Page 100 of Darkness I Become
She was choking on the truth of what she’d done, asphyxiating on the sour air of brutal, indifferent consequence. The bullet in her body had been the punishment, the retribution, she’d been seeking for herself. And now, Cade was trying to deny her what justice demanded.
“I don’t deserve to live,” Asha whispered. “Not after what I’ve done.”
Cade bristled automatically. “Stop. I don’t give a fuck what you’ve done. It’smyfault. If I hadn’t fucked up, you wouldn’t have had to survive like this, on your own. We’d have been together, like we always should’ve been.”
Cautiously, as though approaching a wounded animal, he leaned over the bed and brushed a kiss against her clammy forehead.
“Blame me, darling,” he murmured in a low, intimate tone, stroking strands of dark, sweaty hair away from her face. “I’ve got so many sins of my own, I won’t even notice taking on yours as well.”
He kissed her then, and the hollow ache in Asha’s chest that’d been there since she’d left him only intensified. His lips were familiar in their demand for her surrender, and she was so, so tired of fighting. She gave in to her weakness and kissed him back.
“Enough,” he said when they broke apart. “Let me give you what you deserve, my angel.”
Cade retrieved the syringe of penicillin, and she didn’t even fight him when he carefully shifted her onto her side and lifted her blankets.
“Fuck you,” she gasped out as he stabbed the needle into her left buttock and pressed down the plunger.
He chuckled darkly. “Curse me all you want. The devil knows I’ve done it every night since you left.”
He removed the syringe and climbed onto the rickety bed with her.
As he put his arms around her, Asha muttered, “I’m gross and sweaty.”
“Like I care,” he growled. “Not letting you go again. Now, go to sleep. You need rest.”
She let him cradle her, wrapped in a bundle of blankets, against his chest. His big body bracketed hers, making her feel secure. She rested her head, and though she didn’t deserve his mercy, she thanked whatever silent force had brought him back to her.
For the first time in a long time, she slept soundly.
Asha’s fever broke overnight, though she was still exhausted into the next day. Cade untied her bonds and let her sleep, curled up in her blankets, waking her only to offer water or urge her to eat a few bites of roasted fish. He remained gentle, stroking her hair away from her face or holding her hand on top of the blankets. He didn’t kiss her again, but he sat by her bedside all day, fiddling with animal traps or washing foraged produce. He was always there when she awoke.
Nothing was settled between them. She should have been angrier with him, shouldn’t have let him touch her. But after all she’d beenthrough, all that she’d lost, his touch anchored her to something familiar: a rare time when she’d felt safe. The simple fact was that he was all she had left, and she no longer had the energy to guard her heart against him.
Try as she might, she’d never stopped thinking about him while they were apart. Shutting him out of her mind and fucking someone else hadn’t stopped her from missing him.
As good as Kimmy had been to her, she wasn’t Cade, and she didn’t understand what Asha had needed. She was too good, too sweet, too pure. She lived with a mandate to heal people, to walk a path of light, and she couldn’t understand the dark underworld that Asha now inhabited, and why she couldn’t simply choose to leave it.And,Asha now acknowledged to herself,I blamed Kimmy for it. For not being right for me. I blamed all of them for giving me a life I no longer wanted.
Regret filled her. Kimmy hadn’t deserved what she’d done. Neither had Claire, and she’d never be able to apologize. Even if she could, what good would it do? Some things couldn’t be undone. Being haunted by her guilt, unable to dispatch it, would be her punishment. All things considered, she knew she’d gotten off lightly.
When she woke for the fourth time that day, the light outside was fading, and Cade was nowhere to be seen. However, there was a large metal tub beside her bed that hadn’t been there before.
Asha yawned, too tired to care. Despite sleeping all day, she wasn’t motivated to move from her nest of blankets. She dozed lightly on and off until she was awoken again by heavy footfalls entering the small cabin. Cade reappeared at her bedside, hauling two metal buckets full of water. Dominic followed him, carrying two more.
“Hello, Dom,” Asha said sleepily. “Fancy meeting you here.”
Dom shot her an incredulous look, and Cade suppressed a small smile. Both men set the buckets down beside the tub.
“Thanks,” Cade said to Dom, who merely nodded and left without a word. His usual manner of departure, Asha supposed.
Cade dumped the buckets of water into the metal tub, then approached the bed.
“Come on, darling,” he murmured, sliding his arms underneath her and hoisting her up, out of her pile of blankets. “You’ll feel better after.”
“I could’ve moved by myself,” Asha said acerbically, and he grinned.
“Now you don’t have to.”
He carried her the few steps to the tub and carefully lowered her into the water. The tub was old-fashioned, with a high back that allowed Asha to recline slightly. She couldn’t help but sigh. The water was only lukewarm, but given the warm evening, she didn’t mind. It rose to just under her breasts, ensuring that the fresh stitches between her chest and shoulder remained dry.
