Page 94 of From Ice to Grace
He smiles, and I know he’s trying to send a message of love…but instead it’s kindling anger inside of me. His words remind me of how I didn’t experience the Lord’s provision, but rather His abandonment.
“I don’t know about you, but it fills my heart with a sense of peace I can’t explain.”
My throat feels like it’s closing, my legs growing restless as the pastor surveys everyone sitting in front of him. My knees are bouncing like I’m waiting on the bench for my shift to start.
“Knowing the Lord is with us, no matter what we go through, gives me a sense of belonging,” he continues, while others nod in agreement.
Unable to stay a minute longer, I get up and leave. My throat feels like it’s closing as I burst through the doors into the night air of New York City.
I know the Bible promises peace and provision and love and kindness…But out here it feels like those things are few and far between, beyond the reach of someone like me.
I tilt my head up at the city sky, wondering if He can even see me all the way down here.
“All I came to ask is that You help her,” I manage. “You don’t have to do anything for me. This is for her. Just…” I shake my head at the sky, “help her through this.”
I’m met with silence. Nothing but the hum of traffic. I feel stupid, like someone standing out here talking to himself.
If anything, this is just a confirmation that Avah deserves more than me.
Then why does the thought of her being with anyone else feels like taking a skate blade across the skin?
20
AVAH
Opening the door, I allow Hannah to come inside. We’ve only been living here for a week and already this place feels like ours. Declan’s running shoes are still on the floor by the door, my laptop’s open on the coffee table, and the blender is out where I made him his protein shake before he went to Tarrytown for a work-out with Lindgren and EJ.
“This is a great place you have,” Hannah says as she slowly takes in everything around her. “How did you get everything moved so fast?”
I lead her into the living room, gently tugging on a throw pillow that was perfect to begin with. I haven’t seen her since after the wedding, and that may or may not have been on purpose.
“Well turns out Declan’s brother might just be the best agent in the entire industry. He made this all happen in a day. He insisted we get a fully furnished place, so the rest of my stuff will be delivered some time during the week, as well as Declan’s. We’re not fully in yet.”
Hannah nods, not taking her eyes off me for a second. I know she knows something is going on, she’s got a knack for reading people. But she didn’t say anything specific at the reception dinner, anything that leads me to believe that she knows this marriage is nothing but an arrangement.
“So how are things going with the two of you?” she asks, taking a seat on the couch, her eyes not leaving me for a second.
It’s been almost an entire week since we got married, and it’s been…interesting to say the very least. We are comfortable around each other in a way that shouldn’t make sense. We’ve fallen into a bit of a routine already. Since I no longer have a job to go to, and Declan is still suspended, we’ve been spending a lot of time together. Not just because of the dates and appearances Brady lined up for us, but the quiet moments at home. He lingers in the kitchen while I make dinner. When he watches game tapes, he invites me to sit with him. He actually listens to my opinion on the game, which I really appreciate.
“Things are good,” I answer carefully.
Hannah’s lips curve like she can hear everything I’m not saying.
“I guess it’s a stupid question, since you two are all over social media. The Rangers’ newest couple…people are loving the romance vibe for the team.”
I shrug, not sure of how to answer her. While we were out and in the public eye, we did what we had to do. We held hands and smiled…Declan held me and hugged me. We haven’t shared another kiss, and I’ve realized that my ‘no intimacy’ rule was kind of misguided. I may have meant it as no physical intimacy because everything this week was intimate. Being in each other’s space, sharing our needs honestly with one another…how can that not be intimate?
But as far as Hannah’s concerned, I’ve made it abundantly clear that I have absolutely no interest in Declan whenever she asked me before.
And then I marry him, without telling her about it.
I can almost taste the hypocrisy.
“Avah..?” she asks when I don’t immediately answer, her tone light at first. “I know we haven’t known each other for a very long time, but you can’t fool me you know.” She smirks, then tilts her head. “Perhaps this isn’t exactly what you had in mind, but I believe this is exactly where you’re supposed to be.” She shrugs, a teasing tone filling her voice. “Besides you’ve had your eye on that defenseman from the moment I met you…”
“That’s not true?—”
“You can’t stand there with a diamond ring on your finger and tell me otherwise,” she challenges, knowing she’s got me in a headlock.
