Page 59 of Casper
Clenching my teeth against the pain, I rolled off the bed. Digging around in my desk, I found a scrap of paper and a pen. I needed to leave a note for Luna. To make her understand. This wasn’t about her. This was about everything I would never be. I needed to set her free. To set us both free in the only way I knew how.
Please don’t hate me for doing what I had to do. This has been a long time coming. I wanted so badly to have a life worth living with you, Luna. I know now that it’s better this way. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from him. I’m sorry I let you down. I will love you into the next life, wherever it takes me.
Short and to the point. I didn’t have anything else to say. I considered writing something to my friends as well, butthe words wouldn’t come. I hoped they didn’t hate me. Yet I accepted whatever consequences my choice incurred.
I sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the pill bottle. Knowing if I didn’t make it quick, I might change my mind. Too many times I’d stared at myself in the mirror while holding a gun to my own head, never able to pull the trigger. I was pulling it now.
Popping open the pill bottle, I poured a mouthful of pills down my throat, chasing them with a glass of water. Since the instructions clearly stated only one pill every four hours, I figured that many should do the job.
Then I laid down on the bed and waited.
Gradually, my vision swam. My head feeling light and a little dizzy. The room began to spin around me. Eyelids heavy, I blinked them several times before they would no longer open. I felt myself slip into a dark space. Peaceful and free of pain.
Vaguely, I heard Dominik shout my name. He sounded far away. Like he would never reach me in time. Like the others, he would have to let me go.
For just a moment before everything went black, I felt a brief sense of regret. How could I leave Luna this way? How could I add to her suffering?
It was too late now. I’d made my choice. I was leaving this world behind. I only hoped that she forgave me.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
LUNA
Spending time at my mom’s over the last week had been good for both of us. I hadn’t seen her all that much since I started staying at the dorm. She’d been going over and above to make me feel better. Making my favorite food, putting on my favorite movies, and offering to take me out for a girls’ day of shopping.
I understood that she was floundering. She didn’t know how to help. There was nothing she could do to make things better other than be there for me. That’s all I wanted. Although I appreciated her efforts.
We sat on the couch together, eating popcorn and watching a series of romantic comedies from the 90s. I kept checking my phone, waiting for a text from Casper. He was going home today. I’d wanted to be there for him. However, he’d insisted that I stay and have quality time with my mom. Still, I’d expected him to have messaged by now.
When the evening began to grow later, I picked up the phone to message him. The device rang in my hands. Codie’s name came up on the screen.
“Something happened, Luna,” she said when I answered. Her voice kept breaking, like she was trying not to cry. “It’s Casper. He swallowed a bottle of painkillers. It looks like he wastrying to kill himself. The ambulance just took him back to the hospital.”
My lungs stopped working. My voice failed me. All I could do was sit there trying to scream. Trying to breathe. Replaying her words in my head.
Immediately my mind flashed back to the noose I’d found in his bedroom. I should’ve known this was a possibility. I should’ve realized that Casper wasn’t okay. He’d been so shut down since everything happened.
“Can you come pick me up?” I finally managed to say. “I don’t trust myself to drive right now.”
“Of course.” Codie choked back a sob. “I’m on my way.”
Mom had paused the movie. She placed a hand on my arm, her expression filled with concern. Other than her wavy brown hair, we looked so much alike. “What’s going on, Luna?”
“Casper is going back to the hospital. I have to go.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the rest. That he’d done something to hurt himself. How could this be real?
“Do you need me to drive you?” She started to get up.
“Codie is coming to get me. It’s fine. I’ll update you after I get there.” I threw my arms around her in a hug, my eyes burning with tears. This had already been the week from hell. I never imagined it would get so much worse.
Since it was chilly outside, I slipped into a hoodie I’d borrowed from Casper. It still smelled like him. That alone was enough to make the tears spill down my cheeks. I was so fucking sick of crying.
Codie showed up alone, which I was thankful for. I slid into her SUV, robotically buckling my seatbelt. My head fell back against the seat, my entire body trembling.
“How bad is it?” I turned my head to face Codie, needing to see the truth in her eyes.
“We don’t know yet. He was still breathing when the paramedics came, but he was unresponsive. We’re not sure how long he was like that before Dom found him.” She dragged me into a hug, holding me tight enough to make me squeal. “I’m so sorry, Luna. I can’t imagine why he would do something like this.”
I went back to our conversation in the hospital. “He thinks he let me down. That he failed me. He blames himself for what happened with Jace.”
