Page 94 of Replay
Sure enough, Luthor stilled at the mention of Genoa, though his fists remained tightly formed.“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”His tongue flicked warily between his teeth.
Xane bowed his head.“I can’t explain it all to you, Luthor.I wish I could, but I won’t betray his trust.All I ask is that you accept it wasn’t trivial.What I did, I did for a reason.It wasn’t just screwing around.”
“What about the trust you owe Dani and me?”
Repentant, he slowly rotated his lip piercing.“I am sorry for betraying that trust.Truly.I wish there’d been an alternative.I can’t undo it.All I can do is beg your forgiveness, and state here and now, that Spook isn’t a threat to us.This doesn’t have to be a huge deal.”
Luthor sucked his front teeth.He began shaking his head.“It’s still infidelity.How do you think that’s going to go down with Dani?”
Badly.Dani had hang-ups galore.She was petrified that he’d run off with someone else – Luthor, primarily.It’d taken a long time to smother all the jealousy and build up the level of trust between them they’d recently enjoyed.
“So, Genoa?”Luthor prompted him.“Should I be asking about the night the pair of you spent in Monte Carlo too?It bears startling similarities to last night.Spook upset, and seemingly out of his mind.The two of you disappearing for hours upon end with next to zero communication about what was going on.”
“Nothing happened in Monte Carlo,” Xane insisted.Were his shoulders hitched?Well, was that any wonder?He didn’t care to be accused.That had been an awkward night, but it hadn’t been the sex-fest Luthor was implying.Defensively, he began buttoning his shirt again, but as before, Luthor slapped his hands away.
“Didn’t it?”
“No,” Xane said firmly.“Luthor, he was blind drunk.I put him to bed.I texted both you and Dani that night.The pair of you tormented me with suggestions of what you were getting up to.Nothing happened between me and Spook.”Besides Spook lying on top of Xane and wanking himself silly.But that hadn’t been conscious on Spook’s part, and it certainly wasn’t worth mentioning and getting anyone’s feathers ruffled over.
Maybe his thoughts betrayed him, because Luthor’s expression remained steadfastly unconvinced.“Then why were you both so antsy afterwards?Why have we been subjected to weeks of silent discourse zipping back and forth between you?That is, when he’s not avoiding you like the plague.”
“Not because we’re having an affair, if that’s what you’re imagining.Berate me all you like over last night, but don’t look for something that doesn’t exist.There’s nothing untoward going on between us.Never has been.Last night was about me being a good mate—”
“Once you start fucking one another, you can’t just claim to be mates anymore.”Luthor scoffed.
“According to who?”That was a stupid rule.Whoever had invented it was clueless.Of course you could fuck and still just be friends – fucking friends.There, he’d even invented a term for it.Also, loads of people had friends with benefits.Regardless, the problem here wasn’t one of definitions.The problem was that Luthor was seeing only a fraction of the picture.So, of course it didn’t make sense.To truly understand what was going on, you had to be familiar with Spook’s past, and his experiences at the hands of the Gyllenskölds.And that information had to come from Spook, whenever he was ready to share it.Xane wasn’t about to impart it, no matter if that did land him in deeper shit.
“Luthor, please.”His lover’s hands were clammy when Xane clasped them.“Can you not trust me, even a little?Do you honestly think I’d risk everything we have with one another and with Dani for a pointless shag?”
“I don’t think you always think.Sometimes you just do.You can’t say otherwise.I’ve been complicit in your not thinking before, so I know what it looks like.”
“You do,” he was willing to admit that.“Last night wasn’t like that.It wasn’t about me, Luthor.It was about Spook.He needed me.Needed someone who understood.It was an act of mercy.”
That sounded pompous, but it was the truth.“Understood what, Xane?That’s the bit I’m struggling with here.You’re saying trust me, and in the same breath you’re telling me you were unfaithful.”
Xane squeezed his fingers tighter, and tugged them closer to his chest.“If I could explain I would.I don’t want to hide things from you, but it wouldn’t be fair to Spook.”
Luthor pushed him away.“You could tell me, if you chose.What you’re actually doing, Xane, is prioritising his feelings over mine.Your relationship with him over ours.How do you think that makes me feel?Like I’m not very fucking important, that’s how.”His mismatched eyes flashed with ire.“Seriously, why you?I’m sure you’re not the only person he could have confided in.What happened to Alle, eh?Why’d he bang you and not his girlfriend?”
They were valid questions “Allegra’s part of the problem.That’s why.He’s been celibate for nearly ten years, and their forming a relationship is dredging up stuff from his past that he’s not dealt with.”
That was already more than he should have said.
“Go on,” Luthor prompted.
Xane shut his mouth up tight.Connect the dots yourself, please, he willed his lover.Please.I can’t say more.I don’t want to say more.
They seemed to stand like that forever.Staring at one another.Xane with his lips locked.Luthor swiping his thumb back and forth over the marks on Xane’s neck.Eventually, he pulled Xane closer.
“Genoa wasn’t the first time,” he muttered.
Xane said nothing.
“The previous occasion was much worse, and also unreported.Am I on the right lines?”
Xane’s teeth dug so hard into his tongue they hurt.He refused to blink, or in any way confirm or deny what Luthor was suggesting.
“I’m taking your silence as a yes.But I still don’t see how you fucking him helps.”
