Page 103 of Replay
He reached out tentatively to touch her shoulder.He didn’t know how to explain.Would it even help to know that last night hadn’t been anything to do with Xane’s need to feel loved?Maybe it would make things worse.Maybe Xane’s addiction was something she could at least rationalise, whereas there was nothing comprehensible at all about him and Xane.Yeah, letting her fall back on what she considered established facts was definitely going to be easier than some mumbled nonsense abouthisinability to deal with his fucked up past.The deceit rankled though.It seriously churned his guts.
His hesitation meant that Luthor reached them before Spook made a decision about his response.Noticeably, Xane hadn’t weighed in.
“Tell her it won’t happen again,” Luthor demanded.He swaddled Dani in a bear hug.
Spook opened his mouth, but wound up just gaping at them.
“That’s not a promise you should expect anyone to make.”Xane had been standing off to one side, hunched inside his leather jacket, but now he joined their huddle.“He can’t make that promise because he’s only responsible for his own actions, not mine.I accept that I fucked up.Punishmefor that, not Spook.He never made either of you any promises.”
“I thought we were friends.I thought I could trust you,” Dani blubbered, as if that were a promise in itself.
“We are, and I’m sorry,” Spook said, taking Ash’s advice to stick with apologies, and not to attempt making an explanation.Doing so would only complicate issues, and potentially make them ten times worse.The fact was, Dani was never going to understand, no matter how many words he dedicated to explaining, and no matter whether he told her the whole truth or a highly abridged version.This was the price of what they’d done.They’d known there’d be repercussions.It hadn’t stopped them.He could brush things off as meaningless, or stupid, or an alcohol fuelled piece of idiocy, but the truth was it hadn’t been any of those things.Last night was an inevitability that had been building for a decade.He might just have to accept that his friendship with Dani was forfeit because of it.She’d never trust him as she previously had.That was down to her insecurities, and he couldn’t criticise her for them.He and Xane were going to have to be particularly circumspect about how they interacted with one another going forward too.There’d be too many people watching them like hawks and analysing their interactions for signs of sedition.
Fuck, this was a screw up.Not that he’d necessarily do anything different if they could erase and rewind.
At least everyone was still tentatively together.Everyone was talking.
Dani, perhaps, a little too much.She’d begun babbling at Xane, saying all sorts of things about how this wasn’t the first time.How he’d done this with Luthor.It seemed those wounds weren’t healed, and nor had they been forgotten.Luthor’s shoulders were hitching further and further up with every mention of Xane’s past indiscretions.Fuck.Spook had never anticipated his fuck ups re-opening old wounds in their three-way relationship.Xane, Dani, and Luthor were supposed to be a happy, harmonious threesome.They’d been stable since Xane’s birthday.It just went to show that one never knew quite what lay beneath the surface.Apparently, Dani hadn’t let go of the pain that had birthed their polyamorous relationship quite as successfully as one might have thought.
Still, things could be a lot worse.
Luthor’s jaw was clenched tight.He caught Spook’s eyes.“I want to talk to you alone.”
“Why?”Xane demanded, before Spook got a chance to respond.He even moved around Dani in his attempt to block Luthor getting too close to Spook.
“Because I need to,” Luthor insisted, and locked down his jaw in a way that made it obvious he wasn’t going to explain his reasons.
“Okay,” Spook agreed.“Now?”
“Good as any.”
“What is this?Luthor?”Xane demanded, trotting behind the other man’s heels as he headed towards the balcony.
“Xane, back off,” the other man warned.“You might want absolute control over everything, but you’re not going to get it.This won’t take long.Just fucking accept that it’s happening.Worry about Dani, not what I’m doing.”
Spook thought for a moment that Xane would protest again.He stood poised, as if he were anticipating a punch up.Spook rolled his tongue around his mouth.His throat and lips were dry.He caught Xane’s eye and nodded.“It’s okay.It’s fair.”To Luthor, he said.“Lead the way.”He wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or not when Xane turned away and allowed them some privacy.
He anticipated stern words, a bark of anger from Luthor, maybe even a solid punch to the guts, but none of the three happened, leastways not immediately.The balcony was ocean facing, and the chill wind whipped around them, making his long hair dance, while it tugged at Luthor’s loose clothing.He walked over to the railings and looked out to sea.It was the same spot where he’d stood with Alle only the night before last.Where they’d agreed tea was in order, and his major worry had been over how quickly things were moving between them.His past had seemed safely buried, even if his monsters were rattling their cage bars.
Luthor joined him by the railings.Unlike Spook, he turned his back to the railings.“I want to ask you a few things.”
“Ask,” Spook responded, his nervousness of what the questions would be heightened by Luthor’s choice to communicate in their native tongue.Even if Xane or Dani came outside, they wouldn’t understand what was being said.
“Will you answer honestly?”
“I’ll try.”He couldn’t answer definitely, not until he knew the questions.“What is it you want to know, Luthor?”
“Do you want a relationship with him?”
“What?”Probably he shouldn’t have been so surprised by the question.It was an obvious one.
“I should clarify.A sexual relationship.Obviously, you already have a very deep bond.”
He could have barked out a one word reply, but he didn’t.Instead, he steepled his fingers and tapped them to his lips.Honesty required genuine thought.Real consideration, not just a knee jerk response.“Want?No,” he said after some genuine reflection.
“But you can’t swear that you won’t end up in his bed again.”
“You’re right.I can’t.”
