Page 33 of Replay
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Spook couldn’t sleep.Probably he ought to have pottered around a while, read, or drunk that cup of tea he’d practically been able to smell while walking back to the cabin with Alle.Instead, he’d stripped and climbed straight beneath the covers.The shape of the room and its furnishings were still only an inkblot impression pressed into his consciousness.He knew that there was a clear route from the bed to the bathroom, hence no requirement to turn on a light should a bathroom break be a necessity.It was bad when taking a piss was the only thing you could think of to do to while away the minutes.
It wasn’t as if he could even put a pin in exactly why he was so agitated.The gig with Ronnie had gone well.There was no reason to suppose the next one wouldn’t too.
Alle… Alle was what was on his mind.He wasn’t sure why he tried to pretend to himself otherwise.Fact was, part of him had dreaded this reunion with her.Sure, they’d only spent days apart, no real significant length of time, but it was still all so new that minutes felt like hours and hours like days.The ground beneath his feet wasn’t quite set—one misstep and he’d wind-up up to his neck in dirt.That meant he’d been running on a sort of agitated energy for the last twenty-four… actually, more like seventy-two hours.Relationships came with expectations.Expectations of intimacy.Intimacy was a minefield he was still navigating.Every minute he expected something to blow up in his face.
Your past.You expect your past to blow up in your face.
To be fair, it was a reasonable expectation.One could only outrun ones history for so long, and when you did things that invited the demons you’d locked up but never quite dealt with to come out and play, then it was inevitable that things would get sticky.
Of course, he was keeping a tight hold on his own reins.Essential.Not that what he had permitted to occur between them and what he hadn’t made a whole lot of sense.Alle’s definition of sex might involve penetration, but his didn’t.Sex was sex, regardless of the form or variety it came in.You knew when you’d done it.The fact he was balking at actual penetration was nonsensical.It just… It was a step he couldn’t come back from.It would be his final capitulation, the complete abandonment of all that had kept him sane and safe.Inevitable too.The shackles he placed upon himself could only hold him for so long.
This attraction he felt, it was impossible.How could he want Alle and not want her with equal parity?
That might not even have been so bad, if it resulted in balance.The reality was more like a see-saw, with him constantly tipped this way and that.
Also, what the heck had he been thinking when he’d made it official between them instead of loose and casual?
Orgasms.Blowjobs.They were fucking dangerous.
From the corridor, he heard a burst of sound.Voices.Alle and Flynn.Terse, not entirely friendly, not utterly hostile.Irritated.Flynn was departing.Theswishclickof Alle’s door hinges confirmed it.
They’d spoken at length, brother and sister.A blind fumble for his phone to read the time confirmed that.Had he really been in bed squinting at his surroundings for the best part of an hour?Time passed strangely during the night.It always had.What had Flynn said?Had any of it been about him?What did he know?The tidbits that Marshall had hinted at, had they now been passed on?Would he wake tomorrow to find his relationship with Alle over before it had even properly begun?
Would that in truth, not be a relief?
“You’re entranced by her,”he heard Xane’s voice in his head as clearly as if his friend had been sat by him saying it.Certainly, it was true that Allegra Hutton had a way of stripping him of rationality and exposing his jelly-like innards.All she had to do was tilt her head a certain way, or tug on a strand of her red-gold hair and look at him with that beguiling mix of desperation and fire in her eyes, and he couldn’t frigging help himself.“And she’s just as fascinated by you.That’s worth holding onto and exploring, isn’t it?I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be alone all your life, even if in your dumber moments you think you deserved to be.”
Sometimes, he really wished Xane couldn’t read him quite so well.It was his own fault.He’d allowed him to see him at his most vulnerable.
Spook cast off the covers and reached for a pair of sweat pants.He couldn’t stand to sleep in them, so he left them by the side of the bed, just in case he had to evacuate the room in a hurry.Spend enough time living out of hotels, and you inevitably experienced the thrill of fire-alarms wailing while you were in the shower or otherwise indisposed.Ash had a story about being a hair’s breadth from finishing some girl, and having to pause the action because some moron had decided to light up under a smoke alarm in a non-smoking room.Gent that his friend was, he’d naturally started over once they were allowed back inside, and had made sure the lady got her trip to paradise.What hadn’t been quite so clear from the telling was what Ash had got out of the encounter.But Ash had been big on martyrdom at the time.There was far more equity in his relationship these days.Ginny was good for him.
Not bothering with the lights, Spook crept over to the door, and opened it up a crack, expecting to find the corridor already empty.Instead, he found Alle poised with her fist raised ready to knock.
“Can’t sleep either?”he asked.She looked tired.Shadows ringed her eyes that he couldn’t wholly attribute to smeared mascara.
“Can I come in?”
He swung the door wider to admit her, then closed it behind them, turning the lock and fastening the chain across.
Alle hit the light switch.“Too bright.”She snapped it off again, opting for the bathroom light instead, and opening the door so a glow spilled out into the room.“Flynn only just left.”
“You’re all caught up?”he asked, desperately trying not to betray his interest in what had been said, or the fact that he’d heard their raised voices.
“I guess you could say that.”
“What did he say?”
Her mouth twisted.“A lot of things, not all of them particularly nice.”She turned away from him, as if she couldn’t stand to hold his gaze.
“About me…us?”
Alle moved deeper into the room, heading for the window, and Spook followed.Dappled moonlight was spilling through the narrow slats of the blinds.Alle pushed the doors, and let herself out onto the veranda.“About Dad mostly.”Her voice was worn.The topic seemed wedged like a lump in her throat that she couldn’t properly breathe around.Her head was bowed towards the decking, but raised almost at once.“Give Flynn time and I’m sure he’ll have something horrid to say about us too.He was still too busy wrapping his head around the concept to wax overly lyrical tonight.You were right, by the way.He had spoken to Marshall.Hence, he had completely the wrong end of the stick.I’ve made certain to correct him.Me and Xane!Honestly?Where’d that come from?I mean really.Also, the punching incident not being your fault.”
Spook followed her onto the veranda.The night was at its thickest, with hardly any discernible division between ocean and sky.The moon hung like a platinum disk.There was very little breeze, not even enough to lift the ends of Alle’s fiery hair.
The veranda wasn’t quite what he’d expected, being part of a structure that spanned the length of the corridor of cabins.It offered little privacy, as the portion belonging to each cabin was separated from the next only by white painted railings that one could vault with relative ease.Alle walked over to the sea facing railing, before turning on her heels and stalking back to him.“Xane is way too high maintenance.One only has to look at him to see that.”
