Page 106 of The Shape of Your Heart
CALLIE
After Rita drops me home, I go outside to my garden. It’s been a long day and the peace is welcome. Sitting on the grass, I think about what Nathan’s achieved while I’ve been away, slightly regretting I couldn’t have been a part of it.
Gazing up at the sky, I think of Josefine and the Camino. It seems surreal that only a couple of nights ago in Galicia, we were lying on the grass together looking at the stars. I sigh. Though it’s lovely being home, it doesn’t feel the way it used to. Getting up, I wander among the familiar plants, recalling their significance to me and Liam. But only now do I realise I’ve found the closure I was seeking; that at some point during the walk, I crossed the line I wanted to find, between the past and what lies ahead as I move forward.
Already I’m craving the sea and early the following morning, I make my way to the beach. Instead of walking or looking for sea glass or sitting on the sand, I strip off my clothes and wade in. Savouring the coolness of the water, I close my eyes for a moment. Feeling myself whisked back to that last swim in Galicia, with Josefine, as I hear the echo of her laughter, the last piece of the puzzle falls into place.
Memories are precious – and some will stay with you always. They’re a gift to be treasured. But we shouldn’t let them hold us back. Instead, we carry them with us. Always.
Our lives can be so short – and I lost a year of mine when Liam died. Suddenly aware that I don’t have time to waste, I wade towards the shore. As I dry myself and pull on my clothes, the first drops of rain fall.
Since arriving at the beach, I haven’t even looked at the sky. When for the last six weeks I’ve gloried in it,how haven’t I looked at the sky?
The heavens open as I grab my things and run for my car. By the time I reach it I’m soaked again. As I start driving towards Nathan’s house, I don’t care that my clothes are wet, that my hair is straggly. I feel alive in every cell of my being, my heart racing, my stomach filled with nervous energy. Filled with an overwhelming desire to see him, I rehearse what I want to say to him, butterflies flutter deliciously inside me.I know what I said before, and I don’t know if you have anything going on with anyone else – but I have to say this: all the time I’ve been away, I haven’t stopped thinking about you.
If I’m too late, I’ll live with it. I’ll go and walk another Camino, or go on another, different adventure. But in my heart, the next adventure I want is with Nathan.
When I reach his house, I sit in the car for a moment, smoothing my hair as best I can. It’s still raining as I get out, and barely registering the garden I take the steps to the front door, pausing there, inhaling deeply before I knock.
Almost immediately he opens it. ‘Hi.’ He looks surprised to see me.
‘Hi.’ Suddenly I’m not so sure. ‘Is this a good time?’ I half expect him to say he’s busy.
Standing back, he opens the door wider. ‘You’re soaked. You’d better come in.’
‘I’m fine. I just want to say something.’ Standing there in the rain, the words pour out of me. ‘I know I haven’t been making sense. I’ve been confused – and I know I’ve confused you, too. But since going away, I’ve realised that I want to be happy again – and that it isn’t wrong to want to be with someone again. The timing…’ Shaking my head, I have to ask. ‘I know before I left, you said you’d ask me out, but that was six weeks ago and I don’t know what’s been going on in your life. Is there someone?’
He looks confused. ‘No – except I’d like there to be.’ As he pauses, his eyes meet mine. ‘But it’s a little tricky when she’s been hundreds of miles away.’
I breathe a shaky sigh of relief. ‘It’s just I’ve figured out life’s too short to look for obstacles all the time. There’s a risk of one of us getting hurt, but it would be riskier, wouldn’t it, if we didn’t try?’
I watch his face. First uncertainty flickers across it, but as he realises what I’m saying, he looks astonished.
‘What happened to just being friends?’ he says quietly.
I hesitate. ‘To be honest, I was hoping for a little more than that. You see…’ I hesitate. ‘While I was away, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I’ve finally worked it out.’ I pause, because this is the risky part. But as I’ve learned, life is nothing without risk. ‘I love you. And I love your heart.’ When he doesn’t react, I go on. ‘I’m sorry if that’s too much… But you know me. I like to say what’s on my mind.’ I pin on a smile, trying to hide how anxious I feel.
‘Are you sure?’ He frowns. ‘I mean, if you’re not and this is just a reaction to being away, I’d rather know now.’
‘I am so sure.’ My voice wobbles.
He stands there for a moment, before a smile spreads slowly across his face. ‘Then you’d better come in – as long as you’re not planning on running away again, that is.’
Stepping towards him, I pause in front of him. ‘I’m not running anywhere.’ Reaching up and closing my eyes, I kiss him.
* * *
It’s a kiss I will never forget. There is no guilt, no backlash, just the sweetest sense that I’ve come home. After closing the door, Nathan shows me where the bathroom is and finds me an oversized sweatshirt to change into while he dries my clothes. Smoothing my hair back, I gaze at my reflection. My eyes are bright; there’s colour in my cheeks. But it’s how I feel inside, like the part of me I lost for a while is glowing brightly.
After what feels like a momentous revelation, on my part at least, I come downstairs to find Nathan in the kitchen making tea. Going over to him, I wrap my arms around him. ‘Thanks. I’m warmer now.’
But when he turns around, as I take in the troubled look on his face, my heart misses a beat.
‘Callie, I think we should talk.’
The blood drains from my face. ‘What is it?’
‘Come and sit down.’ Taking my hand, he leads me over to the sofa.
