Page 54 of Unfix Me

I pulled out the bag of coins and took one. When I handed it to him with the sharpie, he wrote the date on it like last time. I tugged on a few strands of grass and added them to the jar along with the wood. It was sort of dumb, but once it was done, I felt the same sense of satisfaction that I did every time.

More than anything, I was glad that I’d have these physical reminders of my journey. I had a jar for each football season. I knew, more than many people, how fragile memories could be. All the other ones were on a shelf in my parents’ room so that he could see them, even when he didn’t know what they meant. I believed some part of him did. When he looked at them, I hoped a little bit of his soul settled.

After screwing on the lid, I looked at Sen. He met my eyes, for once not trying to look away. He was still terrified, but he was here.

Because I was probably a little bit of a selfish dick, I dropped the jar beside me and took either side of his neck. He sucked in a breath just before my lips met his. This time, he sunk his fingers into my hair and held me to him. I groaned when he opened his mouth, letting me stroke my tongue over his.

Moving my hands to his shoulders, I pushed him onto his back. The light rain from earlier still dampened the grass, but he didn’t complain as he let his fingers graze over my chest.

It took a god-tier level of effort to pull back. “I don’t want to push you too fast. But…” I rolled my hips so that my half-mast dick brushed against his. “I wanted you to know what you do to me, Sen. And I need to remind you that it’s okay for you to feel the same way.”

He rolled his lips, but not before I saw the way they trembled. I kissed him one more time, soft and sweet so that he’d know I wasn’t just being a mindless degenerate with a boner.

Grabbing his biceps, I pulled him into a sitting position, then we both got to our feet. I tried to brush the grass and dirt from my legs, but it was no use. I needed a shower anyway. Badly. It was a wonder he hadn’t thrown up again just because of that.

“Are you okay?” I asked, regarding him carefully.

He shook his head. “I’ll try to be.”

“You don’t have to be okay. Just make it the goal. Short-term, long-term, all of them. When it comes down to it, all of us are a goddamn mess in our own way.”

As we walked toward the dorms, he wrapped his arms around himself. “How are you always so positive?”

“I don’t know, but it helps that I’ve had people in my life who helped make me this way. You didn’t, I assume.”

“No. I mean, I thought so, but… Now, I’m questioning everything.”

“Good.”

“How is that good?”

“Everything should be questioned. If a thing can’t withstand being challenged, questioned, researched, and tested throughout time, it’s not worth subscribing to. Anyone who tries to demonize the very human desire to understand things is just trying to sell you something.”

We stopped when we reached our doors. There was a noticeable awkwardness between us and I decided to let him lead. I’d pushed him before and I didn’t want to keep doing that until I better understood what was going on in his head.

He stepped forward, but instead of kissing me, he hugged me. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and inhaled the coconut scent of his shampoo.

“Sorry I smell like shit,” I murmured against his hair.

“It’s okay.”

“You’re supposed to say I don’t.”

“Well…”

Pulling back, I bit my lip on the smile that was aggressively trying to break through. “What are you doing tomorrow? I owe you sushi.”

“I only have one class on Fridays until eleven.”

“Perfect. I’ll pick you up at one. I’ll even come to your door because I’m a gentleman.”

His eyes crinkled as he smiled. “Okay. Wait.”

I paused with my hand on the doorknob. His expression had changed into something more guarded.

“Can we go at three? I have something to do tomorrow.”

“You have a study session?” I joked.

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