Page 78 of The Shape of Your Heart
‘Yeah. But don’t forget also, major surgery’s bound to make you have a rethink.’
‘I’ve thought of that, too.’ I’m silent, thinking, not sure how I feel about a stranger’s unmeasurable influence on the personIam.
I think about going to see Callie. But in the end, I decide against it, guessing she’ll need time to calm down and think this through. I wonder if maybe Max has gone to check on her – I should have asked Robin.
Sitting back, I sigh. I can’t believe I hadn’t figured out the connection between Max and Callie. But life can be so frigging complicated – and people so secretive. Half the time, there’s no way of knowing who’s going through what. It would be so much simpler if we could all be honest.
Callie’s the only person I know who says it like it really is – most of the time, at least. OK, so it isn’t always what you want to hear. But at least you know where you stand with her. It leaves me with a problem, however, because in spite of all this – or maybe because of all this, I still want to be standing much closer.
I wonder how much of what I feel is because Liam loved her; that in the infrastructure of his heart lay feelings, memories, this incredible sense of connection… The more I think about it, it’s uncanny how much I’ve changed. Whether that’s down to coming close to death or the fact that Liam’s heart is beating inside me, I can’t say.
But deep inside, I know how I feel about Callie. Even without Liam’s heart, I would have fallen in love with her. Whatever the reasons for it, I’ve become this person I like far more than the old Nathan. I like that he has principles, that he likes this way of life, which is just as well, because even if I wanted to, there’s no going back to who I used to be.
29
CALLIE
As I drive away from Nathan’s, I start to feel calmer. Halfway home, I think about turning around and going back. But after accusing him of lying to me, I’m probably the last person he wants to see.
There’s no reason for Nathan to want to deceive me. The fact is, none of this is his fault. He wrote a thoughtful letter of gratitude to the family of an anonymous man who died, thanking them for donating the heart that’s keeping him alive. He had no way of knowing it would come to me.
Ignoring the hoot from the car behind me, I slow down. Then reaching a layby, I pull over. Lowering the window, I gaze across the hills and fields towards the sliver of sea that lies beyond, feeling ashamed of how I behaved just now.
But I was upset, I remind myself – and understandably so. I mean, how many people have to figure out something like this? I think about the way Nathan and I met; the way he makes sea pictures on the beach. When apart from Liam, there’s no one else I know who does this, it’s far too weird to be a coincidence.
Watching the first spots of rain splatter on to the windscreen, I call Tanith.
‘I’ve done something terrible,’ I say miserably.
‘How terrible?’ she says. ‘Don’t keep me in suspense.’
‘I found out something – about Nathan.’ I tell her about the letter and how Liam had signed up to be an organ donor; how at the time Liam died, Nathan was in need of a heart. ‘On top of that, Liam’s best friend turned up at Nathan’s. It turns out he’s seeing Nathan’s sister.’
‘Fuck.’ She sounds shocked. ‘That’s some coincidence. In fact, that’s a lot of coincidences. How are you feeling about it?’
‘So mixed up. It’s just the strangest thing to get my head around.’
‘It’s a massive thing to get your head around.’ She’s silent for a moment. ‘So what have you done that’s so terrible?’
I tell her how angry and upset I was; how when I drove away I felt terrible.
‘So go and talk to him,’ Tanith says calmly.
‘What if he doesn’t want to see me?’ My voice trembles.
‘It’s a risk you have to take,’ she says firmly. ‘And from where you are right now, you don’t really have anything to lose, do you?’
‘I can’t.’ I still can’t work out how I feel.
‘Callie… You really can’t leave this too long,’ she warns. ‘Remember, he’s one of the good guys – and there aren’t many of them, I can tell you.’
‘I know. But maybe this is a sign that we’re never meant to be more than friends. How could I be with someone who has my ex-fiancé’s heart?’
‘When you put it like that…’ She sighs. ‘Only you know the answer to that one.’
* * *
That evening, I hear a car pull up outside. Imagining Nathan coming to see me, I stiffen. Right now, I’m not sure I’d know what to say to him. There’s a knock on the door before a voice calls out.
