Page 127 of Crash & Burn

“I’m sure you know that my son has been through a lot. We all have. Without him, well,” she pauses, setting her elbow down on the table and resting her head in her hand. “I do not know where we would be.”

“I’m sorry for what you all have been through. You are all so strong. I can’t even begin to understand.”

“Thank you,mi cariña. Pero, Eduardo, he took it all the hardest. I did not think I would ever see him with a real smile on his face again. And I have seen it more tonight than I have since he was young. I cannot help but think you are the reason.”

She reaches a hand across the table, grabbing my hand resting next to my wine glass. She squeezes, and I feel my eyes dampen. So many things running through my head, but I tamp them all down to focus on the woman in front of me.

I squeeze her hand. “I think he’ll be okay.” The words seem small compared to the words she just said, but I know she knows what I mean when I see her eyes cloud too. Not only will Eddie be okay, but hewantsto be. Knows hedeservesto be. And he knows he has people who are there for him even when he’s not.

The night wraps up with a promise for the two of us to be at the next family dinner in September. I exchange numbers with Isa, Lucia, and Carmen, starting a group chat to talk about theLove Islandseason they are each watching, one I am rewatching but still would love to enjoy their commentary about.

“What did I tell you, sunshine? They loved you.” Eddie puts his hand on my thigh as we drive back to my apartment. “My mom even said she’s keeping you if we ever break up.”

I let out a small chuckle. The comment is funny, but I don’t feel like I’m in the mood to laugh.

I’m also not in the mood to ruin Eddie’s good mood, so happy we all hit it off. But I can’t shake these feelings, these thoughts, that maybe I’m not 100 percentin, not like I thought I was.

It isn’t just that we haven’t told Mateo, but that is part of it.

Tonight reminded me that I’m moving on.

Like I should be.

But I still feel so damn guilty.

“Mia?” Eddie turns to look at me at the redlight we are stopped at. “What’s the matter? You don’t think it went well?”

“No, no. That’s not it at all. I love your mom and your sisters, and I had such a nice time tonight.”

“Then what is it?”

This isn’t the kind of conversation to have at a red light.

“Nothing.”

The light turns green, but Eddie doesn’t move the car.

“The light is green, Eddie.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Don’t go back to pretending everything is fine. We don’t do that. Not anymore.”

I sigh, loving yet hating how much this man knows me, how he can see right through me, more now than when we first met.

The car behind us honks and drives around us to make the light.

“Go. We’ll talk when you drop me off.”

The rest of the ride is filled with silence, loaded silence. There is tension in the air. Both our minds spiral with thoughts faster than we can keep track of them.

How am I supposed to tell the man I am falling in love with that I can’t give him all of my love?

The more I think about what is holding me back, it isn’t Mateo, it isn’t seeing Eddie’s family, it isn’t even what happened.

It’s that a part of me will always loveNico. A part that I can never give to Eddie. And how is it fair to ask Eddie to give all of himself to me, no hidden memories, no masks, no fake feelings, but I can’t give all of myself to him?

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