Page 135 of All at Once

As his middle finger continues to work my now swollen clit, his index finger brushes below as I gasp at the sensation before he presses his lips onto mine. He pulls away for a brief second, leading me to open my half-shut eyes as he asks, “Is everything good?”

I can’t even form a coherent sentence, and so I simply give a combination of a moan and a nod as he picks up his pace but only slightly, when I feel his index finger trace around me again.

It’s then that I’m reminded of each time that I tried to move past this step on my own. It doesn’t help when I remember how his finger is not only larger than mine but also far longer.

The way he’sholdingme,touchingme,lookingat me.It’s all flawless. And to finally be the object of his affection should only be making me more confident. Not to mention the indescribable pleasure he’s giving me that I haven’t even come close to feeling like this on my own.

Then why are my doubts continuing to overpower my mind?That this will hurt. That I might make a cringy sound. That I won’t be able to make him feel the way he’s making me feel.The intrusive thoughts are enough to cover the bare state my body’s in.

But his skill distracts me from them again as his fingers tease my inner lips, barely tracing the part of me that wants to be touched by himso badly, and yet my mind keeps shutting it out.

He kisses me so deeply that I almost forget about all my fears.

But as soon as I feel his index finger align with me, before he can even put any of his skin into mine, I shriek.

Having scared the poor guy, Luca removes his hand from me so quickly that I barely feel it when he does. And now I feel bad for embarrassing not only myself but also him in the process.

He sits back up next to my legs, his eyes wide with concern. “Are you okay? Did that hurt?”

It didn’t.Noneof it hurt. It was just my fucking fear getting in the way again. Ruining everything that has a chance of turning into something good.

Unsure how any of this will come across, I explain, “No, not at all. You were doing great. I just panicked.” I run my tense fingers through my hair in frustration. “I’m sorry. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?” I bury my face in my hands. All I want to do is cry because now I have the guy, but Istilldon’t have my peace of mind.

Luca’s brows crease as he brushes over my knee reassuringly. “Hey. Stop it. It’s not your fault at all.”

“There was a reason how I told you this might not ever happen for me,” I remind, defeated.

I feel his gaze on me as I look away, not bringing myself to face him right now. “Jasmine, it will. You just need to give it time. Please look at me,” he requests earnestly. I sigh before glancing back over at him even though now I just want to sob. “I promise you that it will,” he says so convincingly that I almost believe him.

I brush his fingers with mine and suggest, “Maybe we can try again?”

I hate how he’s looking at me right now with so much sympathy that I also sense my desperation. His voice is as soft as possible as he replies, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I can tell how hard he’s trying not to offend me when he doesn’t push my fingers away and instead holds onto them gently.

Only feeling worse that now I may have turned him off from wanting this with me completely, I add, “I didn’t mean to scare you. You didn’t do anything.”

“You didn’t scare me at all,” he reassures. “I don’t want you to think that. I just think if you’re stressed right now, it’ll only make it worse if we try again.”

“Everything felt good though. It’s just my body is reacting like this,” I say.

His eyes grow more serious. “Don’t dothat. Don’t bring yourself down like that.”

Knowing he’s right just adds to the frustration that’s consuming me right now. How frustrated I’ve been about this foryears. How my body keeps rejecting what my mind wants. How close I always get to it for itnotto happen. How tired I am of not experiencing this in the effortless way I’ve seen it described my entire life. Even though I’m not sure if he’ll ever understand how I feel, I still try to explain, “I’m not trying to. It’s just that I can’teven have a normal fucking woman’s wellness exam when I go to my doctor because this is what happens to me every fucking time.”

My eyes well up as a tear falls down at the reminder of this deeply relevant memory. I can’t look at him for any longer. I fear if I do, I’ll start bawling.

It’s too late to cover it when I feel Luca’s comforting thumb wipe away my tear. “I’m listening,” he says gently.

I take a deep breath, trying my best to gather my thoughts.

“Apparently even if you’re not sexually active, it’s recommended to have a pelvic exam once a year when you turn 18. The idea of it freaked me out until earlier this year. I finally was like, ‘you know what, I need to grow up, I’m going to do this. How hard could it be?’ And so my doctor tried to do the test twice a few months ago, and both times I was so uncomfortable. I can’t even explain it to you. It was the first time in my entire life where I genuinely thought to myself,what the actual fuck?Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? Why didn’t someone explain to me thatthisis how it feels like when someone sticks their finger inside you? I was floored. Before that, I’d never even tried to finger myself. After that, I tried it a few more times and well you know the rest…I thought I was crazy for feeling like this when all I seemed to hear before is howgoodit’s supposed to feel.”

“You’re not crazy,” he quickly reassures.

“My doctor’s reasoning was that it’s different when she does it, and it’s normal to feel uncomfortable. But the way I reacted, I don’t know if anything about that wasnormalhence why I said my body’s not reacting the way I want it to.”

Luca rubs my knee softly as he says, “Your body is most likely protecting you since it’s confused what’s going on. And this is just my observation, but I think it might not be as much of a problem from your body as it is your fear.”

I shake my head with wide eyes. “I’m not scared anymore. I trust you.”

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