Page 58 of Petals of Blue: Part Two
She frowns but points at the door in front of the entryway. There's no mess, but I figure if I tell her I would like to clean her apartment to help out, she won't let me. Plus, Blue needed a change of topic, and I gave it to her.
"Soup?" She sounds confused and adorable.
Roman nods and stands. "I'll make you a bowl," he murmurs and kisses the top of her head as he passes by.
Our morning derailed pretty fast, then reached a whole new level. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm ready for anything.
Forty-One
BLUE
Groaning, I slam my hands down on the bed beside me. Now that it's been a few days since coming home, some of my prior anger and normal feelings have come back.
No longer does my mind feel fuzzy and confused. I'm well aware of what the guys are doing now. I appreciate their consistency and kindness, but the forehead kisses and lingering touches make me narrow my eyes.
I haven't told them no. All I've said is I don't know which could go either way and gives me a buffer to figure my shit out. Which might be fucking easier if my mind wasn't plagued with nightmares every time I need to reset and rest.
"Mama?" Violet calls out, opening my bedroom door and letting the hallway light in. "You alright?"
I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling so damn guilty for waking her again. Multiple times a night I wake up screaming, and my kid rushes in to check on me. It's supposed to be the other way around.
"I'm sorry, V," I apologize, trying hard to hold the quiver in my voice at bay. She's struggling with her own emotions and mental health, and my waking her up screaming all the timehas to be horrible for her.
The bed dips, and her vanilla scent soothes me. I open my eyes and turn on my side to look at her. She's in a similar position with her hands tucked under her cheek and her knees curled up close to mine.
"Maybe you should talk to someone..." she suggests softly.
Blowing out a breath, I say, "You might be right." Talking is coming easier, but screaming always makes my throat raw and painful again. Reaching back, I grab my water bottle and snuggle it while I take a sip, lying down.
V chews on the inside of her cheek and breaks eye contact. I know she has more to say, and it seems to be making her nervous. Giving her time to spit it out makes me anxious because of the pretty big thing she kept from me this year that led to some serious trauma, but I stay quiet anyway.
"Why won't you let them sleep over?"
Her question confuses me. "Why would they sleep over?"
"To help you. I bet it would help you sleep if one of them held you," Violet says, but it comes out sounding like a question.
Her idea has merit, considering the fact that all the voices in my head have quieted whenever they hug me or cuddle me on the couch. Only Roman, Declan, Jared, and Felix have managed that, actually. Levi andKevin don't silence the turmoil, nor do my girl friends.
Violet helps, but my newfound awareness of myself tells me it's because I hit mute on my own issues and just focus on hers. Unfortunately, muting them doesn't do shit because they're still there, dragging me down, holding me underwater so I can't fucking breathe normally.
"Having them sleep over isn't a good idea," I reply, and take a sip of water to soothe my throat. "We're doing well with what we have going now."
That's the truth too. I'm enjoying their attention and help. We've grown closer, but there are still a lot of bad past hurts between us. I just don't know how to sift through them.
"Promise you'll call Levi tomorrow and ask about therapy? Clara is pretty good at listening too. She has a master's degree in counseling. Did you know that?"
"I did not." I smile, enjoying hearing my kid ramble like she used to.
Violet nods. "Yeah, she finished it, but decided not to pursue therapy. She's done other mental health roles over the years and even volunteers as support for schools."
"So she never really retired, huh?" Sounds about right. Clara was always such a giver and cared so much about other people when I hung out at her house in high school. "Maybe I'll reach out to her," I add, thinking it might be a good idea to have a motherly figure in my life.
"Really?" Violet smiles brightly, making my soulpulse and take notice. "Okay, good. She's really wonderful, Ma."
"What do you think about Derrick?" When she told me she had spent a few nights with them, I was so glad. Jared's parents have always been so sweet and protective. I'm thankful to whoever suggested it.
As Violet chatters away about how funny Jared's dad is, I zone out a little. There's a lot on my mind that needs to come out.
