Page 51 of The Way I Am Now
“Me?” I ask. “Yes, why?”
“I don’t know. You’ve been really quiet all day.” She pauses. “Did I do something? Are you not happy I’m here?”
“No.” So my playing it cool has completely backfired. “Oh my God, no. I’m happy you’re here; I’m just trying to give you space.”
“Why, do you want me to giveyouspace?”
“No,” I almost shout. “It’s not that at all. You just got here, and I don’t want you to feel like there’s any big rush to figure out what we’re doing.”
“Oh.” She nods, seeming to think about this for a few seconds. “Yeah, I didn’t get that at all.”
“Sorry,” I mumble. “I probably should’ve just come out and said that, huh?”
“Aren’t you supposed to be the good communicator in this relationship?” she says with a short laugh, but then quickly adds, “I mean, notrelationship-relationship—you know what I mean.” She reaches around to the back of her neck again, squeezing the muscles while turning her head.
“Guess I’m slipping.” I feel slightly more relaxed after getting that out in the open . . . and seeing her fumble through the word relationship. “Do you need a hand?”
“Yes, please.” She pivots on the seat so her back is facing me. “I thought you’d never ask. It’s like, right here”—she runs her hand from her neck to her shoulder—“where it hurts.”
Her skin is warm as my hands dip under the collar of her T-shirt, and I have to exercise such restraint to not lean down and kiss that spot. I feel her whole body exhale and start to sway and melt under my hands. She makes these small moans every time I press down. I’m glad I’m sitting behind her so she can’t see how much her noises are affecting me. If I didn’t know her better, part of me would wonder if she was doing it on purpose to turn me on, but she doesn’t think like that. She doesn’t even know what she’s doing to me. She never did.
“All right,” I say, stopping abruptly because I want this too much right now.
“Oh, don’t stop,” she groans, glancing over her shoulder at me. “That felt so good.”
“Yeah, it was feeling a little too good to me too,” I mumble.
“What?” she asks, and I don’t know if she didn’t hear me or if she just doesn’t know what I mean.
I clear my throat, trying to decide if I should tell her or not. “N-nothing.”
“No, what? Tell me.” She twists around so that she’s facing me now.
“Eden, you—” I start, but I can’t help laughing. “You were . . .”
“What?” she repeats.
“You were making . . . sex noises.”
Her mouth opens and she gasps, and I watch as her face flushes right before my eyes. But I can tell she’s trying not to laugh too. “Oh my God, Josh!”
“What, you were!”
“I was not!” she shrieks, swatting at me before covering her face with her hands.
“You were too—I would know.”
Her laughter fades as she keeps gazing back and forth between me and the last remnants of color left over from the sunset.
“Sorry,” I tell her, trying to keep the lighthearted mood going a little longer. “I could only take so much.”
She sits back again and looks out at the darkening sky, shaking her head and letting out a little burst of laughter every so often. “Sex noises,” she scoffs. And then she turns toward me again. “Um, okay. So, speaking of . . . that,” she begins. “Is it time to take the pin out, you think?”
“It’s honestly your call.” I’m trying to keep the ball in her court, but it’s so hard to know when I’m giving her too much space or not enough. “For me, it’ll hold. I mean, if you want to wait or need more time, we can talk about it when we’re not totally exhausted.”
“Right.” She sighs and then immediately yawns. “It has been a big day.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “I guess we should probably go in, huh? I’m sure you have a lot of unpacking and stuff.”
