked out of the church. I never thought of myself as gay. This is going to sound like some cliché rom-com but until I met you, I’ve never even looked at another man before. In, you know, this way.” His cheeks darken until they’re beyond pink and bordering red.
I grin, reaching for his face, and brush my thumb across his cheek. His eyes flutter closed for a second.
“I won’t ask you to choose between your faith and exploring this with me. So while I’m going to continue to ask you to hang out, because I like your company and conversation, I’m going to let you decide what you want otherwise. Completely up to you.”
“Otherwise,” I repeat.
His eyes open and he’s downright strawberry red now. “Physically?” he asks. “Romantically? I don’t know. I did just say I’ve never done anything with a guy before, right? Or do you need me to say that part again? It’s not like I know what I’m doing here. I’m all sorts of flustered and confused and winging it, hoping that you know what you’re doing, so I don’t look like an idiot.”
My grin is far too wide as he’s rambling. Despite myself, I lean in to kiss him, trying to put his mind at ease. “First, let me say that a relationship with a guy isn’t going to be much different from one with a girl. It can get interesting in that gender roles have been leveled. It’s an equal playing field in same-sex relationships.”
Zaiden looks at me, his eyes widening. A smile climbing up his face. “Really? I like how that sounds. Expectations are exhausting.”
I nod, chuckling, and drop the hand I had on his face. I stare at where we’re still connected, our fingers entwined. “But for everything else you said? I don’t know what I can give you, Zaiden. You already know that I can’t give you anything. It’s against the Church’s creed. It’s an abhorrent sin.” I’ve practiced many times in the silence and solitude of my room to say those words or ones like them with a completely neutral tone. I think I even managed to pull it off.
“I hear what you’re saying,” he says carefully, then squeezes my hand. “But you contradict your words often, so I don’t really know what to think.”
“I know. That’s not at all fair to you.”
Silence envelopes us once more.
“What do you want?” he asks. “With me, in case that wasn’t clear.”
I chuckle and shake my head. “That’s the problem, Zaiden. What I want and what I can do are two entirely different things. But I’m not sure which one I’m strong enough to follow through with.”
“Is one harder than the other?” he asks.
“For different reasons, yeah. They’re both steep mountains. I’m not sure which one I’m going to be able to ascend.” I look at him, hoping he sees the sincerity in my eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you or give you hope that I can be what you need or mess with you. I don’t want to hurt you.” I emphasize the last words. “But I don’t want to stop seeing you either. Even if this is only going to be a mess.”
Zaiden nods. He holds my eyes for several minutes during which I think he can see as much moving through my gaze as I do his. Finally, he leans in and kisses me softly. Just presses his mouth to mine and stays there. Not a proper kiss. No movement. We’re just feeling each other. Letting our lips mold together. Become familiar. Breathe each other in.
When he speaks, he doesn’t back away so I can feel his lips move against my mouth. “Then I think you still have to call the shots,” he says quietly. “I’ve never had this consuming draw, this overwhelming need, for someone before. So, as messy and hard as it might get, I’m not going anywhere. But I won’t kiss you again. I won’t touch you again after this. That’s going to be on you.”
I grumble at his words. He’s right to do that. But fuck, I can’t be trusted with that. I’m going to hurt someone and it’s likely going to be both of us!
“Just know that I want you, Ellsworth. So fucking bad,” he says, his voice low, deep, needy.
Everything in me groans as I lean into him again, but I don’t kiss him. Just keep our mouths together. This is going to have to be enough for right now. Because I can’t leave the Church. I can’t. I made a promise that I’m just not willing to break. The thought of breaking that promise is far too painful.
But fucking hell, I don’t know if I can not do this with Zaiden. He’s right. Sometimes when you meet someone, you just know. And I fucking know this man is going to wreck me.
Five
ZAIDEN
The next few weeks are a hell storm of confusion for me. I’m a hot fucking mess with how Ellsworth comes and goes from my life. I can’t even be mad about it. He warned me. He told me in as many words that he can’t do this.
And I know he can’t. I really do. And it’s awful of me to have put him in that position. But fuck if I can stay away. I need him in the worst fucking way.
The need is so consuming I feel lost and absent most of the time when I’m not with him. My skin is tight. I’m so goddamn horny. And terrified of being so, because anything with Ellsworth is terrifyingly new.
Not that we’ve done any of that. He’s kissed me a handful of times since that Saturday that we laid it all out. But I can physically see the turmoil in his face when he does. If that’s not enough, it’s the pain that follows. The pain that’s bright in his eyes.
It’s not regret. I don’t see that. But I’m sure his fight is much worse than anything I’m going through. He’s dedicated his life to the Church. And in that life, being gay is reprehensible. Unclean and one of the ugliest sins.
