Page 110 of Replay
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Spook closed the bathroom door.He didn’t need to pee, what he needed was time to gather himself.He stood with his back pressed to the door, hand braced on the knob, and stared unseeing into the mirror, while his knees shook.So far she hadn’t run away.Nor had she stared at him like he was an outright freak.In the rehearsed conversations he had with himself in which he confessed his past, the response was always groans and gasps of disbelief.They hadn’t thought for a moment he was capable… Christ, what a monster!
They’d nod, smile ever so politely, and sound empathetic, but all the while, he’d see the horror in their eyes, and their growing trepidation over being alone with him.
Alle hadn’t reacted like that.Her outrage was directed at Siv, not at him.He wasn’t sure if that was fair, or not.It was a relief of sorts.However, he’d still to explain how Xane fit into things.
“Spook?”The door vibrated against his back as she drummed her fist against the opposite side of the wood.He must have been standing here longer than he realised.“There’s some food here.Apparently, Ginny had it sent.”
“You—you tuck in,” he croaked.He wasn’t very hungry.“I’ll be out in just a minute.”
The comfort of the solid door at his back had to be abandoned.Spook hung over the sink, acid boiling in his guts.He spat a gob of it into the sink, ran the taps, and splashed his face.
He could do this.Part of him even wanted to—to get it all out, and no longer have his heart wallpapered over with secrets.
It was still another five or six minutes before he emerged.
Alle had lit a few lamps, which bathed the room in a soft bronze glow.She was perched across the corner of the bed, part of a sandwich clasped within both hands.She put it aside on seeing him, and lifted the platter towards him.When he shook his head, her expression clouded.
“You have to eat.”
He took one purely to please her.Even nibbled at the edge of it.Cream cheese and chives melted on his tongue.He took a bigger bite, and wound up inhaling another two sandwiches exactly like the first.
“They actually knocked on your door and were about to leave.I heard and let them know you were in here.”
“Thanks.”He wiped his mouth.“So, you’re a sandwich thief?”
“There were two plates provided.”
Neither of which they’d used.
Spook ate a tomato and a couple of carrot sticks simply to avoid having to speak.Eventually though, Alle moved the platter across to the desk and declared herself stuffed.Then she settled at the head of the bed and patted the space on the mattress beside her.
Spook paced before deciding to settle in the spot she’d indicated.She’d given him no reason to mistrust her.There was no horror lurking in her eyes.Clearly she wasn’t revolted by the thought of him.
“I’m that scary, huh?”
He shuffled into position on his knees, whereupon Alle laced her fingers with his and brought their clasped hands to her lips.
“I’m not going to eat you, Spook.I don’t think I’m even going to yell at you.”She swayed her head as if she couldn’t be certain over that point.It would depend.“Tell me what happened last night.How does Xane fit into this?”
Spook tugged his hand free of her grip and steepled his fingers before him.How to explain?Where did he start?He delayed making a response by concentrating on unlacing his high-tops and peeling them off along with his socks.Then he curled his toes against the crisp cold sheets.
“Seeing Siv face to face after all this time brought it all back.The last time I saw her was in the courtroom right before they led her off and I was freed.”
Alle nodded.Evidently, she grasped that part.“I understand why that would cause you to run.Why it’d upset you, just not how that led to you making out with Xane.”
Making out was what teenagers did on the sly.It bore zero relation to what had gone on between him and Xane.“We fought,” he said.“Xane was trying to get me to stay, when I wanted to leave.I intended to get as far away as possible.”Australia… Even the moon wouldn’t have been far enough.But a destination hadn’t actually featured in his plans.All that had mattered was that he left.
Spook pulled a pillow from behind his back and set it across his lap, creating a wall around himself.Distance was a surprisingly effective barrier.
Alle tugged on the end of the cushion, but he held on tight.“That still doesn’t explain it.”
He was trying.“We’re not starting in the right place.”If he began with last night she’d never understand that the actions he’d taken were guided by emotions, not reason.Logic had flown out the window the minute he’d seen Siv’s face.All that had remained was pure animal instinct.He’d needed a way to lick his wounds, and Xane had been it.Xane knew him.Xane got it.He understood.There was a well-established flow of trust between them.
That above all had driven what had happened—trust.Xane didn’t judge.He never had.Not once in an entire decade.Cajoled, prompted, teased, worried—for certain.But he’d never weighed everything up and found Spook lacking.Not at his worst and not at his best.
“You asked about the scars and what happened.I think maybe if I—” He bowed his head towards his hitched up knees.His arms remained tight around the pillow.“—if I start there, it might make more sense.”Or not.But at least she’d know the whole of it.There’d be no secrets left to fester.
