Page 137 of Crash & Burn

Not the most healthy.

But it is our best option.

Eddie kissed me before I left, and it made my eyes sting all over again because, for some reason, it felt like it would be the last time.

How did I ever think we were going to make this work?

How did I ever convince myself, and Eddie, that we were doing the right thing?

How the hell are we going to fix this?

We can’t.

But I don’t have time to dwell on it, swallowing the feelings and the thoughts and the questions even though I know my therapist would tell me to do otherwise.

I take a few moments to myself when Eddie leaves, not having the energy to worry about whether or not he and Mateo are going to have to navigate their shared space when getting ready today. Especially because they are both groomsmen.

Drew, Annie, and the other bridesmaids are expecting me down the hall in Drew’s hotel room in less than twenty minutes. Annie and I were technically sharing a room, but we all ignored the fact that she ended up in Luke’s.

Looks like we are all going to have to fake it until we make it today.

I take a quick shower in an attempt to wash away the headache from my slight hangover and the aftermath of the first panic attack I have had inmonths.

I grab my dress, covered on a hanger, and my duffle bag packed with everything I need to get ready before hooking my camera over my shoulder, and heading down to the end of the hall to Drew’s hotel room.

I don’t even have time to take a breath, putting myself into autopilot, and pasting a smile on my face like I’ve seen Eddie do so many times before.

“There you are,” Annie says as she opens the door.

“Looks like we’re just waiting for Lacey,” Drew says as she brings me in for a hug. She is in her white silk robe that says “‘Til Death” on the back with a skeleton hand holding up the ring finger. Her red hair is in soft waves, clipped back so Annie can do her makeup.

Annie’s two hobbies are makeup and baking, both having come in handy as she is helping us all get readyandshe baked the cake for the reception.

Drew was so happy to have all of us using our hobbies and talents for her day, and I think it made it all the more special to her.

She only wants photos of the ceremony because she is like me and doesn’t love having her picture taken, and, with everything else going on, I’m thankful I don’t have to worry about capturing the entire night on top of balancing the bridesmaid duties with also trying not to let on the war going on in my head.

It is easy to forget everything going on with my brother and Eddie while I’m with the girls. I find myself not even having to pretend to be having fun or putting a smile on my face. It comes naturally when I’m with them. Laughing, drinking mimosas, and enjoying our time with Drew was exactly what I needed.

At one point, Annie asked if everything was okay, her sixth sense of being able to sense the smallest change in someone’s demeanor. I was able to convince her I was fine, but I think she knew something was up.

“You’ll fill me in later?” She whispers, as she lightly brushes a soft pink blush onto my cheeks.

“Nothing to worry about,” I whisper back, widening my eyes slightly so she knows I don’t want to make anything about me.

She nods as she puts the blush and brush down and hands me a lipstick and grabs a handheld mirror, but her wheels are turning. She eyes me as she holds up the mirror for me to put the red lipstick on my lips. “I saw Mateo on his way to your room this morning.”

I try not to show any reaction on my face, but I’m sure Annie clocked the millisecond it took me to recover from hearing what she said. I rub my lips together, evenly spreading the red across my lips before closing the lipstick and handing it back to Annie.

I look into her eyesand I know she knows.

“Was Eddie still there?” She asks, and I don’t even have to say a word. I just stare into her big, chocolate brown eyes, and she hears me loud and clear..

“Are you okay?” she whispers, and it makes me want to crumble.

No.

I’m not okay.

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